A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that my partner has been phoning prostitutes and asking them what they offer. I inadvertently found that he had been looking at websites for local massage parlours on his PC and so checked his phone, and he had a number for a prostitute saved to his phone, and saw that he had recently called her. I confronted him and eventually, after some denial, he admitted it. He says that this is his way of getting off, and that he has never visited a prostitute - wouldn't have the balls - and in some ways I believe that he wouldn't actually follow through, but still don't know how to feel about this - just know I am feeling hurt, and that my self-esteem is rock bottom. Do you think this is acceptable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): NO THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. End of story. Men like to come up with the excuse that they need more than one sexual partner. If that is the case. Don't get married. My husband told me the exact same thing and guess what- I found out he lied. Not only did he lie, he has been with more than one "escort" (fancy name for prostitue). The good thing with the internet and online information, it is much easier to catch your man. There is a great service- emailrevealer.com that can do online investigations to see which sites your man has registered for- ladies, this is not acceptable behavior. Put, the shoe on the other foot. How would your man feel if you paid the pool boy $300 per hour to come over and have sex with you and then said it was just sex? Or, if you said well, I was just calling the pool boy about sex, but I didn't do it. Cheating is cheating. End of story. I am getting divorced - hoping for no diseases and moving on with my life.
A
female
reader, disappointedwoman  +, writes (29 August 2008):
My husband said the same thing. He said he was using it for fantasy material and would never actually act on it. we went to therapy and he convinced the therapist that he was telling the truth and was sorry...and guess what. A few years later, I found that he was seeing prostitutes right and left...he was blogging about it like a teenaged boy in a locker room. He was delighted with himself. He wasn't sorry...it is just an act. Don't believe the crocodile tears ladies. The only time I have really seen him really cry from the heart about this is when he found out I was asking for alimony. D
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (9 July 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
You said "I am feeling hurt, and that my self-esteem is rock bottom..." Then you asked "Do you think this is acceptable?" Given what you've stated, NO this is NOT acceptable!! What this tells me is that your partner values his getting off as more important than your feelings and emotional state.
Now, I don't want you to be even more upset, but I feel like I have to mention something about the whole "doesn't have the balls" bit he's giving you. You said that he was in denial about the whole thing before admitting that he did any of these hurtful things. Wouldn't that mean he could be in "denial" about actually *visiting* them, too?
Think back - did you ever get the feeling that your partner would be capable of calling prostitutes? Probably not. So what makes you so sure that he's not visiting them? Don't try to convince yourself that he's not capable of visiting them. Be honest with yourself - can you trust him when he says it was only phone calls? I'm seriously asking you this question because more important than your relationship being at stake is your health. Like Eyes said, "I'd worry about STD's if I were you."
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your guy and tell him that you need to know if he's been with anyone else. Tell him that you need to know for health reasons. I don't know if you were planning on having kids, but you probably know that some STDs will leave a woman infertile while others can cause blister break outs and worse, death. You need to find out from him what the truth is. And even after the conversation (or before!) I would schedule a doctor appointment to have yourself checked.
Also when you're talking with your partner, I think you need to determine how you can rebuild the trust (if you want to stay together) and what changes need to be made. I would let him know that you want to work *together* on making the relationship work, so there needs to be much more communication between the two of you. Open communication more often than not leads to trusting one another and being honest with each other. Perhaps if you feel like it's necessary, you could even consider going to couples counseling?
But honestly, if you two end up splitting I don't think you'd be losing much. I know that you obviously care a great deal about this man - otherwise you wouldn't be so upset. But you should be with someone who values your feelings more than he values his jollies. There's no reason why that should be interfering this much in your relationship. If anything, you two could have worked together to make sure the both of you were equally satisfied. Relationships are full of compromises - (i.e. - role playing in this case, perhaps?).
Remember, anonymous, sometimes you need to think about yourself first. Don't let him talk you into thinking that his behavior is okay if it is hurting you this much. Stay strong, be assertive and be safe. (Go make that doctor appointment now!)
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 Eyeswideopen chose a good nickname. Follow what she says.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2007):
 No it's not acceptable. He is feeling out the waters, and I'll bet he will eventually go for a swim. I'd worry about STD's if I were you. Don't let this affect your self-esteem sweetie, he is the one with the problem. Tell him to knock this crap off or you'll show him the door.
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