A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all! Hope you are doing well. Got a bit of a connundrum to deal with today and any help is appreciated.What does one do when they are more sexually experienced than their partner? My boyfriend is a virgin. I am not. We haven't had a serious sex talk. I don't think either of us wants to, as he seems a little embarassed to be 21 and still a virgin, while I don't want to come off as a slut. I was sexually active with my ex boyfriend of over a year. He and I broke up a few years ago, though. Last October, I dated a guy casually for a month and we had sex once. I regretted it immensely because it felt cheap. I quickly realized I hated sex without love. I'm clean and have been to the doctor. My sex was always protected with condoms and the pill. There is nothing awry. I just worry of the first time my current boyfriend and i have sex. I've told him that I dated my ex seriously and I think he assumes stuff went on. He's made comments about being inexperienced and such, but never specifically said anything and he has never specifically asked about me. So, I'll be his first and my boyfriend is pretty sentimental. I know it will mean a lot to him. Don't get me wrong, it will mean a lot to me. But I worry that he somehow will be expecting similar sentiments about it being my first and I won't be able to share that with him. I worry he will think less of me because I've already had sex. My friends have said that he already knows most likely and that is why he doesn't specifically ask because he really doesn't want to know about the girl he loves being intimate with others. Would your first time be cheapened if your partner had already had sex? Should I tell him or just wait til he asks? Should I not worry? Will our relationship be unbalanced?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): "Would your first time be cheapened if your partner had already had sex?"
Sorry to say it, but it will absolutely feel cheapened. This dude has waited until 21 to get laid so im reasonably certain he'd be more comfortable if you were a virgin as well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): "Would your first time be cheapened if your partner had already had sex?"
Very, cheated, and not good enough to be your first comes to mind. I waited for my partner but they didn't want to wait for me. It kind of defeats the purpose of waiting waiting for a virgin. but he most likely knows that he will never find a virgin at his age.
So he is most likely quiet about it because it upsets him greatly but there isn't anything he can do about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Speaking from Personal Experience: I dated a boy for a year and we had done thing sexually for a long time. Eventually leading to sex. We broke up and I met this wonderful new guy.
I started dating this new guy. This new boyfriend had never even been kissed when we started dating. I was his first everything. I felt the exact same way that you do. I regretted the sex before because I felt it cheapened me in some way. I told my bf about this and how I felt. He told me that it didn't matter and that it wasn't a bad thing to have loved before like that. We eventually started doing sexual things and then eventually had sex. I never had a problem with his inexperience. He learned quickly. He never had a problem with my experience either. It won't be a problem for you and your boyfriend just talk about it. If you have a problem you have to talk about it or else you just worry. Talk to him about all your feeling. He loves you he'll understand and he won't judge you.
By the way I'm still with my that boyfriend and we've been dating now for three years. ;) It'll work out
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): "Would your first time be cheapened if your partner had already had sex?"No, not if you treat him well, before, during, after, and forever after, make sure that he is special to you before you do it, and make sure that he knows you think he is special, and make sure he knows that he is the one you want to be with, and that the ones before don't matter to you now that you have found him.But, it will bother him if you don't treat him well, if you tell him about the other partners and what they were like, talk about dick size, talk about or compare techniques of different lovers, or any other number of awful things you could do, like cheating, telling him he is lousy in bed, etc. It doesn't matter if you do it now, or 2 months from now, or 10 years from now. It doesn't matter if he is the most handsome man in the world, is hung like a horse, and has the most perfect gentlest touch on earth as well that brings you to smoking hot orgasms. It is the way you treat someone that makes them feel bad, not how you treated someone else in the past.I will take issue with an earlier poster, "Them being inexperienced hasn't mattered at all (not caused a problem in the relationship or sexual wise either, if you're good in bed you're good in bed even if you're a virgin). You're probably the only one worrying."Experience matters, specifically with a partner, experience makes it much better as you get to know a person and know what they like and want and need sexually. That comes with time and practice and effort.If