A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.Please bear with me for a bit. I know it is long. The situation is very strange. The man in question is a friend of a friend. We met in March and he was not supposed to be anything but a fling, an one night stand even. I was fine with this. The sex was mindblowing. In fact we spent the next two days in bed speaking and, well other things too. We really connected. He asked for my number and told me his life is complicated and he needs a few weeks time but he definitely wanted to see me again. I told him it would be awesome but only if he wanted to (I heard the its complicated story before) He didn't call. I ran into him at an exhibition almost 3 months ago. I thought it was accidental. Soon afterward he confessed he had engineered the whole thing making sure our common friend brought me there. He tried to call me it seems but he had written the number wrong. So, ever since we have been joined to the hip. He said we should take it easy physically in order to really get to know each other and I agreed. I never initiated anything at all. All effort comes from him. We reached a point when he called me constantly, obsessively even. We got really close. He was not lying about his life being complicated (looooong story). As a result he is suffering from severe depression. That did not stop him from being romantic as hell, cooking candlelit dinners and playing romantic music, he met all my friends and gazes into my eyes non stop. Things progressed and we had sex again about a month ago. Only he seemed very disturbed afterward believing he wasn't good enough (to be fair it was not spectacular like before but of course I never hinted that he was anything but wonderful). He even said he hated himself for dissapointing me in the sack (completely in his head, I was happy)Since then he has been Jekyll and Hyde with me. Sometimes he shuts everyone out including his own mother and I am the only one he allows near. Sometimes he takes me on spontaneous road trips and I believe the world is upright again. Last week it got creepy. While we were sleeping together (no sex involved, he hasn't touched me sexually since the last time) he was holding on to me so tight I could hardly breathe. At some point he woke me up in the middle of the night shaking me and frightening me. He said "I love you so much I don't know what I will do if you ever leave me". He gave me a bruise (he was not violent)I believe he has no recollection of the incident as I tried to bring it up and he said he is sleepwalking and talking in his sleep. I haven't told himabout it. The very next day he came over to mine and at the end of the night he said he was going home. He dropped the bombcell that he isn't falling for me and it bothers him because he thought he would by now. He thinks sex will hurt me and said since I am close to him he is masturbating several times a day to ease the tension. BUT his clingy behavior only got worse. By now his mom is imploring me not to abandon her son. Things came to a nasty climax on Saturday. He actually came to find me at a private party he was not invited to. He kept texting and calling throughout the day. We left together and went dancing. We danced and kissed (everything initiated by him). Then I went to the toilet and in the mean time he sent me a text saying "We will not become a couple but you mean so much to me. I don't want to lose you."Of course a very unpleasant conversation ensued ending up with me in tears, him kissing me again and me running away. He called the moment I reached home, at 6 in the morning and once again admitted that what we are having is not a friendship and that he has feelings for me (on his own accord I mainly listened - maybe I shouldn't have picked up). My constant position is that if he wants out the door is open any time. I am not holding him against his will. I also said I am not interested in forcing him to love me but I am not getting what I want (mainly peace of mind, affection, security. I get A LOT of attention but none of the good things a girlfriend should enjoy. He is basically sharing his entire life with me at this point and what do I get?). Now he is being weird again. The next day he called me a total of 11 times and spent more than 2 hours on the phone with me when I eventually picked up. Then nothing for a day, then 5 calls yesterday and today nothing again (and I do not feel secure enough to call him myself or initiate anything at all). He wants to meet and talk it over. The problem is, I am in love with him. And I believe that he is worth it (I know I mention only the wacky stuff now but the guy is a gem whose illness is taking its toll). I also believe he has some serious feelings for me but maybe I am wrong. All I know is that even if it hurts I will not settle for a therapist/best buddy or something like that and watch him walk into the sunset with the next girl that abuses him. It is not enough. I just hate ultimatums (love me or I am out) so I can't force his hand. I just booked a holiday and was thinking to suggest we don't speak in the mean time so that each of us can think things through. Is this wrong? Have I already lost him? I would really really appreciate input. I am holding strong but (laugh if you may) I was really convinced he was the one. And that never happened to me before. So if there is anything I can do to salvage things without either of us getting hurt I would do it in a heartbeat.Sorry for the long postThanks in advance for the answers
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kissing, one night stand, text, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): my above response seems rude. That's because half of it is missing for some reason. The part where I was thanking you for the time you took to answer :-)
Also, no, I am not on any medication and the only thing doing my head in right now is him. I also do not have experience with depression so I don't know what is normal and what is not..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Also, I would really like to emhasize that I do not find any of this entertaining and I take no pleasure in it. I hope it didn't come out this way. This week the situation has been draining me of all energy and I feel unable to escape and at the same time my needs and feelings are not covered.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Thanks for answering. OP here. Sure, in the beginning I enjoyed the attention but now I think it is unhealthy and for the wrong reasons. I even talked to him about it. I don't see how I am manipulating him. That is certainly not intentional. I always thought it was a bit the other way around. When he shuts down completely I am the only one he agrees to talk to so I kind of feel obligated to respond (that's where the mother comes in). I just try to be there for him any way I can. Maybe that is a mistake/encouragement. I personally have no mental health concerns and I am not on medication. I am also not going back and forth. I want this man and want to get through it if it can be done and help him get better. My behavior didn't change. I just don't know what I am to him and I am scared to be hurt. I have suggested numerous times (in the right context, ie when he talked about his illness on his own accord) that he needs therapy. He agrees completely but then does nothing about it. I even arranged for a job for him (which would have solved a lot of problems) and he didn't go. It was all manageable until last week when the episode in the night took place. He has been downright weird ever since and I don't know what to do next.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): If you can handle the drama and the bi-polar mood-swings, more power to you. You are in over your head, and he really needs to get his mental disorder in check; before either of you consider a major commitment. He needs to be hospitalized.
You might suffer some physical harm during the violent night terrors.
I strongly suspect that he isn't taking his medication(s). That accounts for his behaving is such a bazaar manner. You shouldn't be encouraging his intrusions and stalking. Your manipulating a very sick man.
You're taking pleasure in his obsessing. It doesn't sound good to me.
No matter what I say, your feelings are your own, and you will do whatever you want.
The problem is, you are dealing with a man who is undergoing episodes related to his illness, and you can't be sure which personality (among the two or three you've described); that you claim you are so emotionally involved with.
The violent Jekyll and Hyde, the clingy romantic; or the manic depressive schizoid personality. I think this is beginning to affect you as well. You may find all this to your entertainment; but I find it unsettling.
You both are going back and forth. One moment you two are joined in intimacy, and seeming to enjoy each other. Then you can't seem to get away from him. Then he can't stand being around you. He stalks you about.
I think he needs take his medication, and I think you need some therapy as well. I have a funny suspicion that you both are on anxiety medications. Your behavior is quite erratic, and your inconsistency in behavior tells me he's not the only one on prescribed medication. Pardon my speculation.
In response to your question, you know as well as I do that he is going to have an anxiety attack while you're gone.
Set limitations on his contact. You're not doing him any favors being submissive or passive aggressive. You like the attention, and the thought that some guy is "mad" about you. I don't think you two are a healthy combination. I don't care what his mother thinks.
She just needs someone to take the pressure of his mental-health issues off her. The pressure can be intolerable. As you will learn in good time.
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