A
female
age
41-50,
*racie
writes:I'm with my boyfriend 4 years, and 2 of these we have spent living together. We love each other very much and do consider us to have a future together. The other night my boyfriend drunkenly told me he planned on popping the question soon, and although I was happy to hear this a little part of me started to panic.The reason for this is he is quite hot headed. He works night shifts (I don't) so can be quite irritable at times, but he can flip quite easily. He will shout at me and call me awful names which always reduces me to tears. I am quite sensitive and perhaps cry too easily, however it is quite upsetting when this is happening. Something quite trivial can set him off - if I give him incorrect directions when we are driving. He never apologises for these outbursts, and if he is feeling really stubborn will quite happily ignore me for as long as it takes for me to snap him out of this (often the guts of the week).He's not a bad person and has a lot of great qualities or I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. I dont want to leave him or walk out on this relationship without attempting to make it work. But I am at the end of my tether with this behaviour and know deep down I can't marry him while he is like this. All advice would be welcome as I really want to make it work. Thanks in advance :)
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male
reader, Abacadaba  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 Talk to him. alot of people are ratty when they are tired, if he really does want to marry you, he will sort something out about the night shifts, either getting moved onto the day shifts, or moving jobs all together (youll be amazed at what people will do for the ones they love) Also, the fact he said it when he was drunk, doesnt always means he ment it (sounds bad, he may love you, but when drink is involved, pre-mature thoughts will pop into his brain) i for one, have made alot of bad desisions when i was drunk, not meaning i didnt mean them, but saying them ahead of time. Talk with him about it, i bet he doesnt like the ratty behavior anymore than you do, and if he really does love you, and you love him, you can sort it all out so it works. Good luck with everything.
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (22 August 2007):
You definitely cannot marry him if you have doubts like this. You must sit down and talk about this and he must show that he can make a long-term change and even then there is no guarantee he will remain changed after the marriage.
How often are these outbreaks? I'm surprised you even moved in with him or have stayed moved in with him this long if it is such a problem.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (21 August 2007):
 All men are on their best behavior before the marriage. This will only get worse unless it's addressed. I say go with your gut, and don't marry this guy.
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A
female
reader, icecream +, writes (21 August 2007):
Hi, sorry to hear you are having a tough time. My only advice would be to follow your gut feelings, especially when it comes to marriage.
People see marriage as a way to mask/cover up problems, and it is such a huge commitment and makes troubles in a relationship seem a lot harder and not easier as most would have you think! believe you me.
Make sure you talk through your feelings with him, my husband works shift I know just how hard it can be- for both parties (when he comes home your asleep and vice versa-not easy!!!)
Try to approach him when he's not tired, tell him how his outburst make you feel and hopefully you can talk to him about how you feel about marriage at the moment. Tell him how much you love him and point out all the good aspects of your relationship. Good Luck xxx
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A
female
reader, {*HyPa~AzN~hUnNiE~*} +, writes (21 August 2007):
 ive got the same problem (the hot headed bit not marriage bit lol) you need 2 wit down with him and speak 2 him, make him realise what he is doing is not ryt and ask him to think from his point of view. wat i did was wen my bf was in a bad mood i was being really extra nice to him, massaged him back after he came back from work and spoke to him really politely, he realised i was to kind and he shouldnt take his work stress and anger out on me, now he never does it again
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