A
male
age
41-50,
*r Confused
writes:I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, 6 months of that we have been living together. I met her when I arrived in Australia and quickly became good friends. After two months of dating I was offered a good job in a different state which I took and hence moved away. We said we would just see how things went, one day at a time. As it happened we spoke to each other every day and saw each other every few wks. Obviously that got expensive with flights etc, after many conversations she decided to pack her job up, leave her friends and come and live with me. We were both very excited and felt totally in love.Since living together we have had many arguments about the stupidest things. She gets very angry at times and takes it out on me. The supermarket is too busy, I’ve put something in the shopping trolley she doesn’t want. I’ve used the last of the her shower gel and never asked first. She broke her car mirror reversing out, I got the blame as the place we live is shite. She has put weight on cus I eat big meals and shes been doing the same since moving. The weather is shite, she hates her job, no one talks to her at work. She doesn’t know where anything is…and so on…I always try and comfort her and listen to what she is saying. I'm an easy going guy and would do anything to try and make her happy. The trouble I find is I sometimes take it personal, when it goes on and on I get angry and argue back. What I've found myself doing now is tip towing around her to avoid an argument. That can't be good can it?The only time she is good is when things are going her way and she is in control of the situation. She's told me that. We spent Xmas with her family and that was great. I went to see her family overseas and that was great. We eat out and have a nice meal, that's sometimes ok. I guess we fall out or I feel her in a grump once a wk.Anyway…My Mum came to stay with us for a few wks. She lives the other side of the world and I was very excited about seeing her. The first time in over a yr. In the first few days everything seemed fine. I took a few days off work and we went shopping etc, normal things. After that I felt the digs from my girlfriend, all the time about stupid things. Dig after dig about the smallest things. The house was unconfutable and I was trying so hard not to retaliate and argue with her in front of my Mum. Anyway, it continued, at my birthday party in front of friends. After a meal out, she started on me at home. In the end we were arguing in front of my Mum. It didn’t stop, she told me she was jealous that we were talking about things she knew nothing about, and the fact I wasn’t paying her enough attention. When a group of my friend came out to meet my Mum, she got jealous and attacked me in the street because one of my girlfriend was chatting to my Mum and she felt she couldn't do that. I guess she felt pushed out and embarrassed after everything!Obviously I was upset and angry and told her where to go…that following morning we started arguing again and she punched me in the face, quite hard. She looked shocked and said sorry; I couldn't beleive how bad it had got! To make things worse my Mum heard it all and left the house crying, she has gone to stay at my uncle’s house for the time being. Thats made me feel even worse. It's so bad right now!That morning everything calmed down, my girlfiend said she was sorry and said she adnmits to needing help, counselling maybe. She said everything has got on top of her and my mum being there pushed her over the edge to uncontrolable behavour. She said after the first argument she felt embarrassed in font of my Mum and that made things even worse for her. Everything esculated from there on. Anyway, I’ve thought long and hard about this one and I feel I deserve better in my life. I'm very upset and confused about the whole situation. She has told me she will get help and that she loves me. I'm not sure that is enough. Will she change? Saying that I do love her and feel I’m letting her down if I walk away, especially with her moving states and giving everything up for me. She is now making me feel guilty and throwing that in my face.Tell me, am I making a mistake leaving her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): Thank you for updating us on the situation. It's very rare for someone in you position to tell those who gave advice what eventually happened. I'm glad you were able to start moving on with your life.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 "She made a habit of calling people all the time and talking loud so I could here, she talked about what she had been up to, laughing and joking as if nothing had happened. I hated every second of it. Everything she said, did was all to hurt me and most of the time did"
She knows exactly what she's doing and is trying to make you jealous. Sort of trying to show you how she's got friends and people want her.
I had the same thing with my EX who was emotionally abusive. At the end of the day it's an act for your benefit.
When I look back at the few times I've bumped into my EX since the split the acting up is so obvious it's actually quite funny. I simply ignored it and from what I've heard she actually HATES me now even though I've done nothing bad... I simply won't play stupid games with an EX whom I had no choice but to leave for my own sake.
"... she seemed so strong and emotionless to everything"
Hmmmm... "SEEMED" is the key word there... She really isn't though believe me. Inside she is hurting and this is her way of getting back at you for leaving her.
"She has told me she will get help and that she loves me. I'm not sure that is enough. Will she change?"
To be honest, if she says she will get help because she doesn't want to lose you, then I think it is unlikely she'll be successful. She has to WANT to get help for herself... Not for anybody else.
Having said this, sometimes it takes someting major to happen for people to realise and do something. Maybe, this is it? Maybe she really has realised and wants to change?
