A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, i've had this problem of my boyfriend looking at naked women on webcams. He promised me that he wouldn't do it again because it made me feel so hurt and not good enough for him. Well, i know i shouldn't have but i snooped through his computer and i found screen caps of where he had not only been looking at naked women, he'd been talking to them. I don't know what to do. I feel emotionally and physically sick. Please help. :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Person12345 has great tips there for you as you move along in this new phase of your relationship with him. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Some suggestions:
Have him look through the website http://www.yourbrainonporn.com. It provides resources on how to stop, support from other people with the same goal, information on how it will benefit him to stop, and a better understanding of how it is impacting the marriage.
There is a book aimed at couples (that you read through together) dealing with this issue called The Porn Trap by Larry and Wendy Maltz. It's very good at providing a better understanding for both of you on the issue at hand.
Many users find it helpful to have someone install net nanny type software/porn filters on their computer. Some people who install them on their own say they make the password be something like their partner's name so they can remember why they're quitting in the first place. If he's actually serious about stopping, I'd think he would be open to that idea. While it's likely he might find it irritating, I'd question whether he honestly intends to quit or whether he just means to lie better if he reacts viscerally to the idea.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Thanks for the update OP... best of luck to the two of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo we have talked, he admitted that he has a problem and is willing to fix it with my help. I told him that if it keeps happening, i would have to go. As much as it hurts, that is not a good environment for me or our baby, and i'd rather leave. So, hopefully things will work out.
:/
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 June 2012):
I agree totally with Tisha-1. He knows you don't want to break up with him, and knows that he can continue to treat you like garbage because you won't do anything about it. I know you love him, but at what cost? Don't kid yourself into thinking you're helping your child by staying, because growing up with separated parents is far better than in a marriage that isn't working.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2012):
So basically, he's dodging the issue because he knows if he just acts like an ostrich, the issue will go away because you'll forgive him because you love him. So he knows there will be no consequences other than you'll be upset for a while?
Have you considered asking him to move out and work on the relationship with the help of a couples counselor? And did you happen to look at the links person12345 suggested?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2012):
Ok so if you don't leave, what will you do to cope with the pain?
how in the world if him doing this makes you sick do you propose to cope with this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked with him about this. He hasn't really said anything. I know he is upset. I can't just leave though. I love him. And we have a son together. As much as it hurts i just can't leave...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2012):
he's lying to you
you don't trust him
you're not happy
at your age, I'd leave the relationship and NOT settle for less than happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): He has broken a promise to you, betrayed your trust and continues to cheat on you. How you feel is perfectly natural. It is gut wrenching isnt it, when you find out someone you decided to trust...again... is treating your faith in them with such contempt. Were there conditions that went along with your `second chance`. If so, what were your conditions? Because now it is time to implement them x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2012):
Life's too short to be with a guy who thinks chatting to women on webcam isn't cheating. Sorry you had to find this out but go ahead and end the relationship. There are lots of guys out there who won't do this.
Be brave, end the relationship and free yourself to find an honorable man. This one isn't. Sorry. :(
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 I am really sorry.
I think you have to talk to him about this again, unfortunately, and it will have to come to the point of either he really stops, or you decide whether you can actually continue like this.
Men sometimes go through these kind of phases, and I guess he is pretty young as well. His friends probably do this all the time. And it probably means nothing emotionally to him. But it is understandably very upsetting for you. He needs to really take that on board.
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A
female
reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (25 June 2012):
 There's 3 problems here;
He's been looking at naked women
He broke his promise
He's actually spoke to them
You have the right to be upset, do not let anyone say you're insecure, he shouldn't of done this to you.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I don't blame you for feeling sick. With all of the posts I've read lately on online relationships, porn, using webcams, etc, I think we have an epidemic of people who must not want real relationships anymore. You are not the only one having this problem. I agree with the other post here. He is definitely cheating on you and is probably addicted to his cyber life. I agree that you should move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): I would class that as cheating myself. He is interacting with these women and cyber sex in is still sex. I would leave him, he has lied to you and obviously has ni intention of stopping, his only intention is to hide his activities from you. He doesn't respect how you feel about this, so I think it may be time for to move on and find yourself someone who does respect you. I know it's easier said than done when you love someone, but be strong because you deserve better than to be treated like that. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (25 June 2012):
 He made a promise to you and didn't keep it. You can't trust him, and a relationship can't survive without trust. Really, there is only one thing you can do, distance yourself from the relationship. If the relationship is new, and you really haven't had time to emotionally invest in it, then you should just cut your losses and move on. But if you've been together a while, and you REALLY want to work things out, then you need to have a stern talk with him. Tell him he has to make a choice. He can either chose to be with you.....or he can have his naked webcam girls, but he can't have both. Now if he agrees, once again, to give up the webcam girls, but then he puts security and passwords on his laptop so you can check up on him, then he is still up to no good, and you need to just move on.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 June 2012):
I think many people would consider cyber sex/webcam sex to be cheating. He's been lying to you and is unwilling to stop, it is probably time to move on. He does not value your feelings or respect you.
If you are also struggling with porn, that is a separate issue and I suggest you take a look at the links on my profile. I think they would be helpful to you.
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