A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I'm 26 years old and I've been involved with a controlling man for over 4 years now. However we have only been physically together for 1 month of it.I know it sounds crazy but we met over the internet right after my mother was murdered so I was very broken and he became kind of a counselor for me and helped me through the grieving process.He also helped me break away from my ex - who was good to me but I seemed to like the new one better because he was so Dominant.I was looking for a Dominant man.PLEASE NOTE: I like that he is controlling because I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I have a real hard time with my own identity and he helps me by telling me exactly how he wants me to be.Most people would see this as appaling but its actually a relief for me because of my mental illness.So we had a phone relationship for 3 1/2 years. I am a very beautiful woman so I could never understand what took him so long to see me, but he always had some excuse. He lived in a couple states away. He always swore he was not married and all. He had me quit my job and I depend on him 100% financially.I'd like to note for those of you that have never been involved in a controlling relationship please do not respond because you will not understand any of this.So he finally came to see me 3 times (a week at a time) and always had to go back for something or other...and the last time I saw him he proposed to me and then I found a number in his phone and found out he was cheating on me.So I wonder now how many times he has cheated on me. I even spoke to her for verification and he denied sleeping with her for a long time and then finally admitted it to me.I'm so heartbroken because I love him so much and all of this has happened. I feel like I have wasted so much time and I don't have the money to get an apartment (he has me living in a hotel right now waiting for him). I have two cats so I can't go to a shelter. I don't have a college degree and he had me quit school so I lost my financial aid and probably will never be able to get it again. I feel like I have no future other than him. I have no one that can help me get on my feet. I really love him and want to be with him since I've waited so damn long.He's suppossed to be here next week.I feel like I have two choices here:#1 Continue to wait for him and hopefully be with him and finally be a part of family.#2 Go on my own. I have no money for counseling or my perscriptions - I have no health insurance and a bottle for one month supply is 100 dollars! I've been on zoloft for 10 years and I can't get off of it no matter what or I will end up killing myself (I have borderline personality disorder). So if I go on my own I have a big feeling I will kill myself because I will be broke and alone with no direction in life. Also, I'm very tired and broken down not only from him but from a lot of events that have happened to me like my parents divorce, uncle abusing me as a child, mother's murder, etc. If anyone has any good advice I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
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cheated on me, divorce, heartbroken, money, my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 May 2008):
 I understand your situation. First problem I see, is the controlling personality of who you are with. I understand why you'd choose him, but the goal is to develop your own identity, instead of a scripted identity.
How often do you experience splitting? I know that must be difficult to deal with. Knowing people who have BPD, and seeing them go from loving and caring, to being as if the devil possessed them. That must be difficult and confusing.
You left your schooling and working for this guy. Do you feel that choice was a good one? I see, in the position you're in now, changing sort of screws you.
My advice to you is to apply for Social Security disability. This will provide some finances, and will qualify you for state benefits in paying for all medical bills and medication. BPD has been rules by the Supreme Court as being a disability they cover. Generally it takes two or more mental issues, but BPD is numerous mental issues rolled up under a single name.
Out of those choices, I know both have positive and negative consequences. Being with him, you're seeking someone to self medicate you. To provide you with what you feel is missing. Doing it this way, where do you have a chance to improve your sense of self, and begin developing your identity.
Also, once you get settled with whatever decision you make. Continue conseling, your medicaion, and seek assistance from a (NLP) Neuro Linguistics Programming specialist. Long words, but not painful at all. In my studdies, NLP is one of the only real successful methods in treating BPD. I'd urge you to do so. All though your uncle was a piece of crap, you deserve to have a chance at living a normal healthy life.
If you have any further questions. Please feel free to email me on here. I've studdied trauma and bpd for a number of years.
Take care.
A
male
reader, cp5lb +, writes (3 May 2008):
Treat your mental illness first. There are state programs that will pay for your meds if you are broke. You are using a "controlling" guy as a treatment program.
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