A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been seeing a man for a few months who was honest from the onset that he was very recently separated from his wife. We’d been seeing one another for about 3 months when he said he wanted to tell his ex wife that he’d met someone else and knew she would take it badly as he’d been the one to initiate the separation as he wasn’t happy. He still has a lot of respect for her and has never said a bad word about her; just that their relationship wasn’t working as they weren’t a good fit and had grown apart through the course of their marriage.He told her over the weekend that he’d met someone else and she as he expected she took it very very badly, crying, screaming and begging him to give it one last chance.He reassured me that he was certain he wanted a divorce but he did care about the woman he’d spent a large portion of his wife with and hated seeing her upset.The very next day he told me he needed some space from me for a few weeks to help his ex wife get through this. He said out of respect for her he needed to be there and support her in any way he could - although still made it very clear he did not want to be with her. He said seeing her break down the way she did really upset him and he felt devastated at what he was doing to her.Am I right for feeling upset that he’s putting her feelings before mine?For anyone doubting whether he was really separated when I met him, he definitely was. We know one another through friends and I had heard about them splitting up around 2 months before we started dating.
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 May 2024):
 "I just feel (rightly or wrongly) that he is not emotionally available to me right now and likely won’t be for a long time. Would it be sensible to tell him that *I* need some space while he figures himself out and if I’m 6/12 months/however long *if* he still feels the same about me and I am still single and feeling the same way about him, that we reconnect then? I know this would be difficult for both of us but I feel this relationship does not stand a chance while he navigates through his divorce and new circumstances."
The above is the only sensible thing you have posted. OF COURSE he is not available emotionally. OF COURSE it could be a long long time before he actually IS. (Personally I believe he may NEVER be ready, unless his wife finds someone else, but that will bring with is a whole new load of issues.)
Changing a light bulb is not brain surgery. Mowing the yard is not rocket science. These are basic skills that most teenagers have, so an adult should definitely not be without them. In any case, it is never too late to learn.
Regardless of how wonderful you think he is - and I am not saying he isn't - you need to keep in mind that his loyalty lies with the woman he married.
You deserve better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2024): This guy is not very bright if he marries a woman who is totally dependent on him. And she is not bright if she allows herself to be totally dependent on any one person. Normal sensible people behave like adults and stand on their own two feet financially and in other ways so that they do not have to struggle or rely on others. Relying on others is a big negative, it can lead to many bigger problems. According to your "guy" he is enabling her to continue to act like a child and she is choosing to continue to act as a child. Both of them are feeding each other's need then and it will go on forever. If you believe that she will start to stand on her own two feet in the future you are living in a dream world.
He is using all of this as an excuse to give it another try with her. He gets a kick out of it all, some men like being relied on, it is the only chance they get to have some power and feel important.
You were silly to get involved so quickly with a separated man. You should always make sure the original relationship is done and dusted first and never give your heart so quickly even if the guy is totally single.
Now you are being naive in believing everything he tells you.
What you fail to see is you are totally single. You don't need his permission to do this or that, you just do it. Stop kidding yourself that you are a pair and in a relationship. He phones you and stays in touch to make sure you are still keen and waiting for him. He tells you what you want to hear and paints himself as a caring hero so that you do what he wants. You are child like to believe all of this and go along with it. If you allow him to be with her and come to you when it suits he has two women but neither of you women have one man, you are sharing the bits and pieces and scraps he throws your way. You know that he does not think things through yet you still trust his judgment! Silly. Silly. Silly.
You don't ask if it is ok to have a break. You tell him.
No discussion. No justifications. No explaining as if you need to convince. You are single. You do what you want. A sensible woman would not have got involved or put up with all this nonsense. The trouble is you ask for advice and cannot follow it, you return to the pattern of making huge mistakes or trusting him too much no matter what.
Women like you usually learn from experience and their mistakes but you have made lots of mistakes and not learned from any of them. It is better to be single than with a man who is unwise, needy and dishonest, can you not see that?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2024): I’m the OP.
Thank you all so much for your replies.
He has since been in touch and we have spoken about it, although not at any length. He said his wife has always been completely dependent on him; she has not worked for the entirety of their marriage, she has never had to mow the yard or change a bulb and he feels it is his responsibility to still do those things for her so she doesn’t struggle more than she has to.
To the anonymous poster who said that he sounds like a catch because he is considering her feelings and not just being a jerk - this is where my thinking was at prior to posting this question. He is a good man and he is an empath, he feels everything deeply and is kind and sensitive which is what attracted me to him in the first place.
I have no doubt that it is over between them. I just feel (rightly or wrongly) that he is not emotionally available to me right now and likely won’t be for a long time. Would it be sensible to tell him that *I* need some space while he figures himself out and if I’m 6/12 months/however long *if* he still feels the same about me and I am still single and feeling the same way about him, that we reconnect then? I know this would be difficult for both of us but I feel this relationship does not stand a chance while he navigates through his divorce and new circumstances.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2024): Yeah just here to add that sadly you're being manipulated.
Whether he intends to or not, he is going to try again with the wife. He's a game player and he's got you both right where he wants you, feeding his ego.
