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male
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*ake
writes: I've been dating a girl for a few months now and it's gotten fairly serious. I know she's special cuz it's been over 8 years since I've felt so strongly about somone. I was single and loving it for years but she changed all that. And it's cool.The only problem is that due to an abusive childhood, she ended up around bad influences and did things that really trouble me. To name a few, she attended an orgy (2 guys she says) and for two years did a lot of drugs. One slight comfort is that she claims her abusive boyfriend made her go to the orgy and participate. It's not great, but at least I know she didn't go cuz she loved multiple partners. And I do believe she's grown out of that phase and has started a new, clean life.I understand she got caught up in these things because she lacked proper guidance and had no fun growing up. The psychology makes sense to me, but I can't get these images out of my head. From time to time, I envision her popping pills, doing lines of coke, and being shared sexually by two guys.I'm choosing to stay with her and deal with her past, but if this relationship continues, I will need some help in accepting her past and putting an end to the discomfort it causes me.Any suggestions to get started? So far, I'm thinking hypnosis. Sounds a bit extreme, but I need to be okay with her past because I really do love the girl. Simply telling me to either break up or get over it ain't gonna do the trick.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): I agree with the last post.I remember a girl I was sleeping with very often,even wild sex and then i wasnt that interested because it was always there,she wanted to do it more than me. After we stopped seeing each other I ran into her 6months later...she looked like a super model..i felt like a 15 year old on viagra,but she had a boyfriend..i couldnt believe that this woman use to walk around my house nude and i could have sex it her whenever I wanted.You got the girl now..the orgy she had nobody remembers(but you)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is one of the hardest issues for men and trust me you will not get over it quickly. I read a paper on this subject and the problem is it seems that men feel that other men are sitting around talking about how they banged this whore in a 3some. We feel that she is not viewed as high anymore in the eyes of yourself and other men(but this is wrong..they would love to do it again with her) . The study said the problem comes up in our minds when we think that the other men are bragging about what they did with your present girlfriend and this lowers her value in your eyes. the solution and it is not a quick one is to remember the world has changed..women now sleep with men and brag about it to their girlfriends all the time. Alot of American Men are still caught up in the 1950'.In Europe most people have experimented with multiple partners, it is really no big deal out there. Women are pursuing sex,taking the lead,telling men they suck in bed,can't give them an orgasm or that they come to soon..and so on. I work in a very professional office and I tell you women are banging who ever they want when they want.Change your thinking! she did what she wanted to do,she wasnt a victim..she had her experiences and you had yours.Now *This is the key of the study* right here( if the 2 guys who slept with her saw her today they would be jealous of you for having her and they can't. Men want what they can't have and you have the girl..The study showed they would love to have another 3some with her but now she is all yours.Yesterdays orgasms do nothing for your horniness today. The study from France showed that when a women leaves a man or stops giving him sex,the man has the sexual desire for the women as if he had never had sex with her before.It shows that men need to pursue women to really be turned on,there must be a challenge.So picture this..she runs into her ex,she is looking incredible and sexy on the street..she says hi...smiles..then walks away sexy as he tries to pursue but now she is yours and he is drooling over her...the memory of the 3some wont help me now. I hope this helps
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reader, Yos  +, writes (1 June 2006):
 I have been in a similar situation, and fortunately the final outcome was good. Based on my experience I have a few tips, although your situation may be different and they may not work for you:
- Understand that this is YOUR ISSUE and ONLY your issue. This is very hard to do. It is easy to say to yourself "I have issues because of what she has done in the past". This is actually just tricking yourself into still making it her issue. You have to say to yourself "This is my issue, and my issue alone. Only a change within myself can overcome this". If you fail to do this then the chances are that your girlfriend will feel you are blaming her for you feelings, and your relationship will get damaged and eventually she will leave you.
- Understanding why she did it is very important. It seems you have done this, and that it is helping you cope. The more empathy you can have the better. For me, reading my girlfriends diary written at the time changed everything (after a lot of crying).
- Understand that men are genetically programmed to have difficulties committing to women we perceive as 'whores' (strong word). Google the 'virgin whore complex' or 'madonna whore complex' to find out more about this. It's genetic programming. These images of your girlfriends' past are tapping directly into this: it is your subconscious warning you that she is sexually not to be trusted, and that she shouldn't be committed to in a relationship. Understanding that this is where your feelings are coming from can be helpful. Also know that whilst this is how you are programmed, this is not how you have to behave. As humans we have the capacity to challenge ourselves and change our perceptions. Our animal nature is a powerful influence on our behaviour, but we can be much more if we choose to be.
- The emotion you are experiencing is jealousy. Jealousy can be like a form of temporary insanity. When it hits you (such as when these images enter your mind), it twists our minds into coming up with what feel like logical ideas and actions, but these are actually irrational and false. In the moment the feelings you have seem based on reality, but they are actually based on subconscious fears, insecurities, and your programming and conditioning. If you can remind yourself of this when you feel the jealousy rising up, it can help you to step outside of your thoughts and see them for what they really are. This can be a very powerful way to deal with these emotions. You see them and feel them as before, but at the same time you see them and feel them as a trap or trick. They lose their power over you.
- Some kind of personal mantra that you can repeat to yourself in bad moments can help a lot. My jealousy was triggered through fear of infidelity, so I came up with this for myself: "I love her, she loves me, she will always stay faithful to me, she is my girl". Repeating this to myself helps fend off the images and negative emotions coming from the jealous reaction.
Believe me when I say that it is possible to overcome this, and in a way where your relationship can be stronger and closer as a result. What it takes is total honesty with yourself, and especially the ability for you to see it as truly your issue and not project it onto her. Good luck. I know how it feels, and especially how it can feel like there is no way out. It is possible to overcome this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): Maybe a hypnotherapist will work, otherwise, does it give you strength whenever you think of her past to remind yourself that there are recents why she did it; an abusive childhood, etc? I think this is what a therapist will help you concentrate on any how. I think this insight (that you already seem to have) is the key to getting through this.
I know it feels horrible thinking of her with two people, and I don't know if this thought experiment will help, but imagine if you had been with two people in your past, and your girlfriend was upset thinking about it... how would you feel or deal with it? I mean, you'd want to help her out, but you would know it's in the past and that it's not something you want her to judge you for - you want to be treated based on how you are SINCE you met her.
You sound like a caring person and good for this girl, and I hope you can manage to sort out your difficulties because I'm sure it'll pay off if you do. Good luck Jake!
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reader, miss nade +, writes (1 June 2006):
 p />It sounds like you have met someone really special, and the fact that she was honest enough to share her past with you, means that she must trust you. Her past experiences have made her the person she is and you if you love her then you have to accept that it is in the past and can’t be changed.Try writing your visions down on a white piece of paper using the most descriptive language you can, then burn it … This will may help as it is an action when you are in a situation which you have no control over.`Keep the lines of the communication open with love and support human beings are capable of anything.With love Miss Nade
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): Does your girlfriend realise how her past has affected you? Perhaps the answer lies in talking to her more....
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): I feel like i am in your situation as well. I have been trying to get over my boyfriends mistakes, and it is definately hard. But essentially, do you want to leave her for what shes done, or stay with her for what she could be? i know the answer isn't that easy, because i am still thinking about it on my end. I would suggest getting to know her better, and observe how she reacts to situations similar to the ones she had been thru before. You should get an answer there.
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