If you are torn, you can always give each other some space and see if she keeps it up. Just be there and support her but at a safe distance. If she does appear to be keeping it up and making some progress then you can re-assess the situation every few months. In this case I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is how long are you prepared to wait and see?
"Saying that I do love her and feel I’m letting her down if I walk away, especially with her moving states and giving everything up for me. She is now making me feel guilty and throwing that in my face"
Well boo hoo. I'm sorry but it was her choice to move and be with you and there's always a risk things might not work out. SHe can't blame you for the fact you are doubting the realtionship due to HER behaviour.
She's making you feel guilty and throwing these things in your face to get back at you. I think, and this might sound a bit strong, she's trying to sort of manipulate you into staying with her.
Personally, from everything you've said in your original post and your update I'd walk away.
At the end of the day though it is your choice - best of luck!
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male
reader, Mr Confused +, writes (2 March 2008):
Mr Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,Well it's been a really tuff and emotional past few wk's for me. I thought I'd write a quick message to let you know how I have been getting on.She has now left on gone back to where she was previously living, before then we had to live together for about two wk's, then she moved to a friends for another two wk's but still in the same town. The time she was living with me was hell, she was going out and not coming back until the following morning, god only know where she was staying! She made a habit of calling people all the time and talking loud so I could here, she talked about what she had been up to, laughing and joking as if nothing had happened. I hated every second of it. Everything she said, did was all to hurt me and most of the time did, she seemed so strong and emotionless to everything. After she moved out and went to her friends I had little contact with her. She was staying with my best mate’s girlfriend which almost made things difficult. I did get to hear that she went back with a random guy one night and never came back home till the following morning, god that was painful, how could she do that so soon after breaking up, what a bitch! Well very long story short, I'm feeling much better, the pains only there when I really think about it. I've been keeping myself busy at work and seeing lots of my friends who have been great. In fact and to be honest, I guess I've been hitting it hard and burning the candles at both ends, not eating right and so on. But I’m ready to start moving on and getting back on track.I feel that she is out of my life and I don't think there's anything left she can hurt me with. I believe she has already been with some random guy and that to me say's everything about who she is and what she's like, I know I'm better off without her.It still hurts but I'm getting there. I'm really going to try and get back into a routine again, start back at the gym and start eating healthy. I'm also going to start a sailing course, something I've always wanted to do.Well good luck to all and thanks for your efforts and support.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): This is the point where you really gotta be strong. Her saying it "isn't all her fault" is a simple copout. The person she talked to is probably her best friend. The abusive things you wrote about: jealousy, hitting & I'm sure plenty of verbal abuse. These are the reasons your leaving her & they are NOT YOUR FAULT. The things that make her lash out are signs of insecurity. By saying it's your fault she's saying it's your job to "walk on eggshells" in order to make her feel secure. When in fact it is HER that needs to work on not feeling so threatened or upset. But she won't EVER do that until she can admit that its HER that needs to change instead of other people. It isn't your fault & its for her own good that you make her see that it's her irrational behavior that hurt your relationship & will hurt future relationships. WARNING: could get ugly. So wait until she's moved out. Until then don't fall for her kindness. She is probably doing it to get you back or to make you regret dumping her. Use it as a sign that you work better as friends.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (29 January 2008):
Be strong... Likely it will go back to the way it was. I must've broke up with my EX about 6 times and always went back for more... Last time was the last - no games, no messing.
Your choice at the end of the day though and I wish you the best of luck no matter what.
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reader, Mr Confused +, writes (29 January 2008):
Mr Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have come to an arrangement where we will be living together for two wk's then she will be moving out to live with a friend for a while. Already I'm finding it hard, not because she is being horrible, the opposite, she is being really nice, she's playing that card! It does make you think, have I made the right decision and so on! The strangest thing and maybe the most interesting is its like nothing has happened. She told me she has spoken to someone, she is very positive about the fact its not all her fault.
That really made me think again and I believe that if I was to go back, I would end up in the same place very quickly. She already thinks everything is ok. I said to her do you actually realise we ended up somehow in an abusive relationship. She said, it wasn’t like that at all!!
I am going to stick with my decision, maybe I should look at it as a blessing in disguise that she is being nice at this point, better her being nice than nasty.
Thank you anon_e_mouse for the link, I'll will have a read because I've got a feeling I too am going to find this hard to get through!
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (29 January 2008):
Good for you Mr Confused.
I was in a similar situation and broke up with my EX who sounds very similar to what you went through.
