A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My cousin who I love dearly is married and 7 months pregnant. They are in their thirties, him approaching his forties. They have been married for almost two years. I am becoming quite concerned with her husband. He has this friend who he met over the summer. This friend is a pill popper, pot smoker, prostitute pusher who is in his early forties. In addition, he seems to have a series of medical issues as well. The only thing he seems to have going for him is that he owns a vehicle and can still legally drive. Upon meeting him, my cousins husband has all but given my cousin the brush off. He was never like this before. Normally, he was very doting if not a bit obsessive, but he seems to have turned his attention toward his friend! During the summer, they all hung around a bit, shared some beers and laughs, but then this friend was kicked out of the rental community because he was accused of pimping out prostitutes and selling pills. It was then that my cousin realized something was not right with him, and has disliked him ever since. He is always polite to her, but in a standoffish way. Her husband however, has seemingly become obsessed with him! He will call his phone repeatedly and text him continuously until he answers. If he hasn’t had contact with him for a few days, he will want to ride by his house and figure out why he isn’t answering his phone. He has lied about calling and talking to this friend, or hanging out with him. Her husband has expressed a huge interest in moving into the same neighborhood as this friend even though it is completely unaffordable. Recently her husband is trying out for a job that is right in his friends neighborhood. The times that her husband can coerce her to take him to see this friend, they all hang out together, but the friend seems to cater to my cousin, is extra attentive and nice to her, as if he has already been informed of her immense dislike of him. I would like to say that the onset of these issues started when my cousin and her husband had a falling out and split for a few months during the summer. He became very close to this friend, they would hang out quite a bit. When my cousin finally forgave her husband, his friend was very rude and vocal about how upset he was with her that she would do that to her husband. Because of her husbands change in attitude towards her, she started poking around and found out that her husband has suddenly become obsessed with porn. While most guys do look, its not such a big issue, but it was the type of porn that had her crying her eyes out and now completely disgusted and depressed. Teen porn. Yes, I know, they are really 18. But that is not what her husband searched for- He searched for young teens, tiny teens, etc….He did not search for girls who are 18 but really look 13. He specifically searched for teens. When she called him out on it, he blamed his friend, saying that he sent him the links etc. This wasn’t a one time event. He had been viewing dozens of these pages chronically for at least 3 days straight. She didn’t go back any further, because by then she was so distraught and sick, she saw all she wanted to see. In the past, her husbands stance on porn was that he viewed it as cheating because it was lusting after someone who was not his wife. I cant help but feel there is a connection with all these issues and her husbands friend. Do any of you have any advice? At the moment, I almost want to tell her to pack her bags and come live with me. I think this is shaping up to be a very unhealthy situation because she becomes enraged the moment he talks to his friend, or mentions wanting to hang out with him, or even going around that same area. The end result is that he lies and covers up his friendship. And then she finds out, and the cycle starts all over again. The husband is not what he used to be. It seems he spends the majority of his time angling for ways to hang out and talk to his friend. He has become very distant with her, and their evenings are very quiet. He seems eager to push her out the door each morning, and just as eager for the nights to end every night. In the past, he would call her several times a day. Now he hardly does, but always seems to find time to call his friend. I love her dearly, and hate what this situation is doing to her. I am trying to just offer her positive advice, but with every conversation I have with her, she is more and more depressed, sad, angry and I know this isn’t good for the baby either. Where should I go from here?
View related questions:
cousin, depressed, porn, prostitute, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Ampersand, great advice! I was gearing up to take that approach, just a little nervous about it. Thanks for giving me that nudge. This is not his first, but it is their first. Honestly, my impression with regards to her husband is that he is a bit immature. He is very abrasive and loud and tends to put people off for these very reasons. I suspect that he has always had that "live it up while I can" attitude.I just find it very odd that he continuously texts and calls this man and then goes so far as to track him down when he cant get ahold of him? That seems very off to me. Thanks again for your wonderful advice!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Ampersand, I am grateful for your response and the time you took out of your day to read and respond to my post, so thank you! To answer your question- I had thought along the same lines as well, that perhaps he had become addicted to pills or another drug of some sort. She assures me that it is not that at all. I am comfortable with her assesment of this as we both have another cousin who unfortunately fell the way of drugs, having lived with my cousin, she is all too aware of the signs of pill popping and other drugs, recreational or otherwise.
But you could be right about something else- perhaps he is obsessed with what his friend has to offer, not necesssarily with the friend himself. Could it be the prostitutes his friend is pimping? Maybe that crazy reckless lifestyle as a whole? Perhaps my cousins husband is going through a midlife crisis?
Im not sure if this is important or not, but the husbands friend was accused by others of being in love with my cousin. Her husband has even made remarks of suspicion of this as well from time to time. This could or could not have something to do with why he always hides the friendship away from her, or prefers to do things on his own with this man instead of including the three of them out of obligation.
I am trying to tread delicately on this matter. I dont want to be the first to mention she come stay with me because up until now I have remained as positive as possible by underplaying the situation. I dont want to take that role with her only to have it blow up in my face as the negative cousin who hates her husband.
...............................
|
