A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 28-year-old woman, my husband's 32, and we have two children, a four-year-old son and a two-year-old toddler.A few weeks ago my husband began receiving suggestive text messages from someone claiming they were having an affair with him.I asked him outright if there was anything going on, but he denied it.However he kept getting these sexually suggestive texts and had recently began buying new shirts and t-shirts, having his chest waxed, and even going to the tanning salons and becoming obsessed with going the gym. He even had his teeth whitened.I asked him why he was having all this treatment, and he said it was to look good for me.However, we haven't had sex very much at all, he refuses it most times I initiate it, when we do have sex he wants to stop after 15 minutes.He's also been coming home late from work as well too, he claimed he had a lot of work to do but we don't seem to have much extra money coming in.I spoke to my best friend who suggested that I should hire a private investigator to find out if he is having an affair, which I did.The private investigator carried out his investigation over the next few weeks, and when I got the results last Friday, I was shocked.The private investigator told me he'd seen my husband driving to the gay area of town, with another guy a lot older than him, and had heard their conversations too - he showed me the footage and photos he'd got of them. I was disgusted by what I saw - pictures of my husband and this man kissing in a car park, and footage of them getting into gay clubs, and even bar-hopping around Canal Street (people in the UK will know where I mean).The private investigator told me he'd heard my husband saying to the guy "Let's leave our wives and get together, our wives are boring pieces of sh*te! Well, we've been doing this for a year and a half now, and no-one's noticed, heh heh!" and the other man saying "Well, that's OK, because I'm dumping the wife for you anyway, and I've bought us a nice new riverside flat! Let's dump our loser wives and get together!!" and then the conversation got more explicit, apparently with references to them having had sex together frequently.I was stunned to see who the other man was, and asked if I recognized him - which I did - the other man in the photo was my dad. I feel disgusted knowing about my dad's secret life.I thank the private eye for bringing it to my attention. At least now I know why my husband was so obsessed with his looks.I feel disgusted and sick to the stomach. The two men closest to me in my life having an affair with each other - it makes me want to throw up and when I think about it, I just feel angry, upset and disgusted.My husband's now away on a training course with work for 2 weeks, how should I deal with this when he returns?? I also haven't seen my dad for a few weeks either as well.How do I tell my mum about it?? This whole situation's making me feel upset and worried. I can't cope, and I feel stressed.I don't want our Christmas to be ruined for me or my kids.what do I do?? where do I go next??please help me, Tania in Manchester
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): I am so sorry for your situation, it is devastating to find out that the man of our dreams is out and about having an affair,I found out 1 year today and am very devastated still and your situation the two men in your life you look up to...your mom should find out you have each other to support I wish you the best GOD BLESS!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): I am so sorry for you I know you don't want sympathy but this is a massive massive blow to you. So incredibly hurtful. The first thing is your survival and please put feelings of 'ruining' Xmas to one side. You cannot possibly get through it with this knowledge. Step 1 get out the house and make all your plans right now so you are not there when he returns and neither are all the things you want with you. Get them put into storage if you have nowhere to go yet. You need to tell 3 people about this. Your Mum and your best friend. The third person is a solicitor. Confront your husband, with your Mother, in an empty house on his return and tell him you have all the evidence and show him it. If he denies it then he is a fool. Please use this website for support but also contact an independent support group when you feel ready. This is a much bigger issue than just cheating because your husband has potentially wrecked a family apart. There will be better Christmas days in the future. I wish you strength to get through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This is so awful for you. It's hard to comprehend that these two men can do this to you and if what the investigator heard them say is true they can only be narcissistic creeps with no empathy or conscience.
The timing is terrible. I know you don't want to upset everyone at Christmas but can you endure hiding this ugly truth through the holidays?
You must feel terrible and I sympathize but it seems to me the truth is your only option (whether before or after Christmas it must come out). Your mother must be told (it seems likely that this is not either man's first homosexual affair and both you and your mother are at risk of STDs).
Personally I can't see that either marriage is salvageable. These men are obviously confirmed homosexuals and have been living the straight lie for years. Get it out in the open and start a new life.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 Oh Hun,
I am sorry. I am so sad for you, that is a heartbreaker. I'm with starfairy, as hard as it might be, your Mom deserves to know. I would break the news to her privately with the photos. Don't tell him or your Dad yet. They already think that you and your Mom are unaware of their activities. You and your Mother have a lot on the line, and it would be wise to hang on and wait to expose them both. You need to take care of you, your children and your Mom financially. It will be easier to hunt for the documents for the riverside flat if they still think you don't know. I would not reveal your hand until you do some homework.
Lawyer up. Get the most expensive Lawyer you can afford. I'm not sure, but your Mom probably needs her own Lawyer.
Get out ALL of your financial documents and get your Mom to do the same. Get ahold of the documents for the riverside flat too. It was earned during both of you marriages and it is a joint asset.
Now you are ready to break the news. I would plan a seven way meeting. You, your Mom, the Investigator, both you and your Moms lawyers, a person filming the meeting and FINALLY, your Husband and Dad.
Oh, and Have a couple of their bags packed.
Good Luck and I am sorry for all of your troubles.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (18 December 2007):
 Christ what a predicament!!
Firstly I would tell your Mom. She deserves to know.
Secondly, I would pack up your husbands belongings so he can leave immediately upon his return.
You might be thinking about the children's Christmas, but was your husband and your Dad thinking about the effect it would have on everyone when they left you, as they were planning on doing? No.
Neither did he have the respect for you when he was sleeping with you and yout Dad at the same time.
With the evidence you have from the private investigator, yhou can file for an immediate divorce under grounds of adultery.
Good luck, message me if you need to talk x
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