A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First off: I know it's impossible to judge, but PLEASE try to help me. I don't need to be punished more than I have been recently.I've fallen in love with a 39 year old man. I met him online two years ago, and we have been talking practically every single day since. It started out completely innocent. He got online every so often, we talked about what was going on in our lives and that was it. Around six months ago we started talking heavily. He told his wife that he couldn't be in that relationship anymore (not because of me -- but because the relationship had been going sour for quite some time). He's in the process of a divorce with his wife of 12 years. They have a two year old son together and I think that's what has been taking so long for him to come to terms with it. His wife is originally from Canada and will be moving back in a few months. He thinks what's best for his son is to just live in Canada with his mother and he'll get him during the summer. It keeps the divorce amicable.He comes to see me once - twice a month. It's like nothing else when I see him. I truly love him, but we've never crossed a line. The most I have done is given him a kiss on the cheek. We just hang out, spend time with each other and talk. I always look forward to it. He's the sweetest man, or seems to be, at least. I feel like if I don't add in the "seems to be" part, I'll feel too naive. :/ Here comes the issue: he has a criminal history. Without going into too much detail, he said some bad bad bad things to his daughter when she was 12 and he was charged with a felony. He just got off probation for it a couple of years ago. He says that (starting around a month or so ago) he received a phone call. The person asked for his wife, said "did you know your husband has been seeing a sixteen year old girl?" and hung up. After that he received threatening emails, texts, etc. I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was just one of his friends being a jerk off. Around two weeks ago, he started acting so off. He started saying he couldn't commit to me, nor anyone, right now. I completely understood that. But his behavior became even more erratic. He said that weekend he was going to spend time with his dad, but he wouldn't have service. I found that kind of sketch, but whatever, I was fine with it. After that weekend (on Tuesday), he said he lied about the trip. He drove five hours to meet a woman he met online to have sex and the reason he couldn't commit to me was because it turned out to be more than sex. He had real feelings for her. Well, that completely shattered my heart. I should have known better. I know what he did was a complete asshole move, but feelings don't just leave so easily, ya know? On Thursday, he finally told me that he was being "watched." THAT sounds way too sketchy for me, but it makes me feel better to believe it. He says that the cops have been watching him. My question: The cops don't sit around and try to scare people. They take action. If they knew about the things we have talked about, he would have been in trouble. But then again, I don't know too much about law enforcement. He had been desperate to buy a new phone a few weeks ago. He said, "why do you think I needed a new phone so badly?" He says we can be friends, but we can't be anything more than that. Should I believe his story? I find it completely sketchy that he said nothing about it until two days ago. Why had he not brought it up earlier? Does the story make any sense? I know I'm naive, gullible, or what have you, but please try to help me out. I need to know if his story is trash. I KNOW our relationship is wrong, forbidden, taboo, etc., but that doesn't make our (or maybe just my) feelings go away. What should I do? I know he did some really stupid things, like sleeping with another woman, but I'm willing to look past that if it was because he knew we couldn't work out for legal reasons. If his story is complete BS, I'm going to say fuck you and attempt to move on - no matter how hard it is. Thanks for your support.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Original poster, again.
I feel so naive saying this, but I really don't think he is grooming me. From the beginning he has told me that I should seek other options, he's not worth my time, & I should be looking for someone my own age. He has never once expected anything from me.
Ugh, now I feel really childish having said that. I just wish I knew what is & isn't true.
A
female
reader, LauraxLeex  +, writes (16 August 2010):
Oh Honey, Please cut all ties with this man.
You have your entire life ahead of you to meet such a nice man, and have a real relationship with, this 39 year old is just horrible.
Like you, My initial thought when you mentioned his daughter and criminal history could only be something he's done wrong Sexually or violently.
To me, it seems like he's grooming you. Before you say I'm wrong, just hear me out... This man has got so deep under your skin, you've come to a website to ask for advice. He has you so confused, almost reliant on him. This is him stripping away you confidence.
He's established a sense of trust by not doing anything sexual with you - yet.
The best of it is, This man KNOWS what he's doing with you is wrong. He was a married man of nearly 40, who - may have had a midlife crisis, and chased the first bit of skirt that - at least for him was legal.
Please just cut all ties with this man. You are worth so much more than what he is mking you feel.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (15 August 2010):
First of all, it's not "wrong" for a 39 year old man and a 16 year old girl to be attracted to each other.However, it is immensely complicated, especially in this situation. He's trying to keep his life manageable by telling you that you can only be friends. You should agree with him and keep it that way. Once you realize that, you can start forgetting about the details of every little conversation you've ever had and wondering whether each little thing was a lie or the truth. Talk online if you want to, but just don't see him any more. You're best years are still ahead--find some guys closer to your own age.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I am sorry Honey, but I agree with the others and I am not judging, but if he was monster enough to land in jail for treating his daughter that way at age twelve and you are only 16 what makes you think he wont turn on you somehow?
Especially now that he admits to driving 5hrs to meet a woman he just met online to have sex with her?
And how to you know it is the 'police' that are watching him? Maybe from his time in 'prison' he has some other 'activities' going on - and believe me - you dont want to get yourself in that mess!
It could mean your life or even jail time for you if he uses you to stash drugs or 'owes' someone.
What possible reason would a man of 37 at the time have to be-friend a 14yr old? You said you met him 2 yrs ago online.
How old is his daughter now? Is his wife the same mother of both children? That's odd if so. They have a two yr old and the daughter was 12 when he was arrested but he has only been married 12 years and some of it in jail.
I dated a man who was married and then also found out he had been a convicted felon - one of the worst things I ever did - he had such charisma - Please RUN RUN and protect yourself.
This could become dangerous so please have a safety plan and check with your local womens shelter - and please let your parents know.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I'm the original poster (not sure if it will say that I am), & he will not tell me what he said to her. I'm positive it was something sexual, though. He said the only people who know what was said are his daughter, her mother, the court/judge, & his wife.
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