A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am nearly 49 dating a very special 51 year old woman for about eight months now. She is extremely fun, beautiful and sexy and I love all that about her and more. Early in the relationship, she admitted to me about her promiscuos past (I wondered why) but was tactful and not very detailed. However, recently on a date, she subtly brought up the subject again with a casual remark and, whether good or bad, I started to ask detailed questions. It turns out she was Very promiscuos. Over a period of 12 years during her late teens and twentys, she says she had had sex with at least 80 to 100 men, picking them up randomly at bars one weekend after the other. She had an occasional long term relationship during this time and was married for a short time also. Now, I actually told her that I wasn't upset with her at all and that I (loving sex as much as I do) would have done the same thing. However, I found myself feeling smaller and less important the more details I heard. And if that wasn't enough, I was extremely hurt when she admitted that, if she had met me during this time, she would not have been interested. When I asked why, she said it was because of the gaps in my front teeth. I think this is the part that was the hardest to hear and now I can't stop being haunted by it. I'm having a real difficult time accepting this and would love some advice or just some statements to let me know that I'm not over reacting. I really do love this woman and I don't want this creeping up all the time. Can you help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): I think she's just trying to show you her priorities have changed as she has matured. She was shallow and liked a good time back in the day, now she looks for more.
Thing is she is with you, but you don't have to be grateful! You love her so you either accept her as she is - or not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): that was quite shallow and perhaps not a very nice thing to say but it sounds as if she was honest and i think that speaks volumes. If she cared about you or respected you less, she might've just lied, but she didn't and I think that means a lot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): Everywhere you go theres someone who's had her. All she can think about is your teeth yet she had that many she wont even remember all their teeth. She wont even know if she had your brother or not. Get someone less shameful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate all of your insight. And your interpretations of the situation and "best guesses" of how she was thinking, both then and now, were inspiring. Thank all of you!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 The truth of the matter is that no one really knows whether the lady meant to say that she settled for the poster, or if wisdom has caught up with her and now she is with someone whose virtues she wouldn't have noticed before.
The truth of the matter is, this is the situation the poster has before him: A lady whose past he wouldn't have approved, who said she wouldn't have dated him in the past because of his teeth. That is for the bad part. The good parts, only he knows. He has to put both things on a balance and make his decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): Maybe she was just trying to emphasise how silly and shallow she was back in the day. And the remark that she wouldnt have dated you because of the gaps between your teeth was just a poorly chosen example. At the end of the day, she is with you, not any of the other guys who didnt have gaps between their teeth. All due respect to them but its possible some dont even have their own teeth by now! Get my drift? It was all so long ago that you shouldnt let it bother you too much. It might be an idea not to ask too many questions if you cant handle the answers. Just enjoy the moment and dont dwell too long on yesteryear! Maybe tell her that too if she keeps bringing up her past.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 March 2012):
 You started asking for details. That's a pandora's box that is best left closed, for the reasons you're discovering now. But, sadly, what you learned can't be forgotten.
She was tactless and cruel to make that comment about your teeth. My guess is that she did it because she was feeling interrogated by you: her behaviour was probably attached to a time when she felt insecure. Your detailed questions would feel like a personal attack in a sense, as well as reminding her of these insecurities. In other words, she probably felt 'smaller and less important'. In that situation, it's quite natural for her to lash out and make you feel the same way. Not intentionally, but as a natural unconscious defence mechanism.
Either way, put this in perspective. She is with you know. What she is describing is ancient history. So long ago that it may as well have happened to different people. You are not the same person you were as a teenager. Neither is she. I would focus on this idea as a way of reminding yourself that it's so long ago that it is meaningless.
You can learn to ignore these negative feelings creeping up on you. When you feel them coming, distract yourself with something else. It's not easy, but 'change the subject in your mind' as firmly as you can. There'll be a part of you that believes that by thinking about it you can make it better. The reality is: you cannot. The less you think about it the better, so don't let yourself do it.
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A
female
reader, AuntieRI-RI  +, writes (25 March 2012):
People should never feel like they aren't good enough, being like she was may be the reason. She may also be lying because she didn't want someone with a heart (as you seem so tender) to love her. She wanted the fun and the sex, the rough stuff that no-one else can say anything about. But yeah..usually it's just about the past. And the past should always remain just that. The past. - Erina. 3
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (25 March 2012):
 With age, comes wisdom. Young people can be very judgemental, and picky too! As you grow older, what you are looking for changes. ou have been together a fair while now, it is clear she is interested in you.
I would however mention that you were a bit offended by what she said. Just don't make the mistake of asking what she sees in you now. It puts us in a very awkward position! I was asked that before, and despite being very fond of the guy I could not put it into words, and he thought I was not interested. (Not true).
Perhaps suggest that the subject of her past is a difficult one for you. You are old enough and ugly enough (in a polite way of course) to be able to speak your mind now. And this relationship wont work if you carry on feeling the way you do.
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