A
female
age
36-40,
*pple-s
writes:Hi All, I have a problem. I'm 27 born in the uk my ethnicity is caribbean. My nigerian boyfriend of 2yrs have been pretending to be in a relationship with me the whole we were together. He has dumped me before in 2013 saying he cant give me the relationship i want i felt so rejected and hurt. 5 months later he showed up at my house around 4 in the morning i was so shocked to see him because i have moved on and forgotten about him totally. He wanted to stay the night but i told me no then he left. Fast foward to 2014 i contacted him. A week later we ended up seeing each other again and my feeling for him began to grow again. During that year (2014) he's been sweet and mean blowing hot and cold continuiously. he forever giving me mix signals. i have ask him were i stand when he behave this way. In 2015 last month Out of the blue he would tell me he has met someone else. Yet in that same conversation i would repeat what he said, then he would say i never said that. You hearing things. And he would call me names and then say he doesnt remember saying it. Then he would smirk at me when im getting angry or crying. He told me 2 weeks ago that i dont have nothing for him to cherish, you dont own your house, you have loads of money. Im studying to be a midwife but he thinks its rubbish. He once asked me to marry one of his friends for 10 thousand pounds i was so annoyed at him to be asking me to do such thing. I then thought to myself that this guy doesnt love, nor like me, at all even tho i loved him. i said to him how can u ask me to do such thing he said love has nothing to do with it and i need money. I told him no im not doing it. This guy has been lying to me about everything. He lied that he didnt have a child for over a year when one of his friends told me my boyfriend has a son of nine yrs. Later my boyfriend admitted to it. He walked out on his son when his child was 2yrs old. I also have a child but not by him. When we argue he ignores my todder completely..and this makes me so upset because has nothing to do with it. My boyfriend lies about me to his friends and my friends he never apologise for the pain poor treatment. When he become homeless i allowed him to stay with me, within living with me the emotional abuse got worst he was disrespecting me most of the time swearing at me etc. He never appreciate nothing I did for him. Im a pretty woman. He allowed his boss who is also a nigerian man to insult me in public and my boyfriend done or said nothing. This was a wake up call for me. I then realise my boyfriend never loved me. My boyfiend put me down so much crushing my self esteem i feel worthless and unloveable. Now he has moved out without giving me closure ive tried calling him but he has changed his number. How do i move on from being used. Im so heartbroken and depressed.
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crush, depressed, emotionally abusive, heartbroken, money, move on, moved out, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Henry1980 +, writes (9 June 2015):
I agree with the other posters. Don't feel angry with yourself- this is an experience you've had and its his fault that he is an idiot (incidentally you should feel very proud of being a midwife, its a brilliant and really important occupation). You need to focus though on how you let yourself be manipulated by him. I think you should think about building your own self esteem up- that's the best protection to say that you are not worth being treated badly. Firstly concentrate on all the things you've done and achieved: so think about your training and your son. Remember that you have friends who care about you for who you are. Secondly remember that the person who really are is obviously kind and caring- hence you stayed around this guy too long. In most situations those things are real strengths and good things. I think the key thing here is to look on this break up as him being the loser- its unlikely he will meet an independent, intelligent woman like you again in his life- and he threw that away. You on the other hand can see yourself as someone who has achieved a lot and for whom this is hopefully just an episode on a journey- that in fifty years time, you'll be advising some twenty year old girl to avoid herself!
A
female
reader, apple-s +, writes (8 June 2015):
apple-s is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for replying, i will surely take these advice. Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 June 2015):
 You don't NEED any "closure" - all you NEED is to accept that NO matter HOW much you think you love him, you can't CHANGE who he is. And... HE is an asshat.
BE glad he moved out. Make sure you change your lock, block and delete him from your life.
Teach your boy HOW to be a man without treat women like crap!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): What do you need closure for? He walked out on you and treated you like sh*t! You knew from the very start he was a jerk; and didn't give a damn about you. You went on a mission to seek his validation and approval; because you couldn't deal with his rejection from the first breakup.
He crushed your ego, and made you feel worthless and undesirable. If you give men all that power over you; you shouldn't be in relationships. You need too much work. So get to work creating yourself, discovering your potential, and pursuing your dreams. Men aren't going anywhere.
You let him in and out of your life for the sake of the drama. You thrive on self-pity and living in a soap opera. Time to grow-up.
If you didn't like it, you wouldn't invite it back into your life again and again. You love him? You don't love him, you love what he used to be; and your mind is stuck in the times when he was sweet. He really wasn't sweet at all, you were just infatuated with having a boyfriend; and happy not to be alone after being abandoned by the father of your child. Don't feel bad about that. That's how we all behave after a relationship fails. We seek a place to rest with someone else. I did it too. So I'm not pointing any fingers. Just helping you to acknowledge the truth.
He can't take away your self-esteem. It's built from the inside, and it can be rebuilt. The only power he has over you is what you give him. You want a man to lean on, and you won't use your own strength. When you go looking for a man to take care of you, he will treat you like dirt. He knows you don't have confidence in yourself, and you're dependent on him. He will say rotten filthy things to you; because that's what he is. The minute a guy treats you like that; you throw him out, never to be bothered again. You don't subject your child to that kind of environment.
If he comes back, you don't invite the devil back in to give you hell. You have a brain to think. Use it.
You trashed your own heart and feelings going after an assh*le. So now you shake it off. Rebuild yourself from the ground up, and from the inside out. He taught you to be tough; because now you know exactly what type of man you should avoid. You should have learned from the your child's father. You didn't. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you're doomed to repeat them.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. He has treated you the worst you could ever be treated. So now be good to yourself. Avoid men while you are under repair. You will not be ready for a man for at least a year of self-renovation. A drink or a dinner for companionship, but nothing serious or committed. You're not strong enough for that yet. You've been beaten-down and damaged. You need time to heal first. My heart goes out to you.
When you feel ready, date only men with integrity, kindness, and respectful of you. Dump him at the first sign of abuse.
Don't let that assh*le back into your life., you have a child you should put before yourself. Learn to be your own best friend; and stop searching for a penis and man to prop you up. Sometimes a woman has to rely on her own strength, and build-up her own muscles. She needs tools to survive. Once she does that, no man can come along and take anything from her.
He can talk a lot of trash, but he's a bum who had to rely on a woman to take care of him. You lowered yourself to that level; so don't blame him for killing your self-esteem.
Focus on you and your child. That's who needs and loves you unconditionally. You will regrow your strength and self-esteem from that. You are blessed, but you put everything on a man; and didn't save anything for you and your kid. Love yourself. That's how we all survive the cruelties and unfairness of the world.
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