A
male
age
51-59,
*estcoast love
writes:I moved in with a girl two years ago after talking on the phone for several months quite extensively about mutual our desires to have a family and and finally meeting in San Francisco. She flew out to meet me from the east coast. We had a great time that weekend and had sex the first night we spent together. We parted basically 'in love'...or so I thought. After I moved into her home on the east coast things were great between us. After about two months she had to go back to her home town and help out with a family matter for about a week or so and we decided that I would spend that week with my family on the west coast. After the week ended we blissfully rejoined each other in her home on the east coast and continued to live together in a 'committed relationship'. About a month later we found out she was pregnant and the joys of family were soon to be realized. Several months into the pregnancy she again had to go back to her home town for family business and I again went back to my home on the west coast ...still i love with this girl. During the time we spent together she was always harping on my past relationship with my ex wife and was daily accusing me of still wanting to be with her or that my ex wanted to be with me which I denied due to the fact that my ex and I had not been together for over 9 years. We still had business dealings together but no intimacy and limited contact which ws exclusively by phone. Anyways long story short 6months after the child was born during one of our talks she out of the blue tells me that the child is not mine and that she had an affiar the first time she want back to her home town. Mind you I had told all my friends , family and anyone else that I was a new father. We shared pictures, video web cam of the baby....the whole nine yards. I thought and had no reason to believe otherwise that I was the father. I can remember many times when she told me while in tears because we were not married that I was not to ever ever say that I was not the father because we had been together 24/7 and there was no way that I was not the father..I agreed for as far as I knew we hade been together 24/7. In essence she lied to me and my family for over 16 months knowing that I was not the father and that she had been carrying on an affair with this man all the while accusing me of still having feeling for my ex almost daily. She is ambivalent about wanting a continued relationship with me but doesn't trust me.....we never get to have a discussion about her infidelity other than for her to remark that she didn;t cheat because our relationship was 'new'......HELP!! I really love this woman but these and other inconsistencies are driving me up a wall.
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affair, ex-wife, infidelity, moved in, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, The Doctor +, writes (19 January 2009):
Unfortunatly...those who have been deceived and betrayed by someone they love...have been caught in their web of flaws. And i know how it hurts...betrayal and deception cut to the very core of our well being...that's the pain. There is a good book written by Susan Forward, phd called When Your loved One lies, Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal....get it! It's an execellent source for healing.
Until you can understand that what she has done, really has nothing to do with you...it's about character...so with that said...get a start on healing yourself...and don't forget to breath.
A
male
reader, mrflip +, writes (19 January 2009):
You should definitely leave her. Nothing good will come out of this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): What did you do? The answer, without sugar-coating it, is that you got tangled up with a scheming bitch.
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A
male
reader, westcoast love +, writes (19 January 2009):
westcoast love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPossible deception and betrayal???.....I KNOW I was deceived as well as my whole circle of family, friends and relations for over a year and a half and my trust and fidelity to her was betrayed simply because she would not believe the truth I kept giving her long before we even met. It is more important for her to keep up the facade of being a wounded woman unmarried and pregnant by me than it is to tell the truth of her infidelity and deception in order to keep her 'pure' persona intact.
All my actions as well as words keep telling her that I am only in love with her and have been so basically since I first laid eyes on her. I cut loose all my female friends, male friends and even some of my family ties in order to satisfy her desire to be #1 in my life and this is what I get for it. How am I to make insecurities go away when she won't even tell me what they really are....especially when the ones she keeps presenting in a shrouded way are not based in reality but in her desire to keep a untruth about me alive just to keep me looking like the bad guy and not her??? Where is the personal responsibility to be repentant about what she has done? Why am I being portrayed as the one who hurt her and made her insecure??? WHAT DID I DO????.......
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A
female
reader, The Doctor +, writes (18 January 2009):
Goodness...you have more than meat on your plate...i think the best thing to do is let everything cool off so clear heads may prevail...there is definilty a trust issue here, possible deception and betrayal...one thing to keep in mind is when a woman has insecrities about the relationship it is up to the man, through his actions to make those insecruties go away...try a different method and see if that will at least start a more harmonious communication bwtween the two of you...after you let things cool off.
The Doctor
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): You're dead right about one thing - it's crystal clear. What you do next is your decision, but I can't help thinking you're being lured into some sort of trap. If you want a ball and chain around your ankles go with it.
I think I'd be off like a shot. There are far too many unanswered questions about this whole thing. I'd advise you to get out now while the going is relatively good before you get hurt any more.
Best of luck to you - you could need it here!
