A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married under a year. I love him very much, we have a strong relationship and he treats me well , but there has been a situation recently that has put stress on our marriage.There was a girl, a few years back, that used to go to parties that me and my man would go to. She was always very drunk and would hang on my man in front of me. I rode her off because my guy never mentioned her and never entertained her actions, he would just push her away.Its been a few years, and I really had not even thought about this girl. I am not a jealous person typically.Recently she started emailing him at work, which I dont mind, but I am not sure why they email each other, she works for the same company, but no where near him. They never run into each other.All of the sudden he decides one day that he wants to hang out and drink with her, in her dorm room, just the two of them. He calls to ask me if this is okay, I immediately start feeling a little uneasy about this.My husband does not drink with me. I hardly ever have alcohol, maybe 3 times ever. He says he doesnt like to drink with me because drinking should be social, not just me and him becuase that is boring. As you can see I would be a little offended that he would want to drink with this girl, that is not me, when i have asked him many times to do this with me and he has refused.I let him go, because i have been told you must trust your man, and if you nag him it makes things worse. I understand that you must have separate friends, but this girl makes me feel weird.I started noticing after that they were texting. I mentioned it bothered me but he said she was like a guy (she works in what would typically be called a man's job) and he drinks with her just like he would with his buddies. Then she started calling him and they would arrange to hang out more and more. One weekend he told me he was going bowling with a few buddies, turns out the few buddies was her and her female friend, and I feel like he should have told me because he knew it bothered me for him to hang out with her. I felt like he was hiding something. He said he didnt think of it that way, he thinks of her jsut like a guy.When someone says just like a guy i envision a woman that is not very attractive, but this girl is attractive and hardly acts like a man.He has brought her beer to cheer her up when she is sad and i dont want another girl crying on my husbands shoulder, that is how emotional affairs begin in my opinion.Now every friday night when he gets off he drinks alone with her for about 2 hours, which takes away from our night off together. I am getting so jealous it is driving me insane. I havent said it bothered me and acted cool about it thinking it would stop, but it hasnt. I dont see what a young single girl and a young married man would have in common so much that they text all the time and hang out every friday night, and other nights occasionally. He has other female friends I have no problem with, but this one gets under my skin. I am not entirely blaming her either, he is bothering me too.He is honest and tells me what he is doing, but i dont agree with it and he wont stop. am i in the wrong and overreacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your advice it is so nice to hear advice from people that genuinely want to help, I have come on here a few times and had people post very mean replys. You all have been so helpful and encouraging!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): I trust your husband, but not sure about the girl. Seems she wants him, and she's doing things to get close and intimate with him.. not a good idea with a married man...
Tell him like you said.. you don't mind his women friends, you don't mind him having fun, but you don't trust that girl... things will become more intimate, and then he may do something he regrets, or put himself in an embarrasing position. Not jealousy, just a woman knowing when someone's out to steal her man... Explain how you are feeling, you just don't like her, don't trust her, and if they need to meet, then for the safety and security of your marriage, he shouldn't see her in the company of workmates with you there, so you can see what is going on.
Ask him to turn it round, would he be comfortable if it was you with a man who was all over you and wanting you.. Would he feel secure and safe?
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (31 October 2009):
 It's way past time for you to speak up and say something about this. He may think of her as one of the guys, but I can guarantee she isn't thinking of herself the same way. Trust your intuition and talk to him about how much this bothers you. He doesn't need to go out with her alone every Friday night, especially after how she's been hanging all over him in the past.
Rein him in.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): You're in a very difficult situation and I would be feeling exactly the same. Firstly, you should tell your husband how you feel. It isn't fair for you to feel like this, and I'm sure your husband wouldn't wish for you to feel upset.I'm not sure how well you know this woman, but if you're not that familiar with her it might make you feel easier if you got to know her a bit. You could suggest having a drink with her and your husband on one Friday. You may find that actually even though she is attractive, you can see why your husband would think of her as he would a male friend. Hopefully this will make you feel a lot happier about the situation.
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