My guess is his wife probably cheated or did something he didn't like so he used you to get back at her and torture her. Job done. You're both dangling on a string and waiting for his next move. Why? Is he so great that you can't get better?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2024): I'm the same anonymous poster who mentioned that "you have the right to be upset about the state of things"
I'm still scratching my head over why @YouCannotBeSerious would specifically say that that's neither here nor there... like, I have a misguided understand of the expression "to have the right", maybe?
In any case, here's the part that kind of does not add up for me:
"The very next day he told me he needed some space from me for a few weeks to help his ex wife get through this."
Remember when in '08 John McCain suspended his Presidential campaign to rush back to DC, like the Last of the Mohicans, to save the U.S Economy?
That had us wondering whether were he to be elected President, then he'd suspend his Presidency to save the U.S Economy?
Maybe I'm tainted, and seeing my own past experience in everything, but this reeks of power-play and manipulation to me. Like, during those 3 months, what were you to him? a rice cooker with a keep-warm button?
What does he plan to be doing with/speaking of with his wife in way of "being there and supporting her" that requires that you be denied communication with him?
Not only do I think that you have every right to be upset about the state of things, I think you have every right to feel insulted about the state of things.
I would therefore not bother sending him any message at all because that would just be feeding him exactly the right material to extract his 'supply' from you.
I'd block him right away convinced that "I did not see it coming. That's all. Next time, I will; and might even get some fun out of it."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2024): Forgive me if I sound naive compared to the other readers, but I think he sounds quite kind and considerate. He of course knows his wife well and although the marriage wasn't working he is still considering her feelings. So he could in the long run be a good catch.
It's possible they might work it out though, so my advice is you tell him that you are going to keep your options open. Three months is a very short time and it's not an exclusive relationship. And two months separation is not long.
Try to get out with friends and live a single life. If he comes back and has started divorce proceedings then you can decide whether you still want him. Anything else will cause you anxiety.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 May 2024):
Having been in a similar situation years ago, the best advice I can give you is know your worth, hold your head high and walk away. Whether you have a "right" to be upset is neither here nor there; you ARE upset but, realistically, you should have taken things slower, considering he has only just split up with his wife. In fact, you shouldn't have got involved with him until you were sure the marriage was 100% over. He may not feel the marriage works but seeing his wife upset will still make him doubt himself. My prediction is, he WILL go back to her. Whether it lasts or not is anyone's guess. It probably won't, but he will feel he has to try.
Also, call me cynical, but are you not at all suspicious that he just had to tell his wife about you so soon into your relationship? My suspicion would be that he did it to get a reaction from her, to flaunt you in front of her, to show her what she is missing. I know you say he is the one who walked away, but that doesn't mean he has stopped trying to make the marriage work.
In your shoes I would message him that you don't want to hear from him until such time as he is divorced and emotionally stable enough to be available to participate in a new relationship. Then, if you are free, you will consider dating him. Until such time, learn the lesson and move on. He is not available.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2024):
 OP, you need to wish him well and walk away from this guy.
He is still WAY too invested in his "soon-to-be-ex-wife". He is not OVER the "looming" end of his marriage. He NEEEDS to deal with the end of his marriage and break up, move ON and be single a bit before jumping into something new.
Even if they both have known for a while that the marriage was kind of over, there is a bit of grief to deal with, there is division of assets, of "things" and to separate EMOTIONALLY from the wife. He hasn't yet. It's WAYYYYYYYY too soon for him to be dating, and guess what? You end up being the rebound and YOU end up being the one getting hurt.
They ONLY split up 2 months?!!! before he started dating you?
Way too soon.
It's nice that he cares about her feelings, but he is prioritizing HER feelings over yours (which I get, he has known her longer and have way more history with her than you, however... if you are "perhaps" his future he can't hold on to "cuddle" his past over the "future".
SHE isn't ready for this divorce. SHE wants to fix things. That isn't " the relationship wasn’t working as they weren’t a good fit and had grown apart ".
Those two need to ACTUALLY separate and be ok NOT being married.
You do NOT want to end up in the middle.
Give yourself the respect of backing off. Let him know that you won't be sitting on a shelf waiting for him to move on. If you are still single when he gets sorted out (and that could take a good while) then MAYBE, you can consider dating him again. Or not. THAT is up to you.
I would not be sidelined and sit and wait for him, I'd continue with my life but have no contact with him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2024): @Kenny has probably got it as right as it gets.
"Am I right for feeling upset that he’s putting her feelings before mine?"
I would not say that you are right for feeling upset.
I would say that you have the right to be upset about the state of things.
Yet...
How upset would you be feeling if, from the get-go, you *had* seen it coming, instead of not?
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 May 2024):
 If I am honest I think that he embarked on a new relationship way to soon, you could say in re-bound territory.
They clearly have unfinished business, and I think there is maybe still feelings there. I feel if there was no feelings there he would not be breaking away from you to help his wife get through this.
Personally I think this will take longer than 2 weeks, more like two months, or even longer. I feel if you get with him sooner you will be caught up in all the turmoil, heartache, and upset which is not good for anyone.
Him calling this break although you make not agree with this right now, could turn out to be a good thing. I think you should let him get on with it and not contact him until he contacts you.
But just be careful about getting with him to soon, re-bounds can be messy.
...............................
|
