A
male
age
41-50,
*nsure111
writes:I've been dating a girl for about six months now. I purposely never asked about her sexual past. However she has offered up more than enough information on her own.I cannot seem to get over her past as much as I try. I know I can't change it, I do like her a lot and she totally in love with me. Still these things haunt me almost daily. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, kingofpain +, writes (22 December 2008):
Run.. Don't walk. Make sure yout tell her that it is TOTALLY unacceptable and you hope she will instill in her daughters that men see women in two different catagories; those you use and those you marry. Find a decent womam to marry. Before you women take issue with what I am saying, ask your brother or father if what I said isn't true. Like it or not, and it may be a double standard but true to the nature of both sexes. Women aren't interested in men that other women aren't interested in(They only want what other women have). Men aren't the same and will never be truly happy with the fact that other men have had sex with their woman and will always feel hurt and resentment. Like it or not, men prefer that their wife wear white to their wedding and deserve the right to do so rather than wear white when they should wear red. From my own lying wife,it's the truth. Deal with it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): women respondents will tell you "it doesn't matter", "the past is past", "it's her business and none of yours", etc. And for the most part they're right. But that doesn't help you to fix the problem or to not feel the pain or to stop causing her pain.It does not and should not matter or be a guage of you or your relationship. It does not speak to whether you're a good guy, whether she loves you now, or anything. It really has nothing... to do... with you. Except that it's your issue. And you're in control of correcting or managing it. Some guys say time heals, and hopefully it's that easy. More likely, it sounds like you have the OCD component, which can also be managed or cured with therapy or CBT or meds. Seriously, if you want to be with this girl, get help now. If you don't get help, walk away b/c it will not go away on it's own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Actually, you SHOULD consider her past, when considering a serious relationship with her. I know this goes against what most people have said to you on here, but hear me out first...
A person's past makes them who they are today, right? So your girlfiend had been around the block, prior to having met you, right? This doesn't effect you directly, per se, but it does effect you. Here's how...
If she placed little to no value on sex, prior to having met you, odds are she won't understand what a healthy sex life is all about. Odds are she doesn't understand what real sex, the kind you have with someone you love (rather than lust after), is about. Odds are you'll be complaining about the lack of passion and/or intimacy in your sex life, later on.
So don't think about all the guys...they were just guys like you and me. Whatever, we all have our share of stories to tell. But DO think about how her past is going to effect her present and her future, namely with you. Is this someone who appreciates what sex really means, or are they stuck in some adolescent version of sex as a tool to get what they want, or sex as a way to not feel lonely?
Trust me, I speak from experience. I thought my wife's past had nothing to do with me until I realized how it adversley effected our sex life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): The past is the past, worry about the present and the future. Also it's only mental if you can worry about it you can re-program your mind to re-think the past. I know this is short BUT they've been lots and lots of threads on this topic.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (20 November 2008):
 Or try this recent thread:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-possibly-be-this-happy-after.html
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (19 November 2008):
Here are a few of the threads I've found from this year (many of which I posted replies to):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-pain-will-never-stop.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/after-7-years-of-marriage-i-find-out.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/knowing-about-her-past-makes-me-feel-inadequate.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-seem-to-get-her-past-relationships.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-lied-to-me-about-her-past.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-thinking-ther-only-way-to-accept-her.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-i-keep-thinkin-about-her-past-even.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-fiancee-told-me-things-about-her-past.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-pain-will-never-stop.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-so-insecure-jealous-like-she-saved.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-just-found-out-that-my-girlfriend-was.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-keeps-bringing-up-my-past-and-spoiling.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-stay-with-her-and-forget-about-her.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-this-extremely-strong-love-for-her.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-all-guys-put-off-by-their-girlfriends.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-obsessed-with-my-past-now-hes-broken.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-new-wife-was-not-completely-honest-about.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-says-he-cant-handle-my-past-and.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/all-i-want-to-know-is-if-you.html
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (19 November 2008):
Do a search of "her past" and "her history" on this site. There are loads and loads of threads exactly about this issue. I don't think it's easy, but think, on your dying day, will it really be worth it to look back over your life and see years spent in sadness over things that seem to mean so much, but are ultimately secondary? Yes, I'm sure that speaking of "life and death" will cause another stab of pain -- I've been there! The problem is the intense emotions that sex arouses; it takes on a vast and (maybe) overloaded significance. It is so hard to contemplate this special person doing all these things with another man. But in the end what matters is what you have with this person, the feelings you have for each other, the way your interact, the commitment that you make to each other.
If sex was like driving a car, it would be so much easier. You could think back fondly to that old jalopy that you drove when you were 17, think of a few cars you took for test drives, think of a few Mercedes you had the pleasure to drive, think of the chance you had to drive a sports car. Maybe you even had a few accidents. If your current car got jealous of the cars you've driven before you'd think it was being very unreasonable. But somehow sex has to be different. Even though it's just an act, like driving a car, because it's imbued with so much meaning and is such a personal thing, we tend to get terribly hung up about it.
Go and look at the other threads. There are some very good posts. I hope they can help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): To be quite honest what exactly has her past got to do with you? if she has a past as a black widow and has spent time in jail for doing her boyfriends in....then yes be concerned....but if its sex then that is her past and not yours. Accept it or move on, but everyone has a past of some sort, maybe a different form but a past and we all have to live with it without regret or shame. so please do not put your feelings onto her as well. If it's jealousy then that feeling BELONGS TO YOU! PAST IS PAST and your past is not hers either....stop been a wimp and learn that life is full of weird and wonderful experiences its not black and white unless its boring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): What exactly is her past?
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A
male
reader, Campbell  +, writes (18 November 2008):
 If its just that she's had a lot of sexual partners then my only advice for it would be to keep her mind on you, are you worried that her sexual past will come back to bite the both of you? Or is it just that you didn't want to hear it?
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (18 November 2008):
 I feel for you man. :(I'm in the exact same shoes that you are my friend.I don't know which is worse. Living with this pain for the rest of my life, or walking away knowing that I'll probably never find another girl who loves me this much and knowing that I caused her so much pain by leaving her just becuase of some things she did before we ever knew each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): What was it that haunts you, was she in sex industry?The fact that she told you says a lot about her. She really trusts you and she dosn't want any secrets between you. It takes a lot from a guy to appreciate it, but that what she was hoping for.Talk to someone professional how to deal with this situation, and with you thoughts. That's a tough one. There are plenty of examples that past has nothing to do with present and future. On a opposite side, some women with certain sexual experiences don't want to do it ever again. You said you like her a lot, don't give up without a fight, it sounds like it needs effort from you side to change your attidude about her past.
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