he is 21 and a virgin, he's probably pretty serious about sexual activity, and doesn't take it casually at all. He knows he has no experience. He more likely than not will want to please you, and will want to make it good for you as well as for himself, and won't know how to do that unless you tell him and make sure that he honestly knows what you like beforehand. Also, it is the sum total of the initial experience that makes it special for someone, not just that you are "the first". You don't have to say "that was the greatest sex ever", you just have to say that you enjoyed it and it was wonderful, and then let your actions not belie the words you have spoken (in other words, if it was "great" and you never want to do it again, he will know that it wasn't so great).Don't lie about sex, orgasms, etc. Be truthful, and learn.My first...I was 21...she was not a virgin...she was special to me...but not special at all in retrospect, and wasn't even a few weeks later, and will never ever be special again, because of her behavior afterward. I broke off the relationship...if you could even call it that. My wife's first, she was much younger at 15, he was same age or slightly younger, was terrible...not at the sexual act...it was what you would expect from two teens who didn't know what they were doing. But, he wouldn't even talk with her afterward, and he was a virgin as well so they were both "each other's firsts", and when she finally got him to talk to her after feeling awful and like she had done some terrible thing he said "it was nothing special, and there is nothing special left". Believe me, he ranks nowhere on the special list, just a painful memory, a very painful memory.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 July 2011):
 I can relate to your concerns as I was not a virgin for several of my early partners... and yet it never bothered me or concerned me.I did not think less of myself for enjoying my sexuality. OF course it was the mid 70s when there was no AIDS, birth control pills were dispensed like candy and most of us still touted about free love....NOT one male partner questioned my virginity or lack thereof....I have been with more men (and women) in my life now than I care to sit and count as has my current boyfriend.... and yet when we are alone and intimate it's like there has never been anyone else...LOVE and RESPECT yourself and others will as well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 What I don't grasp is how on earth you could think to label yourself as a slut. Show self respect first and foremost. No one has a right to judge you, so you should not judge yourself. If first times were "cheap" simply because the partner wasn't a virgin, then close to everyone on the globe would feel cheap. They don't. People don't really care. Some do care, but they will express it. I think you care more about this than he does. No one wants to hear the details of how and when and who of your sexual past, but just the same we are accepting of it. Depending on your society and culture, naturally, but I see this as a non issue. If your virginity and "purity" mattered to him he'd have dated someone else who was a virgin, and not you. Conclusion: he doesn't care. His first time will be special, but don't put too much value into the FIRST time. First experiences with sex, your first partner, the first period, that will be new, exciting, fresh and interesting. But the particular first time itself isn't MORE special than every other time you have sex. It's special when you do it with a special person, period. Just like you discovered. His first time with you, who is a special person to him, will be special. If his first time was with another virgin who he didn't particularly have feelings for, it wouldn't be special. It's not the virginity per say that makes it special. Ask him bluntly before you have sex, when you get to that point. To make it all clear and no misunderstandings. When you get to the point of talking about sex, ask him if he's had sex or if he is a virgin. Then tell him you aren't, and if he's aware. Then ask him if it bothers him. And then once you've gotten your answers, accept them without pushing it further. If he says he doesn't care, he doesn't care, and you need to stop worrying yourself.I don't think it matters to him. He's a grown man, these things rarely matter for adult people. None of the men I have been with have ever asked, or been bothered, by me not being a virgin. I've taken the virginity of 3 men in total, and another 2 only had sex one or two times prior to me (so relatively inexperienced). Them being inexperienced hasn't mattered at all (not caused a problem in the relationship or sexual wise either, if you're good in bed you're good in bed even if you're a virgin). You're probably the only one worrying.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 July 2011):
I've never been with a virgin - and it's never affected me. I don't think you need to say anything to him. I think you just need to be yourself with him and relax. There's nothing wrong here, but there will be if you both make a big deal about it.
Just relax and enjoy him. If he was paranoid of going to judge, chances are he'd have done it by now.
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