A
female
age
30-35,
*utie20
writes:me and my bf are together since 8months, though i went away to university and haven't seen him for these last two months. when i was there, we used to kiss and he gave me oral too. i tried to give it to him but couldn't. he is the most amazing person, takes care of me(still), he actually tried to stop me when i was leaving for the university as he said he can't stay without me but gave in and let me go just because i wanted to. now i am going back to see him in 15 days and will stay there for about a month. he told me that he won't be able to control himself and would kiss me as soon as he sees me. i love him and love it when he tells me stuff he wants to do (sexually). he really wants to have sex with me but i say no. he has agreed to it and wants to try out stuff apart from sex. but sometimes, i start having these negative thoughts that he is using me or he will leave me when he does his stuff. i trust him but start getting confused with these matters. i know he would never cheat on me though. he has also given me commitment that he will marry me. i think it comes from partly, my parents had such a relationship when my dad cheated on my mom and she still forgave him and he cheated again. my parents used to have huge fights when i was growing up. secondly, my family is conservative where i was taught that having sex before marriage is a sin. and guys just use you. i was kept away from guys all the time. and even studied in an all girls school. so i really don't know.thirdly, my first relationship, my ex broke up with me when i refused to have sex with him. i was with him for about 2 months.i love him and don't want to think that way about him. yesterday, he told me stuff that he wants to try when i get back. and as he was telling me, these thoughts came into my mind that he is using me. i actually told him that i don't want to share a physical relation with him. he must have been crushed. please help me. i am so confused. what should i do?
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female
reader, cutie20 +, writes (21 November 2009):
cutie20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much empop, i needed to hear that. though now, my bf asks me what i want and i tell him and he agrees without any questions. but the parental pressure drives me crazy. don't know why but i am not able to confront them. not even on small things like going out or something like that. and i guess because of that, they put more pressure on me.
i don't know. i have always been a giving person. and now i realise, people take advantage of that.
A
female
reader, empop  +, writes (21 November 2009):
I think you need to figure out what *you* want. You feel pressure from your boyfriend, pressure from your parents, pressure from society, but nowhere are you really considering your own feelings.But, what do *you* want? It sounds to me, frankly, that you'd like a little physical gratification (you love it when he tells you what he wants to do with you...) However, it also sounds like you feel guilty about it. If you do decide to have sex with him, with anyone, either before or after marriage, make sure you do it for yourself. However, if you're willing to have oral sex, you can get QUITE a bit of satisfaction without needing to have penetrative intercourse if you're more comfortable with that.Anyhow, once you know what you want, just do that, be it nothing, everything, or something in the middle. And, if you do go the oral route, you should know giving a good blow job takes a little practice - don't worry if you don't get it right your first few times.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (20 November 2009):
 If you dont feel ready to have sex -then dont just wait.
If your boyfriend truly loves you he will support your decision not to have sex and not force you into it because he will want you to be happy.
Of course your upbringing will have an influence in how you view sex and your parents probably said to wait until marriage to do this because sex is special and for them marriage is committed.
Your doing nothing wrong in being cautious, when you are ready to have sex your body and mind will let you know until then dont worry, you have done the right thing by being honest with your boyfriend.
If he is good guy then he will understand and support you.
Hope this helps you,
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): Hi girl! Its perfectly alright to choose not to have sex till later, may be till you are married. And it will also save you a lot of trouble and protect you from all sorts of sexually transmitted diseases.I have had quite similar experiances to you. I also am from South Asia and our mindset about sex before marriage is different from other parts of the world. I also was well protected by my parents before I joined University. There I met my boyfriend, current husband, and he used to drive me carzy with sexual talk. I was so tempted to do things most of the time. But we came to an understanding that we will save intercourse untill we get married. But we did enjoy other things like oral sex, touching, kissing etc. It was so nice, yet so frustrating b'cos many a times we had to force ourselves not to have intercourse. Somehow we waited untill we got married just recently. I must say all that waiting was worth the happiness. Knowing you kept your virginity untill marriage gives you a lot of self respect. And knowing that you belong only to your husband is a great feeling which would do wonders to your relationship.I guess you can observe your BF's behaviour a while longer if you feel you can't trust him yet. But you should also understand that sex makes a big part of a guys mind and they don't think the same way as we do. Most often what they think of is sex, specially at your BF's age. So do not be too precautiouse, but take your decisions wisely. Listen to your inner voice, you will not go wrong. All the best!
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