A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any help would be greatly appreciated:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have talked about marriage and for the most part, we get along famously. Here is my delima: He seems angry, distant, and at times bored with me and our relationship. I will admit, I have really spoiled him....and I have since day one....which to be honest, I don't mind that at all...I want to make him happier than he's ever been. But to be honest, I feel very unappreciated, and at times, I feel like he doesn't even want me around (almost like a burden). We have evolved into this stale routine...I cook all his meals, do all his laundry, I never reject sex when he wants it (and initiate it myself most of the time), and I really try to make a "home" for him....He has gotten to the point that he no longer puts forth any effort in our relationship....I know that honeymoon phases do not last, but is this even normal? I love him dearly and I want to be his wife....I just don't want to feel like I am a burden. He also has a short fuse....will get upset over very trivial things. I just don't know what to do....All I know is I am starting to feel unloved and down on myself. Any help would be appreciated.
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Second the motion on letting him do for you. I personally feel that men have to do this, its hardwired. The other thing is you could try to spice things up and get out of the rut you are in. Go for a trip or surprise him with something that you will both enjoy doing together.
I also think you might have some self esteem issues that are setting a dynamic in motion. What I mean is that people who carry themselves in a insecure fashion often attract people who like to dominate. This may not be on the mark for you but take it into consideration.
You sound like a good hearted woman. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Ok, then stop doing his personal chores, you are not his maid, you don't even share the household, so let his laundry pile up.
Ask him over to your place more often and if you own it find him something to repair or help you with, like painting a room even...make him feel like you need him, too. I know it sounds stupid, but he may really be happy that you let him do for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I'm sorry, I should have stated more information....No, we only live together on the weekends. I maintain a separate residence and stay with him at his home every weekend. No, we are not engaged.....he talks about it, but that's all we do is just talk....it's ok if he initiates the convo's but gets angry if I initate talk of marriage. I had not previously thought I had put undue pressure on him, but I will give your advice a shot to see if me "backing off" and letting him do more helps our situation. Thanks! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Well, there are several things going on here it seems to me.
First problem is you have been with this man for four years and you have only talked about marriage, which I am assuming doesn't mean he has bought you a ring and you have a wedding date? If you want marriage and happily ever after with him you are instead setting things up for him to lose respect for you (by your hanging in there for such a long time) and for living with him and acting as if you are his personal servent.
Basically, I understand you want to take care of him and make him happy by doing all the stuff he can do for himself, but it doesn't seem to be working or making him happy, now does it?
You are over doing things, over using your gifts....by making a home for him. Whose house is it? Do you both own it together or are you just living there?
Stop putting the cart before the horse and back off and let him do for you. He is feeling like you are his mother, not his partner and that is just not sexy to a man now is it?
Men want to feel needed and respected. So if you start allowing him to help you around the house with laundry and dishes and fixing something that is broken, then make a little fuss over him and thank him for helping.
I knew one woman whose husband was feeling like he couldn't do a thing for her, so she went out to the fuse box and turned of a room of lights and called her husband in to fix the damn thing. He was quite proud of himself for finding the fuse was off. Simple, but it was just one of those things that made him feel good.
You also are more than likely putting too much focus on him and not having your own interests and activities that you don't ask permission to go do, you just schedule them and let him know you'll be gone! If you are not doing that it puts an unconscious burden on him to be responsible for all of your happiness too, and yes that is a huge burden to a man.
So that is all I got, the rest is up to you to figure out on your own.....Personally, I would want to have my own place if I weren't engaged and still be dating as the man is still really only dating you.
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