A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend broke up with me on Nov.19. He said our relationship was not what he wanted and that he really does'nt know what he wants. He is 49 years old and never been married. The longest relationship was 3 years. The love this man very much, so I went over to his house so he could tell me to my face, why he wanted to end it. Maybe I was looking for closure of some kind. He was affectionate, but still a little cold. I cried as he held me and told him I loved him and then left. I called him when I got home and he was polite and did'nt hang up on me. I still really don't know what happened. I have'nt called him since. Is there anyway to keep this man in my life? He is a good man, but seems to have commitment issue's.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Move on. His loss.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 November 2010):
 I can offer one possibility, but I'd give it only a slim chance of working, so don't get your hopes up. You'd probably still be better off moving on.
Relationships are as much about economics as about romance. Guys like that, decent men who don't want to settle and choose to live in serial monogamy, do it because they see no benefit in settling - perhaps correctly. He does not owe you anything at this point.
Honestly assess what you have to offer him if he stays with you forever, that he cannot get on his own. That second part is important - he apparently is capable of getting affection, sex, companionship, and a place to live without you. He probably has sufficient income for his needs. I'm sure you can think of more.
You already know what you're getting from being with him. Honestly ask yourself, what can you offer in return? What does he want, and what are you willing to give? I don't know you, and could not say what, so you have to do that on your own. An example, though: is your companionship and affection going to be more than he can hope for elsewhere? If so, prove it to him. Call him up and ask to speak your mind. There's really nothing to lose with one more try.
Like I said, there is only a slim chance of that working - really, only if he decides he has misjudged the value of the relationship. If it does not work the first time, the only option is to gracefully let it pass. Condolences, and good luck.
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A
female
reader, MsVick +, writes (26 November 2010):
 Let him go. He told you he doesn't want to commit to a relationship and he has his reasons. Try to move on as best you can.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 November 2010):
 What a heart-breaking revelation to find out it's 'over', for him.
Your man is obviously a charmer. And i can see you are devastated by the loss of this man from your life, after you have shared so much, and he has come to mean so much to you.
Life is often not fair.
But 3 years max per lady friend? It suggests to me that this man has no intention of ever settling down.
It is sad that such a charming man has put so much effort into being affable,
agreeable and pleasant.
Yet it is his choice to remain fancy free. Free to pursue his next challenge.
Because he can.
He's done it before, and sadly he will do it again.
It's his choice.
You and i know he's missing out on so much.
But he doesn't want that 'so much'.
Perhaps he has an inbuilt sensor that starts beeping as soon as it registers that his lady friend has fallen in love with him,
and wants to settle down?
His signal to exit. Hard to accept, but it is the reality.
Don't cheapen the good memories by begging him to return.
Because new doors will open. And maybe to a man without commitment phobia.
Can you do something deliciously
indulgent? Like booking a sea cruise?
Or go along to a retreat where you can be pampered and treated like the princess?
Your confidence must be shattered.
So that needs rebuilding.
In a relationship we pour so much of our emotional energy into the relationship (think of this as withdrawals from our emotional bank).
And our partner does wonderful things, or listens, or shows he cares, and pours his emotional energy into the relationship, making you feel good ( think of this as deposits into our emotional bank)
The realisation that he has gone, that it's over, triggers a grief reaction at the loss - and temporary bankruptcy in our emotional bank.
What he has done is all about him.
His fear of commitment, his preference to never settle down. His ability is to shut down when he's decided he wants no more, and soon he expects to start a new relationship, if he's true to form.
You are still the wonderful woman he was attracted you.
You are smart enough to not just go out and look for a replacement.
Nor should you waste time pining for this good man with commitment phobia.
Instead some support for you will improve your resilence. And get you back on an even keel.
Make sure that every day in the future includes you doing something especially nice or supportive, just for you. It's not selfish to think like this.
Make a list of small, medium and bigger things you've always wanted to do, see, experience, and you choose which ones suit you.
I had to do this once. One of the things on my list was to try a new fruit i'd never tried before, once a week for 4 weeks. So it does not have to be expensive. Just something that challenges you to try something new. It's energising. And builds you confidence as you find you survive and try new things, more often.
It shakes your life up in lots of positive ways.
You can nurture the most deserving person you know.
The more positive you are the more likely you will find other lovely positive people who want to be friends with you.
You have a lot of living to do. Go forth into the world and enjoy it all.
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