A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I dated a girl for 6 months and we broke up 3 weeks ago over her lying and my temper. She had a very tough past but since she had a child a year ago and with the help of a very supportive family, she totally turned her life around to become a great person. She moved in with me and changed even more positively often saying she's never changed like this for anybody but I was worth it. We fell in love and were very supportive and great to one another. Although, she worked very hard to change some bad habits and worked very hard on this relationship, she had remnants from her pasts. For example, she smoked weed in my house (and she hardly used to do that, she was just bored and the neighbor had some) and lied about it, she lied about 2 of her exes texting her asking her to go out with them. I gave her the ultimatum to stop lying as I felt it was going to ruin the relationship. She said she won't anymore. Afterwards, I caught her in a couple of stupid lies and asked her to move out. She did and after only 4 days, we mutually admitted that the separation was unbearable and got back together. She assured me the lying would stop and she was no longer risking anything. A month later, a very manipulative ex got a hold of her # and they started texting. I found out and told her to stop because my ex called me and vowed to do whatever it took to mess my relationship up. Again, I asked my gf to stop talking to her and she said ok and deleted her #. A week later, I discovered they were still talking, that my ex was bashing me and that they even considered meeting up 4 drinks. I was absolutely angry and called my current gf nasty and hurtful names and asked her to get out. She was packed and gone by the time I came back from work. Her mom called and told me that she's never seen her daughter change this much this rapidly and that I should have accepted her and helped her grow further instead of putting her down.Anyways, this has taken a major toll on me and I miss her very much. I wanted to know if she was going to be alright and she said she found a room on craigslist but her roomate was a guy. I also found out trough her mom that he's become absolutely obsessed with her. I asked her about it and she said, no way and that 1) she wasn't ready, 2) she told him she loves me, 3) she lost her sex drive after the breakup, 4) he's not her type anyways.A week later, I asked to take her to dinner so we can talk. She turned me down and said we had a chance to talk while we were together and I decided to call her names instead. She also said she couldnt handle seeing me. We stopped contact for a week and it was unbearable for me. She texted me to ask for some of her stuff but I had already dropped it at her mom's. The following day, she texted me to let me know that her baby daughter had an infection and was at the hospital. I wanted to go see her really bad but was afraid of the rejection. Then another 3 days went by with no communication and I texted saying that although we didnt work out, I still want to see the baby here and there. That night, she said she was stopping by because the baby misses me too. She came by my house and said we should go have a drink. We went out, had a few drinks, talked (briefly about the relationship), had fun and I saw her checking the time. I asked what's up and she admitted that one of the conditions of her staying at that house was to never talk to me and that she told her roommate she wouldnt.She also promised her mom she wouldnt see me and the only person that knew we were meeting was her sister.So we hugged, I texted her this morning letting her know it was great to see her and the baby. She replied with "what r u doing today?". I said I have no plans, she said, neither does she. I asked her out for dinner, she said when will we be back because she needs to find a sitter. I said a few hours and she said she would let me know. She hasn't called or texted since.Sorry if this was too long but based on this account, does this have a chance? I am willing to change and work on my temper as long as she keeps getting better. I love her very much and am lost without her but I would start working on moving on if I have to.Thanks all!
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broke up, ex called, fell in love, got back together, hasn't called, her ex, her past, move on, moved in, my ex, roommate, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): No this does not have a chance. It's not the good times that determines if there's a chance for the relationship, it's the bad times.
And you two have shown that you dont' have the communication skills or the personal emotion-regulation skills, or the self-control, to be in this relationship.
If you get back together, it will be the same old, same old. Great for awhile, then you'll find out she's been lying about something and you'll blow up and call her names and kick her out and she'll move out, then you'll miss her because you would have forgotten the lying, then you'll get back together, then rinse and repeat.
I'm glad that she's cleaned up her life so much according to her mom. But that doesn't mean that she' ready to be in a committed relationship yet. She still has a lot more maturing to do on her own and learning about how relationships work. Let her do her experimenting (and with it causing pain and hurt) on someone else, not you.
And you have not learned how to stop repeating your patterns over and again (the fact that you can't stick with one decision of whether to take her back or to break up for good, is a telling sign), so you'll continue to repeat them.
if you want my opinion, it's that you should move on already. Her lies are a red flag, it undermines trust. Lack of trust is what kills relationships. You have to be strong to see this for what it is and not make up excuses for it when things are going good and then be all surprised when you find another lie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2012): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-her-back-i-was.html
Poster, How Many Times are you going to post the same post?
I don't think you two are good together. YOu fall back into unhealthy behaviours and you have a horrid temper.
Seek anger management classes for a long while. Not just a weekend seminar, but months. Also maybe get some individual counselling.
She's a young, attractive woman and has options and really, she made promises to some 'random' roommate?
Maybe this roommate is fearful you'll go psycho so thats a fair rule to have you STAY AWAY. You don't have Moms support. And her Family is doing there best to help her recover from her old life. I don't think you help her, your anger and emotional abuse triggers her.
You serious about loving her and wanting a life with her- then GET HEALTHY, Emotional Stable, Loving, Supportive and that will only happen when you do it in counselling.
The thing I find odd is you are okay with her being dishonest to her roommate and her Mother, so long as you are getting what you want.
Hypocritical of you, wouldn't you say?
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A
female
reader, Usagi  +, writes (7 January 2012):
 i think you have serious chances of working this out :)
although... you MUST calm down. from what i read she knows she shouldn't lie but it was nothing major, nothing that was worth ending your relationship. you love her and her child, right? you want to be a family with them, right? she seems to want that too, so make it work!
she is not the only one that has to change, please remember that. tell her she shouldn't lie because you both need to teach to the little girl what is right and what is wrong. and be forgiving if she makes a mistake, because you will make the kid unforgiving too if you don't change on that matter.
make it work, i'm sure you can :) good luck :)
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