A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:SORRY ITS long.....So I'm in a tight spot.... I've been sorta seeing this girl for almost a month. We've been close family friends for a while but, my parents don't really approve. My dad thinks nothing good can come from me dating her, and he doesn't approve of the fact that her parents are letting her date me.Shes, wonderful... we get along great, in fact better than anyone I've dated before, and her parents love me. They're thrilled that I'm dating their daughter.Now what I didn't mention was the age... I'm 21, and shes 16. So it seems odd that the parents of a 21 year old are telling me not to date a 16yo instead of the 16yo parents telling her that she can't date a 21yo. But I'm not in it for sex, in fact I'm pushing waiting till she's 18, cause I wouldn't do well in jail really...Also,I'm still living at home while I'm going to school because of money, so its not like I have my own place or else I don't think this would be a problem.So Im asking you all what should I do... I would love to still see her, but what do you think?
View related questions:
in jail, living at home, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (2 March 2009):
Arguing for you is the fact that the parents of a 16-year old think you're great for their daughter. That has to carry some weight.
Arguing against you is the fact that you think it might be okay for a 21-year old to date a 16-year old. (Most people would think that fails the "creepy" test, so one could infer your creepy meter is "off", which is what argues against you.)
Some will undoubtedly scream "Hands Off!". I don't disagree.
But if she is an unusually mature 16 year old who has recognized in a 21-year-old friend an unusually loving and compatible future partner, that keeps an affectionate but hands-off relationship while she grows and matures ... maybe that's on the okay side of the creepy line. As a kind of respectful "if you still feel this way when you are 19*, and I do as well, then we will be two adults, and in the meantime I am pleased to know you and be your caring friend". Ew, but you know, maybe sorta okay. Maybe.
And if it turns out that she's actually just a 16 year old girl, who gets crushes on older strong father-figure types like 85%** of all 16-year-old girls, and next year she falls for a cute boy in chemistry class, she would feel kindly towards you for not taking advantage of her innocence and inexperience.
And finally if she ends up having issues (hey, it happens), your discretion will avoid the trouble that I assume your father fears, where she uses a kiss for revenge over the text message from that hussy she found when ... you fill in the rest.
So to the extent you are looking for what society will think ... I believe society will judge mostly on the touching, followed by the amount of emotional dependency vs independence you promote. An adult romantic relationship with her is socially unacceptable. The boundaries of a respectful waiting are a matter of differing sensibilities, but mainly depend on the degree to which you limit her from other experiences a girl her age should have with people her age.
Really loving her (as opposed to desiring her) has the advantage of wanting her to be an independent woman who can choose (once of age) whom she likes.
========
(**standard creepiness threshold for 5 yr difference: x/2+7=x-5, x=24, x-5=19, 3 years' time)
(*85% of all statistics are made up on the spot)
|