Here are some tips as to what helped me through the tough time after I left her:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
It might help :)
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male
reader, Mr Confused +, writes (29 January 2008):
Mr Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to thank everyone for their advice and opinions. I thought long and hard this wk-end and made my decision to end the relationship. I really beleive I deserve better and know if I continued with the relationship it would be very difficult, and probably get worse. I've lost my respect for her and can't ever see me looking at her in the same light. She's hurt me and my family too much to go back for more.
In the end I managed to make a decision on my own, before reading all your replies. However, a little reassurance goes has really help me. It's a horriible situation for anyone to be in, as hard as it is though, I'm now going through the break up part, It's really hard right now but I know I'll be much happier in the future. I'm already looking forward to doing my own things without having a worry in the world! Maybe one day I'll meet someone who will care and love me the same way as I will love them.
I'll let you know my progress! If there are any readers from Sydney, let me know!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): There's no question you should get out of this. Let me tell you I'm dating a girl whose just like your girlfriend. It's good that she's willing to get help but trust me it probably won't work. Abusers like my girlfriend find it extremely difficult to fault themselves for their irrational behavior. They blame everyone else for their actions & get extremely angry & defensive when someone tries to put the blame on them. Most importantly THEY CAN'T CONTROL THEMSELVES WHEN THEY GET ANGRY! Meaning all that stuff they say like "I know I should get help" goes out the window when they get mad. What makes it so bad is that they get mad so easily + tend to have extreme reactions to small things. The verbal & occasional physical abuse will not stop. My girl is always generous when I'm in her "box" of comfort. But crossing her even a little (like staying at my own apartment for one night b/c of my work) causes her to go ballistic! That's not love. If she can only be with you if you act EXACTLY to make her feel comfortable you have to get out. It sounds like she doesn't care about your feelings.. just about how you make her feel. Someone like that will cheat on you in a heartbeat if it'll make them feel better. Don't listen to what she says. You are NOT an @ssh*le for leaving her. You have to get out before you do something stupid like get her pregnant (like I did).
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): You shouldn't feel guilty about anything. She chose to move in with you, she chose to take out her frustrations on you, and worst of all she chose to hit you. That last choice is unacceptable. As soon as she did that you should have called the police. Abusers rarely change and if they do it's for the worse which seems to have happened here. She was emotionally abusive for awhile then she escalated to physical abuse. If you stay with her she will not experience any negative consequences for what she did to you and her abuse will continue.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 January 2008):
I agree you need to stand your ground sometimes and not let her manipulate you. Spending your life walking around on eggshells in order to avoid an argument is NOT the solution and yes, I agree with other replies here, it'll only get worse.
Her behaviour is definitely NOT acceptable.
It's a good sign "she was sorry and said she adnmits to needing help, counselling maybe". People DO change but only if THEY REALLY want to. In order to change the person must put the work and effort in to do so. For them to do that THEY have to feel putting that effort and work in is better than carrying on as things are.
I would encourage her to go to counselling and perhaps even go with her. Of course this depends on how much you love her and whether you're prepared to get through this. You could give it some time, say another 3 months, and see if she keeps up with the counselling and if she really does put the effort in to change.
Of course, after 3 months you can re-evaluate the situation and take it from there.
I suppose the question here is are you prepared to stick by her while she tries to sort herself out or would you rather break away now? Be in no doubt about it - THIS IS AN ABUSIVE REALTIONSHIP as it stands.
Tough decision and up to you.
It won't be easy if you decide to stick with it but it could possibly end in bringing you closer together and taking that relationship to a whole new level.
However, no-one will blame you for leaving and I think many people would "run for the hills". I had to leave my EX due to the abusive nature of the relationship as I tried to stick by her but in my situation things just got worse and I had no choice.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck and let us know how you get on.
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reader, grainike +, writes (25 January 2008):
 hi, you should be in a relationship that makes you feel happy and that you wanna spend loads of time with the other person. you shouldnt b argueing all the time net alone her hitting you. i think you should leave the relationship. dont stay with someone cause you feel guilty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): It doesn't sound to me that you'd be making even the smallest mistake.
Probably easier said than done, but in your shoes I think I'd be inclined to tell her to pack her bags and get off back to where she came from. Tell her that you can't cope with her behaviour. She's an embarassment, she's violent, argumentative and generally no fun to have around.
Maybe she's missing her friends and is feeling lonely, but that's no excuse for behaving the way she does. I think I'd give this one a miss and find someone who is fun to be with for a change.
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): Its about control, constant nit picking if you back down for an easy life it will only get worse. Don't back down argue your corner. Ask her to get physcological help if she wants to. Its up to you if you love her it sounds like she worn you down too much.
Good Luck
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