A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I dated for 4 years now. I knew when I first got with him that his ex girlfriend that cheated on him with her current boyfriend is still contacting him. We moved in together after 1 year and I watched this girl sending messages and emails to my boyfriend. At first I didn't care but like everything else it gets old and I want her to stop, so I asked my boyfriend to ignore her she will eventually stop!He promised me that she gets on his nerves and he will never contact her without letting me know. 5 years into our relationship I log in to his lap top he forgot to logged out and I saw he emailed his ex. I feel betrayed even worse he send her this emotional closure long as hell letter that makes me so angry and jealous. She was his first love and he said that God took her away because he puts her first in his life blah blah blah......I thought closure was supposed to be short and get to the point? What makes me so angry my boyfriend send her 2 closures explaining how he used to adore and love her and finally on the second email he said if you see me in the future let's just pass each other like we're strangers. Not only I feel betrayed he lied after he promised me he will leave her alone, he did not even mentioned that he met someone he's happy with. his long as hell closure letter sounded like a love letter except the last paragraph. I was so angry at him I message her boyfriend on Facebook to tell his woman to leave my boyfriend alone. I overreacted and I humiliated myself. I just wish I did this 5 years ago cause I have no idea that her boyfriend knew about it too. They fought a lot about her secretly contacting my boyfriend. He send me a message saying he will make sure she don't contact my boyfriend again. I confronted my boyfriend but he don't think what he did was wrong. He told me he was trying to stop her from contacting him which I think it's stupid cause that's the 3 closure letters he sends her and she completely ignored them.We're fighting about this almost everyday cause he's defending himself and I'm angry that he betrayed my trust. Please help, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting I just want him to apologize for lying to me but he's calling me crazy, jealous, and now he said his co-workers think he was doing the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2016): ugh. It bugs me tremendously when a guy calls his gf crazy or insecure for expressing her feelings to him. It's a cop-out and his way of saying that he doesn't intend to change and that you are the one who is wrong here. When a guy calls a girl crazy, it's his defense mechanism playing in giving him self-assurance that he can behave that way without acknowledging how it affects you. It's also his way to make you feel worthless, rather than having any negative opinions about himself. Don't like him play the crazy/jealous card!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): In my opinion, no-one needs closure THIS much and FIVE YEARS later! Really! I don't think he likes the fact that she is ignoring him and he's trying to get her attention again, by telling her about how much he loved her and that they aren't to speak if they meet? Sounds like a load of BS to me. Trying to make her think she's lost him, in an attempt to worry her and make her talk to him again. The first email was full of proclamations of love and when he got no response from that, he started with the 'let's not speak if we see each other' to try another way to get a response. 'Closure' has been happening for five years? I don't think I could believe that this is what he's after. He also promised you that he would let you know before contacting her again, but he didn't. And didn't do for some time. I don't want to sound too cynical, but bearing in mind that men will often tell women what they want to hear and not necessarily the truth, I wouldn't be believing him myself. He doesn't think he did wrong? Does he not remember telling you that he would tell you before he contacted her? He has done wrong in my opinion, I bet he knows he's done wrong and you know he has, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling this way. I agree with you, that this is a betrayal of trust. What you do about that is up to you of course, but I suspect you'd be happier out of this relationship than in it.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 August 2016):
 Maybe those closure e-mails weren't FOR the ex-gf, but for himself. HE needed to make it final. Yes, it's a BIT late for that, but that is the thing with people and "closure" - most don't seem to grasp that the ONLY closure we need is the one WE give ourselves. Well, your BF did JUST that. IT doesn't matter IF she replies to them, HE gave himself a closure from whatever hurt he went through with her.
Do you have the right to feel mad?
Yes, I think so if he AGREED to no contacting her any more, but then still doing it behind your back. He should have been honest and told you he wasn't done dealing with her, but he also didn't want YOU to leave.
You have two people - the BF and his ex. Who BOTH ignored their partners and did what THEY wanted to do, in this case stay in contact.
The tone and length of a "closure" e-mail I think is a little irrelevant, my guess is he wanted to remember HER and THEIR relationship with a positive glow. Some people seem to forget the bad stuff over time, because happy memories are more pleasant to keep.
Not mentioning you in the letters only hurt YOU. And the letters weren't FOR you or for your eyes. They were to dissect his feeling and move on. Not to RUB in his new relationship in her face.
Contacting the ex's BF on FB I think was overreacting, and I think it was invading his privacy when you went through ALL the e-mails he wrote her.
When you listen at keyholes you seldom hear good things about yourself. Know that saying? Not writing about you doesn't mean your relationship hasn't been good for him, or that he doesn't love you. It just means YOU were not the subject of these letters, his feeling and his ex were.
Instead of this constant fighting maybe you two need to sit down and talk boundaries. Like what is OK and what is NOT. Like talking to exes. Going through each others personal e-mails, lying. I would explain to him that IF he can lie about this what ELSE has he lied about and what else WILL he lie about. Explain WHY the lying is hurtful, because IMHO it's WAY more hurtful than a 3 part longass "closure" letter.
And if he tries to put the responsibility on YOU for his lies - aka - he lied because you get so upset blah blah blah... then explain that you are FAR more upset that you were lied to for YEARS.
As for your BF to claim that he think he did no wrong, well... that isn't so surprising. He did what HE wanted to regardless of how it made you feel.
Who cares what his coworkers think? They aren't DATING him.
So decide if this is OK or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): I'm 29 years old. i forgot to check the year before I submit.
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