A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I moved across the country to move in with my best friend of 4 years after we had lost touch for about 2 years, then met up again and fell in love. I had always been physically attracted to her as long as I've known her. I don't think she had been, but when we met up again she definitely wanted me. We've been living together for almost a year now and most of the time our sex has been sporadic at best. Her general passion for me has been steadily less than mine for her. We moved in together without any real "courting" period, but with a history of a real strong friendship. Can this work? It seems like it should. Can the friendship be getting in the way of that "relationship-e" gushiness that I feel I'm missing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): You are not dedicating much time to the relationship, it seems. It would be a bearable situation if you were willing to understand each other's different priorities and reach small compromises, which in brief is reached through communication. You do not know if she is as displeased as you are with the situation and what conditions she would need, to comply with yours. This is actually it, she should healthily do as she pleases, not comply. The small details as prolongued eye contact beautifully emphasized by Maverick would rather suit the purpose of a relationship that upkeeps what has got, I'd be tempted to say, whereas you do not seem to be sure what you have, what you can count on. Again, "innovation through communication," best solution.
A
male
reader, maverick  +, writes (27 January 2008):
 Hello again mate,
Hopefully you are feeling a bit better about your situation. Since you asked about building intimacy, there are other things you can do.
One of the most drastic but probably most helpful - and scariest things for you both would be for both of you to start from scratch. Yep, start dating each other. See each other less often (difficult if you live together) and she's already busy living her life and you should do too.
Make free time, and chose to spend it one-on-one doing something. Not just sitting infront of a DVD but like going out to a comedy club, fly a kite, volunteer something, or something else - not expensive just somewhere where you two can go out and create new romantic memories. Go to a museum, make fun of that mutilated abstract sculpture that's work more than most people home. Concentrate on being the king of fun and thoughtful guy that you would want around if you were going on a very long road trip. Its nice to have someone look after the car, but its better to have someone who will help you enjoy the ride - think of that as how a long-term relationship should be.
On the occasions you do spend time together, make her feel special. Let her be the centre of attention and let her say more in conversations and genuinely take an interest in her life... If she says something like "I'm so fed up with the singing" you could respond with, "Well, how about we go to a museum this weekend so we can all give a ears a rest?" A funny tease but definately worth a try.
Feel free to make prolonged eye contact with her - and make sure you're in a good mood when you do, or else you'll look intimidating instead of loving. Also touch her - no, not that way. Not even sexually.
Try something simple fisrts like, using the back of your hand and gently nudge against her upper arm whenever you want to get her attention. Slocuh next to her when your sitting down. In cafes and other places feel free to let you leg gently knock into hers. Eventually you should be finding yourselves very physically intimate. I would seriously recommentd a book on Seduction or Body Language to help you out though as its too much for me to write here.
And finally, through out this whole "dating" process you will get to see if you are really suitable for each other or not. That's why I said this was scary mate - you may end up realising that this w3asn't ever going to work.
Good luck mate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the great responses! Indeed, I think the problem is building intimacy above and beyond our friendship. Maverick, I do find that our routine is pretty routine. And I do fall in to that second category some times. Any more suggestions on how to handle it would be greatly appreciated. Bitterblue, she does seem to be stressed allot of the time. In fact we have sex about once a month, and that is usually when she is on her period. I don't think she is putting as much thought in to this relationship as I am. She understandably has allot going on. She is a musician and a singer, and has told me a few times that the music stuff is what she is going to pursue at all other costs. And so I have to wonder how I can judge if I have done enough on my part. Or How long is to long to wait to see if things will change. It's been almost a year and not much has changed at all. Am I just delaying the inevitable? What other steps can I take to try and bring her closer to me? To be more attracted to me? I have my own things going on, my own career path and my own passions, but she is one of them. I feel the unbalance around here allot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): If she "definitely wanted" you, then can you analyse how you have been treating your relation hitherto and how it was helped to flourish from YOUR behalf? If there is no gratifying answer you can find in your own actions, then talking upfront may be the solution, asking her how she finds this transition, for example. How did you go from friends to lovers? Fact you shared this strong friendship is an indicator of your closeness, before the actual passage to this present stage of your relationship, thus you should be able to communicate and express your concerns freely. The "courtship" period and all the famous strategies it implies were not practised between you as there was no reason to "advertise" each other, or be persuasive. In this STRICT sense, courtship was unnecessary for you two. In the sense of making one feel wanted and cared for nevertheless, courtship becomes important throughout the WHOLE relationship. It's also possible your notice could mean different rhythms, conceptions etc. Have you, as friends, discussed about each other's view of relationships? It could be the change from one stage to another was rather sudden for her, depending on how adaptable she is. The friendship would be "getting in the way" of your relationship solely if she feels your relationship to be an "advanced" friendship, one brought at a higher level. Have you also discussed your previous relationships, as this could give you a better understanding of her views on the matter: your idea of "incentive" may not coincide with hers. Your thoughts can be purely a supposition, whilst in reality the reasons of faded passion embed a whole spectrum of factors, varying from stress from work or a sense of inadequacy brought by an unexpected change, however wanted. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (25 January 2008):
Hello there,
Firstly in response to your point about best friends becoming long-term lovers, yes. BUT, you cannot carry on being a friend. You say you skipped on a courting period which is ok but you have to be intimate now. And I do mean romantic, romantic
Chances are you are together for the closeness and rapport you two have. Which is great for both freinds and lovers but can I ask if you have an active intimate side?
How often do you suggest somehwere to go/do at really random intervals?
Are you playful with her and tease everynow and again?
Do you encourage her to do new and scary stuff all by herself?
Take a bold stance on something that you know will probably get her to kcik your a**?
Are you happy to wrap your arms around her waist, then squeeze her butt and blame her?
Drag her out to stuff you want to do?
Are you cool with arguing about random (and funny) stuff?
Or do you:
Always ask how are feeling? Are you ok?
Do the same things week in/week out?
Always looking after her, even though she can do stuff herself?
Buy odd bits and trinkets for her?
Recycle old jokes and memories?
There is a lot to being intimate, but it is stuff you can learn - and you will have to get into happy loving relationship with anyone.
I had this problem in High school. I went out with my best-girl-mate. But we didn't last long as I was still behaving as her mate without any intimacy!? Deep down she must've thought I was going to bust into my intimate side at some point but I didn't get it until it was too late :o(
Good luck in trying to build the intimacy.
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