A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:how can i convince my friend that her to-be-husband is not worth keeping? all her family have had many doubts before with no hard evidence, but now he has been caught with a women in their village.Relatives saw them and told her.Yet she wouldn't believe anyone and keeps on giving him excuses how can i help her see clearly and help her heal from her blinded love?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Sometimes, when you're standing on the bank of a river, you see someone paddling past, downstream, in a canoe, and you call to them: "Excuse me... but there's a very dangerous waterfall just ahead, and perhaps you should go to this or the other shore and not go over it. Many people have perished when they did go over it"....
.... and the canoeist replies: "I'm aware of that... but I believe that I am going to be that lucky one who goes over the dangerous falls and emerges unscathed on the other side...."
You just have to let 'em go on paddling....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I too think on some level she sees him for what he is. Unfortunately at this point, the more anyone tries to show her the harder she will dig in her heels. It isn't just his character (or lack thereof) she is trying to justify, but her faith in him in the first place. It's difficult for her to admit she was wrong about him.
She's already been warned, she's now got proof. The best way to help her is to say nothing more about him. Resist the urge to criticize him, even when she does. Let her voice her own complaints about him instead of always listening to everyone else's.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Take a round about route to get her to gently see the truth.
Accept and reognise that she feels she is really committed to this guy and really loves him.
Focus on his ACTIONS only. not him as a person, no matter what you do think of him
Ask one of the female relatives who saw the man and the woman together to sit with you (maybe have coffee together) but ask the relative to hold their tongue as far as criticism directly of then man, but to succinctly answer your questions without too much drama, just calm but disappointed in tone.
And for you to focus the discussion with remarks like:
'I know you really love him. I know that you are truly committed to him.'
and turn to the relative who witnessed the man and the other woman and ask:
"are you really sure you saw them together, how did you know it was him? How did they seem together"
Ask the relative (in advance) to go easy on the drama and instead try to be calm and controlled with her answer)
Then commiserate with the relative:
"Oh that must have made you sick to the stomach to see that. That is so cruel, because "x" here loves him so much. How could he do that?"
let the girl hear you commiserating with the relative who saw it all.
And if the girl tries to defend him then focus on what he was wearing - something the girl will know is his.or what car they got into - once again the girl will know what hi car looks like.
If you stay calm the gravity of the situation will sink in better than if you all become overly emotional.
Because this poor girl whose finace is cheating on her will eventually need a lot of support once she realises that he is a cheat. When she finally realises,the flood gates will open up.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 There is no-one so blind as the person who refuses to see.
You are stuck here, there is nothing you can do to make your friend see the truth, or to acknowledge the truth. She is refusing to see it.
Its frustrating I know, maybe one last try, write it all down, the where, who and whens and tell her this is the last time you are going to talk about this, give her the information, also let her know you are not obliged to accept excuses for his behaviour.
Tell her you'll try and be there for her when she realises the truth, and then let it drop.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 My guess is that she knows deep down that it is the truth but she just does not want to believe it. I understand that you want to help her and you do not want to see her make a huge mistake but am afraid there is nothing you can say or do to make her change her mind, she needs to learn from her own mistakes and she will in the long run, and when she does all you can do is be there for her as a friend.
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