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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband stays up every night after I'm in bed looking at internet porn. I know why. I'm 46, size 14, with a body that looks like it's borne and breastfed 4 children. We are mismatched in our sex interests. He thinks I am old and boring because I want to make love in the comfort and privacy of our bed. He wants to do it in a doorway in the street or with me stretched over the bonnet of the car etc etc. When we go out he likes me to dress in short skirt, stockings and no knickers etc and then wants to lift my skirt in public etc. He likes to take photos of me but I hate posing especially in public. I try to please him as much as I can because he either sulks or gets verbally abusive if he gets his own way. The trouble is the more porn he looks at the more outrageous things he wants me to do and he feels put out that I don't behave like the women he sees on the web. I know I have to put up with him looking at porn if I won't be the real thing for him but I find it so difficult. Also how can I be sure he's not looking at stuff that's not legal and has not posted my pics on the web? This has all got worse gradually over the 20 years we've been married. I wonder about where it will end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): I am having a similar problem. My husband wants me to go out in short skirts with nothing underneath and show strangers. I'm not comfortable with this and I think it is morally wrong. It shows no respect. I have always gotten out of it. But he feels so strongly that he is ready to end the marriage over it. I am at the point I don't care if he does. I was raised Baptist. Met him when I was 17 he made promises and left me with a child to raise on my own. Then reappears 25 yrs later on his knees begging for forgiveness wanting to get married. I was forgiving but this isn't quite the life I had in mind. He was full of promises again. Yet after what he put us through I don't think it's right to expect me to do these things I am not comfortable with. I tell him he took my youth, he took my life and now he wants to take my soul. I can't do it. And besides I am in my 50's and not 17 anymore. It's crazy.
A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 This is an abusive relationship if he is putting you under pressure to do something you are not happy and comfortable with - and staying up all night gawping at airbrushed, unnaturally enhanced women performing unnatural sex acts is NOT normal behaviour in a healthy sexual relationship.
Neither is he being a proper husband to you if he is getting aggressive and making you feel bad about yourself. He has a duty to make YOU happy too!
Prove that you are not a prude by thinking up a few sexual tricks to surprise HIM - make him think!! And make him see that you are not just a toy for him to play with - you BOTH need to be enjoying life in the REAL world, so high time for him to get some therapy if you want to make it work. But only if you are happy to stay in this relationship..
Requesting is one thing - making you feel inadequate and forcing you to do things which make you feel unhappy is another - do you really want this??
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A
female
reader, andrea23 +, writes (7 October 2006):
 if ur not comfortable with doing the things ur husband demands of you then dont do it, dont let him dictate to you & if he starts sulking & gets verbally abusive just tell him if he doesnt like it then he knows where the door is & at the end of the day it'll be his loss because a porn actress on a screen isn't gonna look after him the way you do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006):
Ok, how was your relationship outside the sex? It sounds like tats where the real breakdown is.
And anyway 46 and a size 14 is not disqualifing. You can still be exciting. The term MILF exists for a reason, you know.
Try to come up with risque rules that you both are comfortable with. Maybe you arent flashing in public but it could be a little more out there than lights out in a room filled with hummel figurines.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): basically he will look at porn whether you like it or not he will do it at home when you not in or at work he is curious like years ago and every one wanted to see what the butler saw we are in the 21st century live and let live.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): can't you understand that even tho, as you say have born and bred 4 kids you are a sexy warm lively woman who your man thinks is a sex goddess and obviously loves your body-don't knock it love most women being married 20 years would love that and be thankful, he looks at you that way, and not chasing other women. sex isn't just for the younger generation.
its your choice but do things slowly at your pace you have to be comfy with it, try it, if you don't like it don't do it again, try stockings and no knickers in a long skirt or even trousers and no knickers it will drive him wild cos he will know nobody else will just a drive in the car to start with then a drink in a bar so only you and he knows no one else will you never no you could end up having a wild time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): Hi I have to say Im very shocked at your statement that follows
'I know I have to put up with him looking at porn if I won't be the real thing for him but I find it so difficult.'
Why on earth do you think you have to put up with him using porn...this is absurd.......If women keep thinking like this men will keep using it. It is totally disrespectful to you and all women....
If you must isnsit on contributing to this abusive beghaviour then you need to accept that his urges will continue to grow and become sicker....that is the natuer of this addiction...but personally I think you have three choices...
1)Accept it and watch the situation become worse...
2) Insist he stop immediately and get counselling or else you will leave
3) Leave with no further questions
Obviously the last two are easier said than done but ultimately they are THE ONLY ONES THAT ALLOW YOU TO MAINTAIN OR REGAIN SELF RESPECT...
Leave it in his hands...if he values his marriage he will get help if not....he wasnt worth having in the first place
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): No I'm not OK with him looking at porn, of course I'm not. But it's better than him going out and finding someone who's willing to do all those things that I'm not.
I have to accept it because if I question it he will only get verbally abusive and make it quite clear that it's all my fault for being so boring, dressing like my mother etc etc. I know I've heard it all before. It gets us no where because I'm not prepared to act the way he wants me to. He thinks I'm a prude, I think he's a pervert. But he can shout louder, swear more, sulk more, upset me etc so he wins.
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A
male
reader, sdw00001 +, writes (6 October 2006):
Firstly he has to realise that you are a self minded human being, just because he wants you to dress a certain way or commit a particular sexual act, doesn't mean you have to fulfil it. If that is what he wants from you then obviously he is with the wrong partner. We probably all have something that we wish our partners would do, but if it's not their thing we have to respect that is their wish.
Only do the things that you are comfortable with.
Are you ok with him looking at porn?
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