A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear allI have asked for advice before and hope you will help me again.been married 24 yrs with him for 32yrs3 yrs ago i found out he was cheating on me with a co worker 20 yrs younger than him she was also married the affair had been going about 4 mths as soon as i found out at first he was going to leave me but then he said that he was sorry and would never cheat or hurt me again.I forgive him and we were sorting out our marriage then another blow for me i find that he had cheated 3 times before once with a friend another co worker and a girl he knew before he met me. rumour has it that he has fathered a child with this woman since we have been together he denines this but i am unable to know if he is being truthful or not as he says she would have told him if he was. we worked at the same place and back in 1991 a girl did say to me how did i know(steve not real name) as her friend had a baby by him,at the time i did ask him and he said no it was his mate not him now i am not so sure what do you think on that???the last 3 yrs have been hell i left and went to a refudge as he started to hit me if i asked him about the affairs but like a fool he pleaded for me to come back to him .After 3 weeks i did return to my home and our marriage has been up and down but when we row he throws things smashes up our home he has nt punched me since but he will get in my face as if he s going to head butt me throws things at me tells me its all my fault i made him like it then afterwards he says he sorry and cries things are ok then till the next time and the same things happen over and over.I said im going to leave and he told me to go as he hurt me if i did nt so i got some stuff together and he would nt let me go he stayed home and never went to work. Today is the first time he said that he had the affairs because i was controlling in everything and that was 1 thing i could nt control was that .He says he loves me and he is always sorry but i dont know my own mind i hate him 1 minuite but love him to i am as scared to stay and just as scared to leave i have no friends or family only me and my h/b i dont go out anywhere without him and panic when im alone please help me what do i do???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): To the last Anon female: the OPs hb cheated 4 Times that she knows of. Will you still call it a mistake?LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): in my opinion, you both love each other and it was mistake. neither you are able to forgive him, nor he has come out of guilt fully..
you both needs to show maturity to come out. you need to try him forgiving for one mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Would you rather be alone or battered and abused and tormented, going out of your mind?
I think I read your first post here on DC months ago. So nothing has changed.
Please for your own well being go to a safe shelter. Your hb will not change. Not only is he a cheater he is an abuser as well.
Only you can make the choice to set yourself free.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): You get out of there, look into shelters and places you could go.
I know it's not as easy as that but let's face it your only other option is to stay in an incredibly unhappy marriage with a mentally and physically abusive husband. He won't change, you can be sure of that. I'd be willing to bet that the violence will start again soon too.
Personally in your situation, I'd risk it and leave him because quite frankly I'd have so little to lose and everything to gain. I'm sorry to say there is no magic answer that will make it all better and easier for you, you have to do this yourself. It'll be hard in the beginning and take a lot of inner strength and courage but surely it would be worth that in order to be happy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Hugs doll. Very sorry to hear this. This man has possible psychological issues and he needs professional help and possible treatment. He is absolutely no good for you. I think if you broke things off with this man you would feel a HUGE HUGE weight off your shoulders and with that you will start to feel more independent and perhaps confident in carrying out your own business. Yes you will need to recover and for that there are support groups Im sure for people whove been in abusive relationships. Of course youll always have us here at DC but groups of people who have been in a similar sutuation has you could offer you comfort so you dotn feel so alone. Continuing to be with this man, even after so many years together, will put yourself at a mental risk of depression, anxiety, and many other conditions because of the way he has treated you and the way your kind heart has tried to deal with all of his shit. Get out of there! My best your way always.
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A
female
reader, Smileypants  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Wow, this post made me sad. I'm so sorry you've been through all this :(
I'm going to be perfectly honest and say that you, me and everyone who reads your post would agree you need to get away from this man. If you truly don't have ANYONE to take you in, look into a local battered women's shelter. Hopeflly they can help you get on your feet, maybe get some counseling/meds for your panic attacks.
I know you've been with him a loooong time, but you are going to just get older and more dependant on a man that hits you, cheats on you and is slowly killing you. Please don't stay any longer.
Please let us know how you are sometime...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): this man is a liar and a cheater and a classic abuser. even going so far as to blame it on you that he cheated. disgusting. this man is a true shame to humankind. this is your partner. the man you should be able to come to for protection. yet he's the one physically and emotionally harming you. you need to get out of this relationship and leave this disgrace of a man. it's only going to get worse.
he needs counseling and serious anger management. there's no excuse to be his age and still be throwing temper tantrums, hitting, and breaking things when he gets mad. i believe people were supposed to outgrow that by the age of two.
i know you say you don't have friends or family. could you go back to the refuge place you mentioned? or there are certainly womens shelters for this kind of situation, where they offer you not only physical protection, but also counseling and just as important, peers. women who are in the very same situation as you. you could develop friendships with these women. this could be a start of a new life.
in the meantime, maybe your husband can get a wake-up call. maybe he will seek counseling and get help for his problems. but you cannot be with this man until something drastic changes. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Oh hunny you must leave this man now he is no good.
He is blaming you for all his lies and betrayal making you feel like it is all your fault when it is him not you.
He will not change men like him rarely do get out while you can and dont look back
Take care of you xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): "as he started to hit me if i asked him about the affairs"
Please get help, this is a classic abuser, and you don't have friends because he is controlling you.
Yes, you love him, but when you love someone who abuses you then you need a lot of help with counseling to get past that.
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