A
female
age
30-35,
*ose22
writes:dear readers, i have known this guy for a few months now and im having a few difficulties. he was hurt in the past by his father whom he once trusted, but the father abused this guys mum and his siblings. so i understand where he might falter in trusting or getting close to other people. the thing is though when ever i ask anything personal he shuts down. i ask him what hes doing the next day and he blocks me. the thing is we have kissed and we have a unofficial relationship happening, but he just wont open up to me or even admit that he likes me or thinks anything about me! i feel like a take one step forward and three steps back with him... how can i possibly continue with this guy if i cant even ask him the simplest things and get an answer? where does it get to the point where i have to step back and let him decide to trust me when hes ready? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 November 2011):
Hi there. You can't change his past family life, it's something he has to learn to deal with and accept.
Whenever you do see each other, just don't ask him anything personal. Simply ask him how he is, or how has his day been.
He's already having trust issues with people generally, so he might see your asking questions about his personal life, as invasive slightly. So you do need to tread very carefully.
Try just living in the present moment - and what is happening now, this moment. You can find things to talk about without going backwards into the past.
Perhaps when you see each other, you could go somewhere you could go walking. Conversation often flows really well, when there is movement of some sort - such as walking.
Plus, there are things to look at all the time as you walk. So there's potential for conversation.
Maybe you could go to a nice park where there are bush tracks you could walk along and enjoy the scenery as you go. You can talk about what you see and observe.
Or you could walk along a beach together at sunset if you like. The sea is very grounding, and can make you feel at peace with the world.
Once you are walking together, you will find that all sorts of things might come up from where you first started. One subject flows onto another, and another.
Still though, don't ever ask him anything personal about anything at all. If it's going to happen at all, let it come from him - or not at all. Just don't go there.
You will know where to draw the line. You are already seeing this now anyway.
The main thing is to just enjoy yourselves, and feel happy in each other's company. Keep it very relaxed with no pressure or expectation. Then you can't go wrong.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 I don't think you should continue with him.
If he does not trust based on how he was raised vs a girlfriend that hurt him, that's old ingrained learned behavior...
He will probably require therapy to get past his mum being abused in front of him... are you sure you want to take this on?
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