A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:He's a recovering alcoholic (2 years and 3 months, attends AA)He is separated for 2.5 years, not yet divorced, while he is paying his wife for the business they had togetherHe broke up with his girlfriend 3 months ago.I have been seeing him for a couple of weeks I guess. I first met him six months ago and liked him instantly. Didn't really see him around until a month ago at a music event, when he got my number. We click. I like him, he makes me laugh and is kind and open. We have a lot in common, and are both musicians. Nothing physical has happened yet bar affectionate hugs, and there is sexual tension in the air.Hmmm, I am not one to judge, and I know that we are all flawed. E.g my brother has bipolar but he is the loveliest man on the planet and is happily married with a wife I think of as sister.But I don't want to walk into a stupid situation here. Do you tjink it's reasonable to keep on seeing him and slowly seeing how it goes?Or would the alcoholism/(ex-) wife scenario be a red flag?Thanks
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (20 June 2014):
 My first reaction is - How does he do it? A recovering alcoholic, a wife an ex girlfriend and now you. He must have something going for him!
Good for him kicking the drink. Now he has to untangle all his baggage.
Until then don't get involved, don't be his support, his crutch.
So no, it's not reasonable to keep dating him.
Your choice though
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): I'm going to slowly reel you in.
You have a care-giver personality. I know one when I see it. I have one too. He is a man, not a rescue dog, or furrow cat you take into your life; and they're sad history matters not. People, unlike rescue pets; don't totally forget their past, and often hide things.
You'll take in strays.
You'll give him benefit of the doubt; because you're taken in by his charm and all that you see on the surface. There is a caveat.
This man is in recovery from alcohol-abuse, and still repairing collateral damage from a failed marriage that still isn't a finalized divorce. That's a disaster in progress. He is recovering and rebuilding his life. He is on his journey back to redemption.
You compared your brother and his wife. I see not even the slightest comparison. These are unrelated situations. Only as you perceive them. If I really wanted to know who and what your brother is as a person. I'd ask his wife first. The lady who lives with him. Your opinion as his sister would be more biased. You want him to be accepted and forgiven. Your brother is in a successful marriage.
We must approach these things objectively. For one thing, he broke up another relationship only three months ago, and you've been dating him only a couple of weeks. He is not yet divorced; but separated. Naturally he is going to be as sweet and charming as a priest on Sunday. This man has a very colorful past. On top of it, he's a businessman, capable of putting on a facade that would make you think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.
I think dating him at this point is risky. You sound like you're ready to attach feelings, and I just think he has too much clutter in his backyard. You don't know how well he is managing his drinking. You know only what he has told you in a past couple of weeks. I wonder why he broke-up with his last girlfriend, or why he is divorcing his wife.. If only you could hear their story.
I see lots of red-flags and just the fact he is only separated not divorced means when the divorce is in progress; there will be drama you will not need to be close to. You'll be in the fallout.
Something drove that girlfriend away, and I don't think it was because he was just too wonderful. He is a rebound-daddy; and he's on to the next girl before he's done with the last.
I can't tell you what to do. I just don't think you're equipped to deal with all that baggage without spending a lot of your time trying to fix him, and understand him. Then you'll become heavily infatuated and he can do no wrong. You'll cling because you can't let go.
I think you'd do better if you dated guys with no history of a drinking problem, divorced or single(never married), and his last breakup was a minimum of a year behind him. The odds of things working out would be sooooo much more in your favor.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 June 2014):
 Alcoholism aside, his situation with his not-yet-divorce means he has nothing to offer you, cannot make any promises, and has a lot of baggage that could be pretty dangerous to you.
If you desire a long term relationship or marriage, this isn't your guy. He may be good for casual no-strings sex with zero demands, but if you have feelings for him or could develop them, you'll get seriously hurt.
Like the other aunts have said, he's not available until his divorce is FINALIZED.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2014):
 I agree with Tisha. TOO much to take on, and too soon.
I will NEVER stop advising people to WAIT til the divorce is final to start something new. Because I simply don't believe you can totally seperate your life til the divorce is final and everything is in writing, even then the past can still be too much baggage.
I will NEVER stop advising WOMEN (especially) to NOT date men who still have a LEGAL and BINDING marriage, because 9 out of ten times (if I look at all the ladies with these problems on DC) there are TOO many unfinished issues. There is financial dependency, emotional dependency, co-dependency you-name-it-dependency.
If you aren't looking for something serious, he might be good "fun" but personally, I'd want that ink to be dry (on a divorce) first.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 I personally would wait to date a guy with this type of history until the divorce was final and he was about a year out from the last girlfriend. But that's just me. You know your limits and have some expectations. If he's sticking to being healthy then he hopefully knows his limits.
Don't get sexually intimate with him for at least 90 days.... ([there's a talk show host here in the US who has some idea that the waiting time will weed out the insincere. I think he has something there.]
Alcoholism could be a problem if he hasn't dealt with it. If he's been sober for 2 years 3 months, then he's on a pretty good path.
The divorce thing? Well, again, I'd wait to date a guy until he was truly single. Ask him to get back to you when he is.
If you are honest and he is too, you will find a way to make it happen in a healthy and positive way!
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