A
female
age
41-50,
*lisonjayne
writes:I have been dating a man for almost a year and love him with my whole heart but he drives me mad with his habits and personality and I keep wanting to break up with him on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.He has so many good points and is fantastic in the bedroom but I am beginning to think the bad outweighs the good.I seem unable to make my mind up either way though and swing from one side to the other all the time.It took me a while to find him via a dating agency and I really do love him but I also don't want to have to go through all that dating anxiety again if we split, I think this is also holding me back from making a decision.We are such different people and I don't know if it is because my standards are too high or not. I was in a previous relationship for 23 years and it wasn't perfect but I didn't have these kind of troubles with my previous partner.These are the bad things that irritate me the most...His house is messy, all the time and he freely admits it doesn't bother him at all but it really bothers me. I am not the worlds best housewife but I could not live like he does.When I think long term about living with him, I just think I would go mad and feel put upon all the time if he didn't change his ways and I had to do all the cleaning and picking up after him.He is extremely greedy and at the moment he is on a diet so it has been curbed a little bit but it really gets to me. When he eats he doesn't even look up from the plate and practically licks the plate clean, yuck.I don't know if this is common or not as I haven't come across it in my previous partner or in my son, but he literally cannot focus on more than one thing at a time, and I mean to the extreme.If he is on the phone to me and also on the computer, he cannot speak to me, its impossible for him to do so. Its the same when I am in the room and he is doing something that he needs to concentrate on, he literally does not hear me and it drives me a bit loco. I get so mad about it and really want to shout at him and say listen to what I am saying!I was in the kitchen yesterday and he was in the room but we have a hatch so you can see through, I dropped a plate and it made a terrific noise and my son was all concerned and asked if I was ok and what had happened but he didn't even look up or ask if I was ok because he was doing something on his phone and I doubt he even heard it happen, he becomes so engrossed in what he is doing. That really upset me.I have heard all the generic, men cannot multi task etc but this is to an extreme extent. He has an obsessive personality which can be a bit hard to live with at times. He is still playing and getting obsessed about games, even though he is a 44year old man. This is to a lesser extent than the other stuff though but still worth mentioning.He isn't thoughtful at all or rather he was in the beginning but isn't any longer. I have told him I don't feel loved at times and how easy it would be for him to make me feel ok by sending the odd text or email or a bunch of cheap flowers now and then and he has apologised but nothing changed at all. I mean seriously, a £2 bunch of flowers would make my day because I would know he had thought about me and that would mean the world to me. That actually upsets me when I think about his lack of care.He tells me he loves me often, daily even but sometimes I think its like a ritual and not heartfelt.The good stuff...He can be very kind. He has a good job and doesn't have any very bad habits. He doesn't smoke or drink much and as far as I know, he is faithful and I do believe that. As I said before, he is fantastic in bed and that goes a long way in a relationship but I accept its not the be all and end all. I do sometimes fear that our relationship is built on lust and if that was taken away, there wouldn't be much left.I know if I break up with him I will be devastated, probably more so than he is but I keep feeling so sad when I am with him and I also cry a lot because of my frustration.We do have a lot of fun together as well, its not all doom and gloom. I know no one can make my mind up for me but I would value your opinions x
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 April 2011):
 I don't think that a search on Internet, or our well meaning efforts, should be enough to convince you that your partner has got Asperger's syndrome. That cannot be determined outside of in depth psychiatic investigations and accurate testing. The few things you mention may be symptoms of Asperger , or also of other emotional disturbances- or just of a bad attitude :) . Nothing means particularly anything out of a whole context.
For instance, with asperger's syndrome lack of personal hygiene is observed in some cases , - and in other there is an excessive preoccupation with cleanness and neatness. The avidity in
eating MIGHT be a symptom, - but also being a finicky, picky eater that will only accept certain food textures and smells is another frequent symptom.
And the thoughtfullness ? You said he USED to be thoughful- so he made a conscious effort to please you with gifts and flowers - I doubt than an Asperger sufferer would ever be willing and able to do such effort, or would understand its point.
Don't be so quick to put on him a label with a medical condition , before he has been thoroughly evaluated. Having a name for his behaviour helps you to be more tolerant because " it's not his fault ". But personally I think this is not the point.
Even if he did not have Asperger, the way he is would not be his fault, i.e. not something he does on purpose to hurt you, but it would come from a bad upbringing, , or the circumstances of his lfe, or a bad draw of luck !
Then again, if he HAS Asperger, it's not that his behaviour can't be changed ,managed or limited . There's therapy for that.
The point is - can you decide ,regardless of the reason WHY he acts like this, what you can live with and what you absolutely cannot ?
Can you identify what is, or what would be, the real dealbreaker ?
What is it for you the most important thing for you in a relationship ? And are you getting it now ?
Everybody is different, and only you can judge what are the things that you can't do without, what's the priority in your life and relationship and if this man can fit with this priority.
Otherwise, it's not very helpful making a list of all his pros and cons, because it's an issue of quality , not quantity.
He could have dozens of good traits, and the ONE fault that absolutely you makes you miserable and not suited to live with him !
Think about it well, and as dispassionately as you can. You say that you love him, but - love is supposed to bring us wellbeing , and to better our life. Too many people live
unfulfilled, unhappy lives in the name of " love " ....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): My partner is in his 30's and I believe he has Asperger's which is a mild autism. He doesn't like to bath often, likes to eat the same food every week, doesn't pick up on body language or understand hints. He is very literal and drives me insane. It is almost as if he hasn't been fine tuned. He is socially awkward and has a sugar addiction and is prone to binge eating. Saying that he is trustworthy, loving, kind and very loyal. I treat him very well but differently to how I would anyone else. I ask him direct questions and never hint. I tell him exactly what I would like for gifts and am very literal and straight forward and this really helps. I have never experienced this in past relationships and am learning all the time. I am far from perfect myself. I get hormonal, impatient and forgetful and he puts up with my my faults. See him as the whole picture. I agree if you met someone else you would have another list of quirks to deal with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): You will never find the perfect mate, it does not exisit. If you choose to leave him and move on to someone else you will find issues with the next man in your life also.
So it boils down to this. You have to decide what you can tolerate and what you absolutely cannot tolerate.
Yes I agree some of the things you described can be a turn off. But men will always to things that annoy us to know end.
My love is a workaholic, addicted to the internet, doesnt shower as often as i would like him to!! Doesnt know the definition of quality time together and he's emotionally unavailable. Really really tough to deal with. But he's loyal, successful, not verbally or physically abusive and good in bed, that is when he does decide to do the deed. So like you I have to decide. I love him, but my need for intimacy and emotional connection is not being met.
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A
female
reader, Alisonjayne +, writes (1 April 2011):
Alisonjayne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have just done a quick search on Aspergers and I think you may be right, wow.If so, it might help our relationship and maybe will make me more tolerant of his quirks, thank you.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 It sounds like you are bottling it all up inside. Talk to him and tell him how you feel about all the things that frustrate you. If he is unwilling to compromise, good penis is not worth being miserable everywhere else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): It sounds like your man may have a mild form of Aspergers especially with the plate scenario. There are a lot of men and some women who suffer with this. They find it hard to understand other's emotions and focus on one thing at a time. Look it up online it might help a lot. Also ask him about his childhood. Does he find it hard to form friendships and is he a bit of a loner? You might find he is just a typical odd bod. It sounds like he irritates the hell out of you but I would give it time and sit him down and have a lovely gentle conversation with him pointing out directly what you would like more of and see what his reaction is. Some men just need to be told.....
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