A
female
age
,
*HMERN
writes:I'm a divorced 48 yr old in a four year relationship. My boyfriend is 50 and he is depressed constantly and won't tell the Dr or get on medication for it. He seems so up and down, you never know how he'll be. He never remembers my birthday (not in 4 yrs), he has sent flowers only once in all this time..not very romantic really. He can be wonderful at times, but seems like as time goes by he is less and less wonderful. I feel like all I do is take care of what he needs and he neglects what I need. Even the sex life is starting to slide and it seems like he doesn't care. Maybe it's depression, but what do I do if he won't talk to anyone about it? He is thinking of moving in with me and now I'm really afraid that I don't want him to, but honestly I don't want to be alone either. I think I might want to end it but I have no idea how or how to pick up all alone.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 I agree with Emily in a way but shes being a little harsh. Brow-beating him probably wont work,it will make him retreat further, it never does on me when i'm a bit blue; what I am looking for is positive encouragement so a bit of carrot and stick is needed. You need to explain how this is making you feel but in the right way, if he's depressed he will have low self-esteem so making him feel like a bad person is the worst thing you can do.
If you want to go down Emily's route you need to use phrases like we will deal with this together followed by a squeeze of the hand etc etc would be better but that all depends on the answers to the questions anon posed.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 September 2008):
Anon makes some very good points. One of the side effects of especially severe depression is a seeming self-absorbtion. It's not a not caring its more a withdrawal and cocoon like defensive mechanism the mind employs to protect itself. He is seeming less and less wonderful because you are feeling more and more drained yourself. He is right about the questions you need to ask yourself particularly on the do you love him/are you prepared to take the rough with the smooth bit.
You can't think of it in terms of 'well, i really dont want to be alone' because that is not a good grounding for a successful relationship. You need to postively want to be with him too or else you will end up getting ground down and it just wont work. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 September 2008):
Well if he wants to move in then you can fix this but you have to be tough.
At the moment you are slowly sliding towards being his mental health nurse and not his girlfriend.
Tell him that you love him and want him to move in but ONLY after he gets his depression sorted. Tell him he HAS to go to the doctors or you will end up looking after him and hating him and throwing him out.
Does he know how much pain and resentment he is causing? I think you have to tell him how bad it is as if you are hiding it then he will think you are fine and will continue to fib you off.
You have power over him and you need to use it.
If he still won't get help then eventually you are going to have to move on.
It is not as scary to be single as you think.
You deserve more than this.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Hi There, Please dont feel alone - its very hard for you if your partner is suffering depression. It does make people shut down emotionaly and seem as if they dont care. Living with someone who is depressed can be even harder as you dont get a break - even people who have been together for years find it a struggle when one partner suffers depression - so for a new relationship like yours, it will put added pressure ontop of you. You have to think about what you really want, do you love him 100% regardless of this condition, and prepared to take the good with the bad - knowing that it will be very hard - If so then go for it - with that in mind - but be sure to find time for yourself, as living with a depressed person can sometimes make you depressed yourself - Talk to him and explain the way you feel, when he doesnt show his emotions, and does not act loving towards you - eg: flowers etc - as this is a way of showing someone you care from time to time. DO NOT at any point make him feel useless, be careful with your wording so not to upset him more - advise him you are his rock and try to speak and listen to him, and his feelings - this will improve over time when he learns to trust you. If all of the above sounds just too much - do not feel bad - just move on - Im sure you have alot to offer and will not stay single forever - its a scary world but why commit to something that barely makes you happy rather than be brave and seek that happiness - it may be around the corner - you just dont know Good Luck, I wish you all the best xx
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