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A
male
reader, westcoast love +, writes (18 January 2009):
westcoast love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not spoken to her parents about this but once. She refuses to allow me to speak to them other than the first time we informed them of her being pregnant. They asked was I wiling to step in and fulfill my responsibilities to which I without hesitation replied'Yes...of course" However she has called my mother on numerous occasions without my knowledge to harangue me and question my fidelity to her. Matter of fact I just finished speaking to her on the tele and she even still refuses to talk about the father and how and why it all happened other than to say that she felt that I was cheating with my ex (whom I haven't seen for over two years now and hadn't been intimate with for over 10 years)and felt tht it was OK for her to do so as well. She wont respond to me when I ask why she won't go after the supposed biological father. She just shuts down and will not even talk about it....matter of fact that is her pat response.."I just don't want to talk about it"She is now saying that she wants nothing from me.....isn't really sure if she wants a relationship...then literally the next minute she says she is distraught because our plans of family and being together have not come together and that she is guilty because she didn't not provide what we both wanted which is a family and want us to work out but has no hope of it ever happening.I have never seen the child's birth certificate...She at one time said that the name we had both agreed to give him was not even the name on his birth certificate and she only calls him by the name I know him by now as to pacify me.She says now that she wants no money....for me to go find someone else ..but at the same time she calls me sometimes 4 or 5 times a day to see how my business is going..or to just chit chat about the baby and how he is growing and learning.....we sit on the phone sometimes for almost an hour at at time saying nothing just enjoying the togetherness I suppose of hearing each other breathe on the other end of the line. I mentioned once that I wanted a paternity test and she hit the roof........I had only sen her this angry once before when I casually joked that she was now 'knocked up' when we were once teasing each other about being now pregnant. I at that time did not know of the affair and that is when she started making me promise to never say that he was not mine and that we had been together for 24/7. Her response now when I ask her about why she lied and made me promise to be the dad was because she thought we could make it work and be a family so hiding it was a protective measure for her I suppose.....This is all so confusing and at the same time so crystal clear.......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): I have to ask - do you have proof that this child even exists? Is it possible that she could be trying to take you for a financial ride by deception? Have you spoken to her parents or are you just taking her word for everything?
It seems strange that she wants nothing from the 'biological father' but expects it from you! Why so?
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A
male
reader, westcoast love +, writes (18 January 2009):
westcoast love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe 'my girl' has some trust issues that have roots with ppl she knew or know from the past. She never said her past boyfriends cheated o her....just that all 3 of her engagements ended badly with the other guys family basically hating her.I know that I have given her some reason to doubt my love for her due to my ex still being in the picture (business only) but each and every time she brings it up I very candidly explain the dynamics of the business relationship . The conundrum is how to be open with her when she refuses to be open with me. Her statements to me is that she is being open...but I am the one dong all the talking and divulging. She sits quietly and says very little but uses all the things I have told her against me in later conversations.
The supposed other guy is another thing. We live in different parts of the country and due to my $ issues I have not been able to see her or the child. (matter of fact I have never physically seen the child and she refuses now to let me see the child or even send any more pictures because in her words "I don't want to see you hurt over this"). And when I ask if she still sees him her response is that " we still run into each other"...or "the only man I am interested in is this little man who I gave birth to". Well this begs the question that ifas she tells me all she has time to do is to go grocery shopping or to physical therapy, and tend to the child....or take the child out to children activities....when and where are they 'running into each other???
Her parents basically have stepped in an shouldered the responsibility of taking care of her and the child since she is not working to which I think is absolutely noble of them to do...especially since they also know now that I am not the father. She has told me that they hate my guts for what I did (supposedly getting her pregnant and not being married)and that I am not welcome to go see their daughter...much less the child who I still hold in my heart as my own. My question is this......When she absolutely knows that I am not a dead beat dad type of man and want to be responsible....even if the child is not mine......why did she feel the need to throw me under the bus and make me think I was the father? She is not going to court to get child support from this man but has expectations of me to once I am back on my feet financially and to prove to her that my ex is out of the picture....to pay for homes, the child's education...be a father ect ect.
I know this seems like an easy question to answer in that she just is using me. I felt true love back when we were together on the east coast....even glimpses of it now..but what is it that keeps her wanting to be with me but to have lied about the paternity. The other question rhetorically is she lying to me now when she says that I am not the father just to hurt me for not being there for the child's delivery????
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Leave her, this was disgusting making you believe the child was yours and extremely inconsiderate allowing you to love this child throughout the times it was in her belly, to the moment of birth and beyond. She deceived you into giving your fatherly love.
It would not be best for you to stay.
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A
female
reader, The Doctor +, writes (18 January 2009):
Oh My Dear...yall have a huge trust problem that cannot be resolved here! The two of you need to NOW quit thinking about yourselves, because there is a child and the child's well being comes FIRST! If the two of you want to make a go of this for the Child's sake, then go to couples therapy and learn how to work through the trust issue...no reason to look back and play tit for tat...
The Doctor
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): If you are really not the father, then this is deceit of the worst kind. I think a DNA paternity test might be in order just to confirm things.
If you're not the father she has no right to expect you to bring the child up because that's the other man's responsibility. You may well love her, but she's been leading you a merry dance. She has no right to treat you like a fool, which is essentially what she's been doing for quite some time.
I think if I were you I'd go back west and forget about her if the paternity test shows you're not the father. Could you live the rest of your life deceiving the child? I don't think I could.
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