A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 25 years old going on 26 and have never before dated anyone more that 4 years older than I am in the past. I recently met a man who is 38. I found out his age after I realized how interesting and intriguing he is. I do enjoy his company but the age thing scares me I don't want to fall for him and. Its not letting me move forward. I fear I'd have issues in the future....Is 12 years a big age gap and how do I Accept this change of character that I'm developing and falling for an older guy. I would like different opinions...not sure why I'm so scared to move forward. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 This tickles me! I am your age, and the age difference between myself and my fiance is also 12 years (go figure, huh?!) At first we were both terrified of the age difference, and snuck around, pretending to be friends. He has been a very close friend of my Mom's for a long time, which factored into our fears of a relationship.I realized though, that men my age are still figuring themselves out, and most of the time are too busy for something serious, don't know what they want, or are too busy still being promiscuous and partying. My fiance is ready to do what I'm ready to do: settle down and start a real life. Have kids, travel, get married (not necessarily in that order).When I realized that I felt more fulfilled with him than I ever had been in my whole life in a relationship, I forgot the age difference all together. I finally feel like I'm with my equal, and nobody thinks it's weird. Don't be afraid to fall. If it doesn't work, it could have gone that way with someone closer in age. Be optimistic- this may be the most fulfilling relationship you've ever had. Good luck!
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 I suspect you are scared of commitment with this man for reasons other than his age. Only you can decide what is holding you back - perhaps poor relationships in the past? I would say 12 years isn't a big deal...but then I would, I am a decade older than my 'toy boy' husband! Age only matters if you let it. If you were a teenager it would be a different matter, but you are in your mid-20's and have probably lived a little. He may have more life experience than you but that doesn't mean you cannot contribute equally to a happy relationship. There are lots of lonely people in the world searching for happiness with a partner. If it really is only the age holding you back then I would say you should re-think it. You are both still young adults and could spend many happy years together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): There is no right or wrong answer to this question. It depends entirely on how you are as people. If you are a very mature 26 year old, who is settled in who she is, and he is a 38 year old who doesn't patronize younger women, then I see no reason why it couldn't work. I know relationships with even wider age gaps that function superbly well!
However, the fact that you are very worried about this suggests that there may be complicating factors. Age along shouldn't be enough to give you such big reservations. Are there other facets of the gap between you with which you are dissatisfied? For instance, do you feel taken seriously by him as a partner? Does he make you feel his junior, rather than his equal? Or do you feel that he would want to settle down, but you are not ready? Try to pinpoint more exactly what it is about the age gap that concerns you - there's some insecurity or anxiety there and it's important to drill down to exactly whats bothering you. Maybe you could write an update giving more details?
Remember, there are good things about dating an older guy!! My partner and I have a smaller age gap - he's 38 and I'm 30 - but I love the fact that, as an older guy he's more settled in his career, more ambitious, more focused on what he wants. While a lot of guys my own age only seem to be interested in playing computer games and watching movies, he cares deeply about people and tries to help them in his life and work. Maybe your guy will be the same?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): in my opinion it is better if the male is a little older than the female.say 3-4 years older but 12 years is a bit much especially he is not young at 38 and could suffer from weaking of sexual powers in afew years time. but then he might not.you can never tell. older men are usually intriguing because they are more experienced and usually don't carry a chip on their shoulders anymore and know how to be cosiderate and compliment a young lady.you have to balance which you like best. Sophia loren found she was better off with a much older man.
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