A
female
age
41-50,
*s.stressed
writes:Hi, please look at this I haven't told anyone. Basically I need to go back several years when I was with a guy,lets call him H,for half a year.I broke it off because I still had feelings for my ex,and even though I did like H I didn't think it was fair to put him through my crap.I felt so guilty and bad for doing it, but eventually we became good friends instead. I never did get back with my ex, but found someone new,only a matter of months after I'd split up with H. Which at first was awkward but we still remained friends.2 years later I'd split up on mutual terms with the new guy,partly because of distance, and for the past half year I realised what I'd thrown away with H and desperately wanted another chance. I was going through some health probs at the time,which made me more emotional than usual,I decided to bite the bullet and tell him.Well I told him I was thinking more about him (not that I was feeling in love with him,even though I was) and he turned me down. I was gutted to say the least. Then I met the man who is now my fiance. At first I was head over heels in love with him,but 4 years later we seem to be living seperate lives. Sometimes he says he loves me so much then when he's drunk tells me he doesn't.Our intimate life is going down the toilet and to be honest I don't mind one bit. I don't know if I'm in love with him,right now I feel no I'm not. And then there's H,still in my life even though we don't live close, we still talk and message.I feel like maybe I've tried to move on,and for a while I did,but I'll always end up back where I was. I'm not in love with an ideal image in my head, I know the real person and that is who I love and I think I always will for the rest of my life.He's currently single but one day he'll find someone and probably settle down, and that will just finish me off. I can't tell him again,and risk our friendship but neither can I watch him be happy with someone else. Sometimes I think he might like me more than usual, and other times not. Then there's the person who I'm with.We have a mortgage and joint stuff and if I break it off it's going to kill him not to mention the stress of dividing.I only have one life. Do I have to live the rest of it with second best and regrets?
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male
reader, duckforit  +, writes (11 September 2009):
There is a RULE that most wan...chose to ignore: One can NEVER return to an eailier Form of the "game". For a lot of us it is just a "saying". Intellictual. We, men and women, tend to ACT from the way we FEEL instead of what we Think we should do. There in lyes the seed of remorse. We, generally, Know what the approiate response to an emotional situation... BUT, we thend to Reactinstead of Act. Meaning, THINK Before you do anything. She calls you a a PUNK AXXHOLE, threatens to call her Brothers to kick your ass. THINK. is that a button, a way she knows to make you angry? THINK..do you want to Hurt her?, OK, I'll just go stay with Cindy... and Leave.Know this. You can not take the slap back. She can not retract the threat. Something breaks. Trust. You can get around it......... BUT you and your partner have to CARE enough about one another to STOP!!!!!! count to... i dunno a million... but STOP... when the old, hate and new anger, and pain are FRESH. There is only one way out of the Webs we creat.We all have to make that choice, Is it worth the damage,?Talk. Do you want to stay together? Talk about it. Is there committment? VOICE it. FEAR. will kill you. Sorry I could go on and on. I am old. All you can do is stop, Think...Would I want to be treated the way I am TREATING YOU.....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): Are you sure your giving your relationship with you current partner all you can? When you have feeling for someone else you can look for any reason to justy them. Settling for second best is one thing but its another to stay in a relationship just incase the other doesn't work out. My advice is to try and sort out your current relationship. Perhaps councelling might help the two of you figure out if you are just going through the motions and scared to go your seperate ways or if theres any way you can put the spark back into things. Once thats out the road you will know how to deal with the situation with H.
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A
female
reader, ms.stressed +, writes (28 April 2007):
ms.stressed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and many thanks for those who replied I have been thinking very hard about what you wrote. I'm slightly thrown as what my fiance feels as in the past I've caught him being nosy looking at my texts, and so I thought right I'll snoop at yours. (This was about 6 months ago) Didn't expect to see anything, but instead he's been sending very suggestive texts to one girl in particular (who he used to date). One time when he was passed out drunk he texted her to say he was leaving me for her. She texted back saying "really? when?" I put it down to drunkness, and then it seemed to stop altogether. But today I saw another one asking her to come round and well, imagine the rest okay? This text was sent at around 10am, when I was at work and he would have been stone cold sober. Half an hour later and all texts in his outbox were deleted. I don't know what to think. I can't accost him coz he'll prob through this back at me for snooping. Help...
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A
female
reader, Oldersister +, writes (28 April 2007):
 First of all you need to think of you, as callous as that sounds. no one will ever put you first as much as you can.
You need to choose, if you choose to stay with your fiance you need to break contact with H. As hard as it sounds its the only way. I have had people i liked in the past while i'm with another guy, you cannot get over it while they're still in your life. otherwise every time u fight with your fiance you'll be thinking how much better H is.
Grass is greener syndrome is your problem. if H is not interested, let it go. As for your fiance, that is a separate issue and needs to be dealt with separately. You need to take time to assess the relationship. discuss the fact he says he doesnt love you when he's drunk rationally. Splitting a mortgage now is not half as bad as splitting your paycheck for life because you married and it didn't work!
But get rid of H, he may be a friend but there are plenty more out there and hes holding you back
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