A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have moved across the country, away from all of my family, for my boyfriend. We moved from Florida to Oregon so that he could have steady work to support us and our 3 children. When we arrived here after a week of being on the road with a 5 yr old, a 4 yr old and a 3month old, he wanted me to meet his entire family. We had only been here for less than 24 hrs and already he wanted me to get on the road again. I told him i didnt want to go and i didnt want the kids to go either after being in a car for a week straight. He didnt understand and forced me and my kids into the car. After driving me into the middle of town, he called his sister to come pick him up. They both left me and my kids in a place foreign to me, with a dead cell phone, and no directions or anything to get back to where we were staying. After awhile other family members came to the place where i was abandoned and took me back to where we were staying. After this incident he's continuously embarrassed me and abandoned me. Should i leave him? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Tish is our sensible aunt... consider carefully what she has said.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I understand fully how difficult moving across the country can be and how stressful it is. You were going to a strange new place and he was essentially going back home. Alas, it sounds as though he lacks any empathy for your feelings and worries.
It sounds extremely abusive, the way you were left abandoned and stranded and I would make sure that never happens again. Get a cheap phone with some minutes on it that you can keep for an emergency.
If you haven't sought couples counseling, I would strongly recommend that for you now. The situation sounds extremely emotional and heated and you need an objective, non-involved third party as a mediator. If you feel like it is you against him and his entire family, that puts you in an extremely unbalanced position.
I wonder if he's shown other signs of being abusive in the past?
Right now, I think a separation would give you time to get your head together and shore up your emotional strength and stability. You were definitely mistreated, the 'sin' of not wanting to meet his family did not warrant the type of treatment you received. He owes you a massive apology.
I think you may also want to consider apologizing to his family for their perception that you didn't wish to meet them. Explain that you were so stressed and exhausted that you simply didn't have the emotional resources for such a momentous occasion, that you needed time to compose yourself and rest a bit. It seems to me to be obvious that this was the case but some people may lack the empathy or understanding to be able to comprehend that.
That being said, however, the fact remains he is continuing to be abusive to you. That is unacceptable to me
I have a link for you to read and see what you think. It has a link to strategies for leaving if this is the case.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171 (you will have to copy/paste that link as the ? mark interrupts the hyperlink.
If his treatment has been abusive, you should leave him. A site that offers support, a hotline and referral resources is here: http://www.thehotline.org/
Please take care of yourself and your children; you do not deserve abusive treatment. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
The family sound awful... so it's disrespectful for you to want to put your kids down to rest.. What about the 3month old... Don't children need sleep..
Damn.. now I'm getting angry and I can't swear here. Aren't there any children in his family. Pity you got good kids, tired children usually misbehave when they are tired. Wish your kids ripped up the place.
I'm hesitant to say go.. why.. because something in your post says you love him and he loves you. But, he goes home and he has a terrible family, and he goes back to being their son, and it doesn't sound like they have much kindness to offer women and children. Disrespectful is keeping children up, and not allowing a woman to shower and put up make up before she has to play happy families.
He is the father of your children, and they are grandparents and aunts and uncles. You and the kids need to meet them. Maybe if you invite them over for dinner, and then you'll be in your own space. Terrible, terrible, terrible....
I really don't know what to say to you. We have had stories from women who have had to put up with bad manners from their husbands family for years. It doesn't seem to get any better. This can't work if you don't have his support.
Sigh.. I bet if you call your family, they will tell you to come home. Try and go and see them, or try to get them to visit, and then tell them about the long journey, the tired kids, and the flat cell phone. Tell them in a funny way, how awful the travel was, and how you was nervous about meeting them all, so you just wanted time to get ready to present you and the children at your best. Humour helps you deal with difficult people.
Sigh.. will see if I can get a more sensible aunt to give you better advice than I can. Stay strong, sorry things have worked out this way.... Terrible, terrible people, and some of them are bloody women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together for 8 years. And i've already been isolated. He has 3 sisters and 2 brothers here. After a week long stressful drive, his family took it as a sign of disrespect that i didnt want to meet them right away. Only 1 of his sisters understands me as she went through the same thing with her husband. I think it's ridiculous that anyone would expect me to go anywhere after driving for a week. I told my boyfriend to go with his family alone, that i wasnt ready to meet anyone after the long drive. He didnt want to accept that i was tired and stressed. And now his family is always in the middle of our relationship saying that he should leave me because i'm disrespectful to them. I just dont understand how these people could be so judgemental and say all these horrible things about me when i havent officially met them. My biggest shock is that my boyfriend and i were so close before we came here and now he sides with his family and is so distant.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
Wait a second... you got 3 kids, and have been together for at least 5years (I guess) Leaving him because of one disagreement is a bit too fast.
It doesn't sound like you were happy to move. Now, I can understand why this all happen. He wanted to see his family, he wanted you to meet them, that's what was in his mind, he didn't once think about you or the kids. Can't understand why his sister thought it was alright to leave you and drive her brother alone, that sounds strange. If you were going to leave, you should have done it when you were left with a dead cell, and no directions in a strange place.
Anyway, that's in the past. You better go and talk to him. Make it clear that you and the kids better be treated better or you can't stay. You need his support so you can get to feel comfortable around his people. You need to explain, that you feel like he's ashamed of you and you feel abandoned. I would talk to him, and if you don't like his reactions or his behaviour doesn't change, then yes, I would leave and go back to my family. I'm assuming he promised you that life would be wonderful if you moved back to his home town. Well it isn't, and if he doesn't change his behaviour, or if his family aren't more welcoming, you can't stay because you will be isolated and may suffer emotional problems.
Go and talk to him. Don't be angry and shout. It's not that kind of conversation. Just tell him, life in his hometown isn't what you thought. Tell him what you need him to do to make it better. Use the "I" word, "I feel embarrassed when you talk to me like that in front of your family... "I was scared and hurt when you left me in a strange place"... you and your kids come first. If the guy has changed for the worst, then don't stay, but talk to him first.
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