A
female
age
41-50,
*rancine81
writes:So, i wrote last week (you can look into what ive posted by going into my profile)...summary:Ive been dating a guy for 2 years we were going to get married and we wanted to have a baby..i had moved to be with my parents while he was finishing up his probation..i was pregnant with his baby up until 20wks. for the 20wks i was pregnant he was unsupportive..insensitive..to a point where i began to hate him and hate being pregnant..so i terminated the pregnancy. when i terminated the pregnancy i was so sure it was the right thing to do..he would lie, he was too much of a tough guy sometimes to show he cared, i was going through the pregnancy alone and he never once asked how i was doing...but now, i have my doubts about the termination but that is another story....so him and i have said some awful hurtful things to one another..we both confessed that we still loved one another but that we had to be mean and hurtful to hide our true feelings (im not sure i understand this besides that there is a thin line between love and hate)..im depressed everyday..i dont know why i still love him..i still have the pregnancy hormones i mean this happened only 2wks ago. ANYWAY, so after our last discussion which wasnt very nice..i never expected to hear from him again. he hated me or at least wanted to and ive just been hurt enough to try and talk to him..what was there to talk about? it didnt work before , i terminated the pregnancy there is no getting the baby back..why would it work ever?i think about him everyday but, of course i am trying to get over him and move on. today he texts me. he had watched a video with me in it and said that it was nice to see me again even if it was on tv and that he missed me and seeing me made him sad. he said loved me from the moment he laid eyes on me but he didnt expect things to be so difficult between us. we are both pretty complicated. he is a lot meaner and stronger or tougher than i am but then again he is also a guy.im happy he texted me but why did he text me? why did talking to him make me cry? because i didnt think he had any love for me left? how come he can love me and miss me one minute but hate me and have no respect for the next? all i wanted was for him to be there for me. yes, i was in a different state but, there are ways to show someone. he didnt show up for christmas or new years..and my family and i were waiting for him..i was pregnant for gods sake. how does that show me that he loves me and will be there for me and the baby? he would always say ill be there for the baby..but what about the woman carrying your child?! he had 20 wks to show me he could be that man but, he didnt want to grow up! hes a hard headed, stubborn man..full of pride..but tonight he pushed his pride aside even for a moment..to tell me he missed me..did he just want reassurance that i still cared too? because i told him i love him still..that he will always have a place in my heart but to not use that against me.so given this..is it just his way of showing he loves me? is he afraid to love? should i just let him go and let him figure out love on his own? why did i cry? what should about him and this situation? just let it ride out until we both no longer think of one another?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Going by what you said I don't think this guy is so bad. Certainly not as bad the females are making him out to be. Guys think alot differently than girls. They are more objective while girls are subjective. For some guys it's just hard for them to grasp that it's about "how she feels." It sounds like this guy was just too scared about having a family. But since he agreed to having a baby with you he felt he couldn't go back on it. In other words he was scared to tell you he changed his mind after you got pregnant. This is probably why he became so insensitive & withdrawn. Yes he was insensitive but it sounds like he really does love you. Just talk to him about if he's ready for a family with you.
On a side note my girlfriend is 8 months pregnant & take it from me you are gonna hate him no matter what at some point or another. There will always be a time where you feel alone. So sometimes you just gotta get through those feelings. Although in this case it sounds as though abortion was the right call.
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (4 March 2008):
Do you feel loved? Does he care about you like his own flesh? Does he do little things for you to let you know he cares? Does he make you smile? Or do you find yourself more confused, uncertain and unhappy? This is the best indicator. Why he rang you was because he is in the buyback phase and he feels ENTITLED to treat you as a non entity because he is abusive and controlling. He is controlling you through your emotions. He did not support you through your pregnancy nor did he support you in your decision to terminate. He sounds like someone who is very selfish and wanting your complete attention only to treat you like dirt if you demand or ask for some type of reciprocation. Abuser. On probation is he. What for? I would leave the bad boys alone and find a real man. One who treats you with love and respect and values your opinions even if they differ from his. A man will treat you like an equal. An abuser will treat you like an object. A non human nothing. He is an abuser and you my darling deserve better. You are beautiful and you are grieving for the loss of your child and the loss of the relationship and your hopes and dreams so this is why you cried when he rang. It confuses you when he rings after being so distant. Think about it does an abuser want you to think clearly or do they want you to be confused? Makes it easier to control you. Move on and lean on your supportive parents and thank your lucky stars you did not have a baby with him. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I was in your shoes, the guy I ended up pregnant by lived in another state. I visited him. I never knew why he never visited me. We meet threw this guy whom was incarsarated. But we talked, meet, and I ended up you know, I told him I was pregnant all of sudden his ways changed, he changed, He wanted me to get an abortion, I told him no,I stayed depressed, sad and hurt at the same time every day.I ended up having a miscarriage. I let him know he was happy. He was another race, he was so afraid of what his parents would say that he didn't realize that, that innoscent baby was his to. I sat and prayed for hours, The good lord told me not to worry that he would send someone to me, Someone who he knew would stay with me and be there when I needed him. I have 2 beautiful boys by another guy, who proposed to me, relationship going good for 3 years, we don't fight or argue if we do it's real funny.About the part of the termination, don't worry, or think of it,Just pray. he's the only one who can answer that. As for that guy let him go.If he didn't want to be with you during your pregnancy, he sure don't want to be there now. You'll find happiness soon. Don't rush.I don't talk to the guy who left me. Remember what goes around comes around. Pray thats all. You take care of yourself and be strong. GOD BLESS.
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