A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everybody,So there is a guy who I have been dating for about about a year. We had known each other for about 3 years but never really talked. He is so sweet, kind, and understanding. He is much older than I and more intelligent. Well he is a virgin and believes in saving his virginity till marriage. The thing is I am not one and I had lost it when I was 14 because I wanted to be with the guy who I thought was going to be there for me for life. I want to be with him because our relationship feels so right but I don't know if I should tell him that I am not a virgin. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 December 2008):
Yes - if your relationship is at the point where topics like "marriage" or "life partner" are starting to appear, he needs to know you're not a virgin.
He obviously puts a high value on his own sexuality and - whether or not you fully agree with him - he needs to know where you stand. Withholding this information is disrespectful of his values. At the very least it comes down to a matter of trust. (You might consider the thread "Could there be other guys she has done this too and lied about that also?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/could-there-be-other-guys-she-has-done.html as an example where something like this disturbed a relationship YEARS after it happened.)
I agree that this makes yourself vulnerable. It's actually a chance to advance your relationship. He will probably experience some level of disappointment. There will probably be discussions about "What, exactly, does sex mean to you?" and "What sort of sexual exclusivity do we expect from each other?". There may be questions about your prior experience - who, when, why, how many times, etc. There is something to be said for answering with "the whole truth", and there is something to be said for respecting your prior partner's privacy. "I won't answer now" or even "I'll never tell" are understandable answers; a misleading or fabricated response is NOT acceptable.
Over time - even years from now - your present B/F will almost certainly wonder how he compares to the other guy. It's tempting to dismiss this with some answer like "He doesn't matter - now it's just you and me!" but that could be damaging. Better to be honest but factual: "Joe really turned me on when he kissed my neck, but I love the way you do 'spider legs'. Here, let me show you how he drove me wild."
(P.S. Spider legs - "pattes d'araignee" in French - using only your fingertips to ever-so-lightly stroke the tiny hairs on your partner's skin creates an electric and erotic effect.)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): If he wanted to date only women of a certain race, or age, or attractiveness, then nobody would get angry at him for "judging" every woman outside his list. He's not walking around telling all other women that they're bad people for these things, he's just making choices about what HE wants in a partner for HIS OWN life.
Same with virginity. He has no right to judge others for their choices in life, but he does have the right to decide they're not the person he wants to get into a relationship with. Nobody has the right to knowingly "lure him in" with a lie just long enough so it's painful to break things off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): I agree, tell him the truth. Honesty counts for a lot and you were just a kid. You say he is understanding so hopefully he will be ok about it, especially as you are going along with waiting.
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A
female
reader, confessjess +, writes (17 December 2008):
 I think you should be truthful with him. Lay your cards on the table. In the end this should be something you can overcome together, especially if you intend on refraining from sex with him until marriage. If he can not see past this, than it probably wouldn't last especially if you wait till like the night of your wedding to clue him in.
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