A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey aunts, i could really use some advice! Everything is blowing up and i'm not sure what to even think.i've been with my girlfriend for about a year. we are at university together. we both are in the same studies. things between us are great. all the standard stuff, we're compatible, etc. i won't bore you.well my gf's family has never liked me much. it's not that i've ever done anything wrong to her or to her family, it really looks like they're just dealing with empty nest, since she's an only child and she's still technically a teenager at 19, and they hate seeing her grow up and move on with life. so they just scapegoat me and make it my fault that their little girl is leaving home.the problem is that her family has ended up just making stuff up about me that's completely unfounded and untrue, or is severely exaggerated. for example, if we have an argument, which all couples of course have, and her family finds out, even if we've worked through it and moved forward they won't let it go and keep harassing her about it. they have actually said that us arguing, even occasionally, is "proof that I don't respect her" where we see it as typical relationship bumps that we always get through. well this last weekend the shit hit the fan. my gf and her family went to a movie, and a friend of mine also happened to be at the same movie. after the movie my friend came up to my gf and just said hi, how's it going, etc. and as soon as my gf's parents found out that it was one of MY friends, they started ripping into him. "you know you really could find better friends...that guy is trouble, he's disrespectful and controlling, he doesn't really care about people" and so on. just awful stuff. i'm not sure exactly how it started but it wasn't pretty. my gf was basically shocked enough that she didn't really know how to react, so my friend ended up defending me, which escalated, and eventually turned into my friend saying "look, you don't really have the right to tell me or my gf who to hang around with or who to date, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd respect both your daughter's and my decision to associate with me who we both think is a great person." my gf's parents basically dragged her out of there at that point.my gf and my friend both called me at almost the same time to tell me what had happened. my friend is naturally really, really upset and is ranting about the hypocrisy of the situation. my gf is really upset too and she knows what her family did is way out of line.the PROBLEM here is that now that this has happened, her parents have just added this on top of it. "see? even his friends are disrespectful." they're now pushing her towards an ultimatum, either she gives me up or she loses support while she's in college. and also they wouldn't invite her over for family time or holidays or anything. so that's where we stand. my poor gf is so torn up and has no idea what to do. she's being controlled, and she knows it, by her family, but she really does need their support for college. but at the same time she said she loves me and certainly doesn't want to break up with me over this sort of thing, but she really doesn't know what she should do. so she's for now resorted to lying, telling her parents that no, we don't hang out much anymore, and no, we're not sure if we're staying together, and also she's now making it a point to make sure my friends won't be around if her family will be. luckily her family is a couple towns over so it's less likely they'll see us out together, but this is going to very quickly become too stressful to maintain and she knows it. like she has to now think, would someone her parents know see us, or would one of her friends make an off-handed positive comment about us to her family, and so on.me talking to her family has never had any positive effect. her family has just barely tolerated me, but it's always been edgy enough that even if I were to bring up something, it'd just blow up in my face. so for me seeing her family was always walking on eggshells as well. me approaching her family right now can only end in the situation being even worse, such as "she put you up to this to try to keep pulling the wool over our eyes?" etc. I love my gf and she loves me and i want to support her through this but I don't know what to do other than stand by and watch her fall to pieces over the stress. she said if it weren't for the college support, and if it weren't for her family threatening to cut off ALL ties completely, she'd just stand up for us, but she really does need the support right now, and I know she does, and I don't currently have the means to give it to her myself. maybe her family is bluffing, but i can see why my gf is terrified that maybe they aren't, and the fact that they were willing to start a scene with one of my friends in public has made her question just how far they'd go.she also doesn't really feel she can just cut her family off entirely, because for one thing she'd lose the support anyway, and two, her family could cause her even more grief, like getting extended family members involved or even trying to cause trouble for me directly. again, she's really just not sure how far her family would go, and this last incident proves what she thought were the limits might not be even close.what can we do? she is so upset and it's upsetting me and it's making both of us edgy!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): What it boils down to is those parents don't like their only daughter dating a guy in his twenties.
They know you have a couple of years experience on her. We only hear your side of the story. Parents don't act that crazy without reasons. They just may know more about you than you think. There's this thing called "back-ground checks."
You can tell us anything; because they're not here to defend themselves. However; they are there to defend their only daughter. So it's tough for them to let go, but it's up to her to show maturity.
If she runs home and tells mommy and daddy every-time you fight, who's side do you expect them to be on? There's a lot about you that doesn't come out in your post. So maybe they see things in and about you their daughter can't see, for love.
You can't expect parents to let go of a 19 year-old girl who has no experience. They know she is probably sexually active; and that jeopardizes her future with the possibility of pregnancy. She has to adjust to school-life, living away from home, dealing with her studies, and on top of that; she could get her heart broken by some older guy. You bet your ass they're going to stick by her; and think the worse before any better of you. They're called "good parents."
Keep your nose clean and be respectful in spite of it. Maybe you'll gain some trust. Break her heart, and there will be hell to pay. If you're a great guy, prove it to them. If they care that much about their daughter, they're not bad people. You won't convince me otherwise.
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