A
female
age
41-50,
*23xyz
writes:I've been unhappy in my relationship, and have been contemplating having an emotional affair. I love spending time doing things with my boyfriend, but it always seems like I want so much more than he is able to give...we seem to be very compatible in many ways, have great chemistry and can connect well, but we just don't have intimacy in certain ways. We have talked about this at length, and the reality is that he is just very independent with few emotional needs-he doesn't need to talk or to check in with me hardly at all, whereas I tend to feel very sad and anxious if I cannot share my inner thoughts and feelings with my loved one on occasion. I am very busy most of the time, so I rarely pressure him to talk to me for more than a few minutes on the phone during the week. However, sometimes on the weekends I want to talk for a longer period of time, and he's just not into it. He says he loves me more than anyone he's ever been with, and wants me to move in with him and see if we would be compatible living together. I love spending time with him when he's present and in the moment, but he just checks out so much-there have been a lot of times where we will eat together and he won't say a word to me. I have cried and begged him to try to talk to me, but he says he is just not capable of it. I've been with him a long time, and I've tried so many ways of being happy and working with this situation, but it seems to me that the only solution is to cultivate an emotional relationship with someone else, and keep my physical and practical relationship with my boyfriend. To tell you the truth, I don't think he would care, and would be relived to have the pressure to talk off of him. I realize many people would think this is wrong or selling myself short, but is there anyone out there who has done this? In short, he's a guy, and he just doesn't need to talk to me....and I am a girl and have these emotional needs that get in the way of our happiness. Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Agree with the prior poster.Simply put, he is emotionally distant from you and that is not going to work.You start an emotional affair, and it will become physical eventually, and you will look like crap for having done it.Alternatively, you could have the emotional relationship with a female friend(s). However, since you don't mention that I'd have to assume you want that emotional "thing" with a man."I have cried and begged him to try to talk to me, but he says he is just not capable of it."Well, this is really a key issue. Perhaps, if he really loves you, he can learn and grow some in this area. Get a counselor to help you both, and if he says "no", ask him why, tell him you "want" to go to counseling and "want to stay" and "want to learn how to be together better on your end" so he doesn't think it is all "his problem".
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 October 2010):
Why an affair? Why do people always think affairs an an answer? Affairs are wrong, whatever the reason, so the moment you have an affair, you've become as bad as your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend is not providing you with the emotional support you need, then end it. He's not the guy for you. You know it. But you can't say "I'll have an affair because he's not meeting my needs", because you then become as bad as him.
You have a choice. You can either stay with this guy and accept that there is a certain emotional connection, or you can end it and find a man with whom you can share your feelings.
But don't have an affair, because when it comes out, everyone will look at you and blame you for it all. You are either in this relationship, with this guy accepting it how it is, or you need to move on. You can't have both. Make your choice
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