A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm so sorry this will be a long post but I'm desperate for advice...My partner have been together 3 1/2yrs and have 2 children together. When we 1st got together,I didn't realise but he didn't work-he managed to fob me off for months,moved back in with his parents as he was living with what he told me was his ex (he lies alot)6months later I fell pregnant. I then found out that the weird phonecalls I'd been having early morning with my partner for the past few months were due to his alcohol dependence :( Throughout my pregnancy he only worked2months,battled with alcohol,went on benders,treated me badly etc-I rented a house,bought all the thing for our baby and got on my feet without his support. A few months after our daughter was born he suddenly stopped drinking and things were perfect.Our2nd daughter was conceived and 2months after he got a job!He is now training to be a chef, but has gone from 1 extreme to another! He left his 1st cheffing job in April to take up a position in a prestigious hotel in our area (he's doing so well!)but as he doesnt drive he had to move out...I work full time,look after our children all by myself and he's miserable and unloving and unwilling to be a family player when he's home due to tiredness. Since moving out and despite promising faithfully at the start of the relationship he never would, he's began smoking cannabis,but not just occassionally,every night - he has an addictive personality (was a heavy pot smoker in his early 20's - now 30) and he says I try2control him - I only do this as whenever I dont watch him he falls"off the wagon" Whenever he's not at home he acts like a single man! Although I KNOW he'd never cheat (thats not in question at all)His work expects 55-60hr wks for £200 a wk!!! He obliges and puts his job 1st! I've put up with so much from him! He's been mentally abusive and puts me down all the time.I feel at the end of my tether! They're his children too but I feel so alone. Whenever I do suggest making love he says "not tonight"coz he's always so tired :( I feel unloved and uncared for and dont no what to do :( We're always arguing and I'm existing only for my children :(ANY ADVICE WOULD BE SO GRATEFULLY RECEIVED I'M DESPERATE TO KEEP MY FAMILY TOGETHER :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2009):
 I am so sorry for your situation. Life is so unfair at times and it's obvious your trying your best to keep things together.
The thing is, He isn't trying at all!! and it seems there is nothing you can do about it.
We can get tied up with the most akward, lying, unfeeling, uncaring lowlifes and STILL feel love for them. It's almost like we think we deserve it. We have children and expect them to act the 'family man'. There are millions of men who are just that, true loving family guys...but there are millions more who are not!!! It seems you have fallen in love with one who is severely lacking and who just thinks about himself.
I know your heart tells you to save things...but just what are you saving??
I was married to a man who was the same. He was a liar, a gambler and a heavy drinker who ALWAYS put himself first. I also had two children with him and I tried my damndest to keep things together. It was me who invested so much in order to keep up the 'facade' of the perfect family. He couldn't have given a crap. It took me 20 years to realise it was NEVER going to work out. He was just made of the wrong kind of stuff. I felt cheated that I had loved him so deeply and yet he could treat me so badly. It was a gradual horrific realisation that I was never going to have a happy life with him...and so I divorced him.
I am not sure what path you should take as I don't know your personal circumstances but just stop and think for a moment about what he is doing to you and your children?
Lying, ignoring you, putting you down, refusing sex, mentally abusive and taking drugs??? Not exactly going to make man of the year is he?
Give yourself a reality check and try to see him for what he truly is...maybe then you can figure out what you can do.
Best of luck honey and I hope you find a solution.
Aunty Em xxx
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