A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Simple to explain my situation, but don't know what to do about it.I have a partner who is a good guy I've know for 15 years and we've been together 10 years. I think he genuinely loves me, although it's never been exactly passionate and I have increasingly had my head turned by other men which has led to an affair during the last year we've been together. There are a few things which annoy me intensely and have led to me losing some respect for him - he has been very slow to address debts and he has a tendency to drink too much and act like an idiot in public. I feel resentful that the relationship has drifted because of his reluctance to sort himself out. He has however, made efforts to improve both of these issues over the last years.The problem is that I am now 35, desperate to get married, have a conventional life, a family and it is the path of least resistance to marry him and get on with things and put the hurt and resentment behind me and force myself to make it work. I am torn between wanting to do the right thing by him, the guilt of not, worried about about both my future and his and terrified that I have left it too late to meet someone else and start again and have children. I feel selfish, guilty, disillusioned and pathetic.Anyone been in a similar situation? I would appreciate your thoughts.Thankyou.
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female
reader, ritalee  +, writes (11 November 2009):
Aside from the facts you mentioned, do you still love him? Do you act like a loving couple, or are you so hurt that you are kind of roomates now? Ask yourself these questions, because depending on the answers, there could be no dillema.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (7 August 2009):
 "I feel resentful that the relationship has drifted because of his reluctance to sort himself out."
Have you sorted yourself out? Are you still having the affair?
It's not selfish to want what is best for you. If you feel that he is not best for you, move on. I doubt it is too late for you. I think that plenty of men are out there around the same age as you or alittle bit older than you are who are interested in a mature, together woman. Even though you feel closer to him, because of how long you knew him, I think that it was an intelligent, cautious move that you made not to get married too soon. You don't "owe" anyone anything. Don't marry him because you feel like you have to.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (7 August 2009):
 It is very hard for people to change their fundamental patterns. He is unlikely to improve significantly in those arrears that annoy you. Do not marry a man that you don't respect and never marry because it's the path of least resistance otherwise in 20 years time you will either be divorce or stuck in a marriage with a man that you will have come to despise. If you don't respect him now, how can you expect your children to respect him in the future?If you have been together for 10 years and he has not yet asked you to marry him then I would say that he has had his chance and you don't owe him anything. If you leave him and you explain why, then he may be forced in to growing up and becoming the man that you wish he was. If he really loves you then it is possible that, once he gets over the shock, he may take a look at his situation, fix his life and come back to get you with some more passion. If you want to give him a chance or just not feel guilty then maybe wait 4 - 6 months before you move on and find a new man - give him a little time to fix himself.
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A
male
reader, Anonymousmale1 +, writes (7 August 2009):
 To begin with you are none of the things that you described,(selfish, guilty, disillusioned or pathetic)you are a beautiful, caring, sensual intelligent woman and any man worth a grain of salt would love nothing more than to have you by his side. Please always remember that!
35 is the perfect age to find a great man, a real man, one who is settled and looking for someone just like you. Society drives me crazy by making women feel that they should be married with children by a certain age, it's all B.S.
In your 20's you were finding yourself, in your 30's you have arrived at who you are and that in itself is exactly what real men are seeking. A woman who is above playing childish games, a mature woman whom we can build a home with, have children with and who can be our best friends and lovers for the rest of our lives.
I know that you feel guilty about the premise of moving on without your current partner, however he's had plenty of time to do the right thing and look where it has gotten you.
It's time to step out and start your new life on your own. The path of least resistance is not always the right way to go. If you chose this path you will always wonder if the real man of your dreams was right around the corner and you took a different route.
As a woman, you deserve the best. You deserve a man whom will treat you as a queen. One that will love you, cherish you, talk with you about anything, one who places you above everything else and tell you that he loves you every single day for the rest of time.
He's out there somewhere, looking for you, don't make him wait any longer go meet him and begin the life of love you deserve.
I know it may seem overwhelming, but do you have another 10 years to waste?
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