A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just have a bit of a problem and would like some insight if possible! Thank you in advance.I have been I guess "casually dating" this guy for a couple months now. Whatever we actually are,we are not exclusive as far as I am aware. We have very good communication when we are together. We laugh with,and at each other (jokingly),and just seem to have a nice connection going on in my opinion. We are sexually active together and there are no problems to speak of in the bedroom. He's not selfish,and honestly is the most passionate guy I've ever met.However,his interest level has seemed to have tapered off. We have fallen into the texting trap,and this is how communication has mainly been for us. At first he texted little tidbits of his day here and there,or just silly things to start conversation. I guess I got used to hearing from him often,so when his attention level dropped I got worried. I brought this to his attention on 2 seperate occasions,and the second time I kind of was pretty much ready to move on,but he convinced me to stick around. His job requires him to work 12,or sometimes even 16 hour shifts. He is in town here for a few weeks for his job and then returns to his home town and gets a couple weeks with his children. His reasons for lack of attention was work,and then his children once he was back home. Sounds reasonable,right? Except that he always made time before,but I figured ok maybe he was extremely busy the last week or two.We got together the day after that,as he had just returned back to town the night before. And we had a VERY nice candle light dinner for two,nobody else in the restaurant except the staff. (It was not planned for it to be only the two of us,but happened by coincidence). And then just watched television together after dinner and cuddled,and eventually had great sex. My bout of neediness the day before seemded all but forgotten. He wasn't acting strange or put off by it. So it seemed everything was ok.But the next day I thought maybe I better give him some space still. So I did text him the next day just thanking him for dinner,etc. Short and sweet,plus I was extremely sick that day. I didn't initiate text with him anymore for 2 weeks or so,just to kind of feel out if he still had that interest in knowing me further or if he had lost it. He kept up initiation at first,maybe every other day or so. But then he stopped as well. I was frustrated because when he would text me,it seemed very short and like he did not have a lot to say usually. I would try to flow a conversation out of it but it usually did not happen,so I gave up. I initiated a text to him for the holidays,and he initiated one as well about a week later. I initiated another a few days after that. He was moved temporarily for work,so I did not see him again before he went back,which he is currently back home now.I am still feeling like the right thing to do is to give him space. So I have not been bothering him. The time I texted him last I made sure to sound upbeat and positive so he does not think I have lost interest. I know if I text him he will not ignore me because he has never ever done that,but sometimes he just seems so uninterested in talking to me. And I would love to call him but I feel like he is the man and should step up to that on his own if he REALLY likes me.But do you think this is the right thing to do,or should I be more bold with him? I'm not sure what is going on but I like him very much,and I don't know if I should allow myself to like him and hold out hope for something more,or if I should just tone my feelings down and have more of a neutral outlook with the whole situation. It's difficult because I feel like he is really a good guy who would not intentionally play any type of games with me,but I feel like somehow that is what is going on between the both of us. It feels like one big game,and I don't want it this way. Any advice on how I should handle this? I am pretty sure we will be seeing each other again once he returns,but somethings gotta give!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I think it simply comes down to him wanting sex and no more and you wanting more than sex, like as in a boyfriend. An LDR/FWB is about as casual and non committal as it gets. Yes, he would have stepped up and made it more had he really liked you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I think whatever this relationship was/is has expired.
If you are uncertain what it is- one this that IS certain is that you have expectations and desires of him that he is not prepared to be or fulfill.
You are there for sexual outlet only.
You want a long term relationship then NEVER start off as sex only or use sex as a means to 'get' a mans interest.
Its over- time to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Are you looking for more than he is out of this? I sense you hope it will develop into a relationship. Nothing wrong in that. However, I wonder if he sees it as just spending nice times together with few strings. If that is the case, would you be happy with that or would you rather move on. You need to decide how you are going to pitch it - give him the chance to be exclusive or be happy to have this casual arrangement or thirdly not bother with him at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): He isn't your boyfriend, he isn't going to marry you, he sees you as conveniant. There you are waiting for him, getting uptight if he doesn't contact you,he knows he's onto a good thing and it's easy to be nice,romance you once in a while.
He doesn't have to give anything really and nor do you, the arrangement you have is so casual it's not even exclusive for either of you.I would expect a text when he's in town and wants to see you, no more than that.
Get out of this situation as its now eating away at you and your self esteem. Delete his number, no explanation required, get out there and enhance your life in other ways..read new books, see new films, cook for friends ..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I think that before deciding someone is a good guy or a nice guy, he has to prove himself consistently good and nice in a variety of occasions and situations. It's very easy to be " good " once a fortnight or so, with the help also of good sex, candlelight dinners and a few drinks.
Come and have coffee with me an afternoon, and I will enchant you. Come and live with me, I can be very difficult.
Not that this guy has necessarily to be a monster. I think you just have overestimated the nature of your relationship and may have misplaced expectations. Yours is a not exclusive LDR FWB thing, and the level of communication and intimacy sounds to me more or less consistent with this type of situation. It's like , you take FWB but you want him to be attentive, involved and constant like a real b/f. That may be a problem.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I think you are giving this guy too much credit. He is never going to be much more than his occasional dalliance. He may be a nice affable guy and I am sure he appreciates how much space you give him,
But you are making it all way too easy for him to do as he pleases and pick you up and drop you when it suits him.
If his interest has started to taper off then that may only get worse. Once a man starts offering excuses the rocks are visable ahead.
Two months dating is not long.
But already after just two months he should still be very very interested if he is serious. And he should be making efforts to show even more interest if his wants a Long Term Commitmemt with you
A man who really cares and really loves a gal will waste no time increasing his interest and showing he is more and more interested. He will want to merge your experiences to aim to do more things with you, not less things.
He will want to involve you more in his life, not less.
Ask his intentions towards the relationship over the coming 12 months. And then over the coming 5 years.
If he is vague then potential problems will become more evident over the next 6 months.
Please start being a little more independant. Join a class to learn a new skill. Read a few interesting books. get thee to the Gym more often.
Do not sit home waiting for his text.
Put a higher value on you. For you do deserve more care and consideration than you are receiving now.
I read the other day of a young man who took a girl he liked on a first date to a family gatherine. Now there is sincere young man. He said he did it as he knew on meeting the girl that he would marry her. And that is exactly what he did. THAT is the kind of passionate man you deserve.
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