A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Any advice appreciated! I met a guy about 6 weeks ago on a night out. He was really into me, asked for my number and was texting a lot. It came out that he hadn't long been dumped so I kept my distance but started to like him through spending time together. He got a bit distant about 3 weeks in, said he had jumped into things. I understood and was happy to leave it there. However, after that, he messaged saying he wanted to see me, and more or less said he freaked as his last two relationships were so intense. Since then, we have met up a couple of times and maintained contact via text. However, he is really inconsistent and its wearing me out! Literally one week he'll text constantly, then the next, I barely hear off him at all. It's so frustrating as when he's there, he's really sweet. I'm 3 years older than him, and my mum and mates think I should be upfront with him and just say I don't like his inconsistency but I don't wanna pressure him so early on! I always keep busy and never bombard him with texts. Any tips?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 Red flag. If he was so worried about entering a new relationship then why did he hit on you and flirt with you? It doesnt make sense. Id back off completely and find a real man who knows what he wants. Life is too short for this. Let him be to figure out what he wants, because this current thing isnt what you or anyone else wants. The guy is a mess. If you take him on he will leave you a mess. Take my word for it, better to let this one go.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2013):
 I would back off. If you two are intimate (as in if you are having sex) I would stop that.
Let HIM come to you, let HIM woo you, if he can't do that right now because he really shouldn't be dating, then wish him good luck and cut the contact.
Or you will end up being either an "unwilling" FWB or rebound girl.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Guys vascillate because that are looking for that girl who will put out NOW..... and the back-and-forth happens because there is one (or more) who has struck our fancy... and we have to pique her interest sufficiently that she doesn't go away... and we don't want to let her get away, if we think she is a candidate for our attentions (read: "might put out")...
I'd guess that describes what you're experiencing with this guy....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): Hi, I'm the original poster. Thanks so much for the comments, really helps me get perspective. I think my instincts are right not to pressure him, I wouldn't want to and don't feel it right. His last relationship was apparently volatile, so I don't wanna heap it on when he's healing. When he comes back from time out, he's always better for it, it's just the yoyo effect is hard as it makes me question whether he likes me or not. I was upfront at the start that I didn't wanna get in middle of things and get hurt, so does anyone think I should reiterate this if/when I hear off him? I'd be happy to go slow and be friends but I'm scared that he'll take me for granted if I'm too 'nice' about it all...
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 October 2013):
 He's really blowing hot and cold, which is a red flag. I don't think he's ready to be in a relationship to be honest.
If you're already feeling worn out by his inconistent behaviour, I'd question whether it's worth continuing dating this guy. I'm sure he is sweet, and I'm sure he likes you, but it sounds as if he doesn't want to be/ isn't able to be in a committed relationship at the moment.
You can speak to him and tell him how you feel - that isn't pressurising him, it's being honest and open. How he responds will help you decide how to proceed.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): My advice is set yourself boundaries so the week he's sending lots of texts answer as you would the second week ! Just say was busy next day how's you .. Still see him if you like him as a friend but don't take it any further than that until he at least a year out of a relationship .. My hubby and I split one time for 6 months and both of us found new partners but the pull to be together was still very strong as we did/do love each other .. The guy I was with I was upfront told him I wasn't ready n friendship was all I could commit to . My hubby on the other hand didn't and the girl was devastated .. Neither of us meant to hurt anyone .. But feelings can get involved and it becomes harder to break free .. Don't set yourself up for hurt .just see him as an added bonus to your life but don't integrate him until he has earned that right by being consistent .. Take care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): He is still going through his recovery from a breakup. Just be careful with your feelings; because he is dating on the rebound, and his feelings are fluctuating. He is still holding out hope on his old relationship in spite of what he says. He thinks he's over it; but not entirely. Maybe not at all.You are very wise to keep a level-head about all this. He really does like you, but you don't deserve the inconsistency.Telling him about it will not change anything, all it will do is let him know how you feel about it. You have to tell your heart how to handle this. Don't let yourself get too attached. It's too soon. This is where you'll be vulnerable to disappointment. Not that his ex will take him back, but the emotions that will attack him when he realizes that she won't. It's devastating. You should not be held on hold until he comes to terms that his old relationship is dead. Remain only as long as you feel you can deal with it. That's only reasonable. Let him come to you. Don't put yourself out in any way. He has to prove something to you, not the other way around.Continue dating only as long as you remain aware of possible relapses. He's vacillating from feeling single, to feeling he is still in a relationship waiting to mend. That means he may possibly still be in contact with his ex. Even if he isn't, he may be emotionalizing about the lack of contact from his ex. She may even be dating, and he's keeping tabs through social media. This accounts for times he's missing in action. He's hiding out to deal with his emotions about his breakup. Worst case scenario, trying to keep track of her. Between you and me, it's too soon. Continue dating and enjoying the time you spend together.Just keep it in mind; that this is a man who recently ended a relationship, and his feelings are still in flux.Trust not his words, judge him by his actions.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Hi. I would suggest going with your gut feelings. If you feel you don't want to pressure him so early don't say anything or pressure him. Listen to your instinct.
As you mentioned he's just come out of a relationship and he probably has so much to figure out that he is not in the right frame to fully commit to you or text you most of the time.
Don't take it personally as his breakup could have been hard for him. It may cause him to have some confusion in himself.
Keep it simple (pressure free) as you both get to know one another and perhaps (as an idea) invite him out (with a group of friends or something) so you can get to know him more as friend whilst taking it slowly, steady pace.
Goodluck!
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