A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:No idea if this is the right place to vent but here we go…I’m not at all keen on my friends fiancé. They’ve been together for 8 years and have 2 kids together- he is in his late 30’s but half the time behaves like a child himself- he does nothing to help my friend and is lazy. I’ve never said anything to her as it’s none of my business and she is happy. What I have noticed is over the last 5 months or so he keeps trying to impress me- not in the “I fancy you way” but more in the need to gain my approval. It’s so odd.A while back I was at their house and he was really attentive- brining me and my friend drinks and snacks After a bit I decided to leave and he said had a surprise for me..He got the kids to help and presented my friend with chocolates, flowers and wine and made a speech on how lucky he and the kids were to have her. He and the kids then sang a mushy song on their karaoke machine, badly and added in a few cringy dance moves too for good measure! I guess for them it was a nice gesture but I didn’t need to witness it! Even my friend looked embarrassed! My friend invited My husband and i to dinner, my mum is Italian so I’ve grown up making various pasta dishes and sauces from scratch, so I know what good Italian food is. I’ve had them over for dinner a few times myself. My friends fiancé has always bragged that he makes the best spaghetti bolognese, so he cooked for us. It was terrible the pasta was crunchy and the bolognese burnt with no taste, I struggled to eat it, yet he the whole time was like “see isn’t it the best thing you’ve tasted? I could be Italian!”He’s a security guard and most recently he was telling me how he stopped a shop lifter - he chased them through the store and when they fell he dived in and retrieved the stolen goods and all the shoppers gave him an ovation. Another friend of mine works in this store- she witnessed the whole thing and my friends fiancé apparently did nothing- he just stood there whilst 2 of his colleagues chased them and then solved it all!There’s been other things which I won’t go in too but it’s now getting to the point where I really don’t want to hang around with him - he talks so much rubbish and lies - I have little tolerance for it and I just find it so cringy! Each time I suggest meeting up with my friend- I make it clear for it to be just me, her and the kids but he tags along all the time. I’m now making excuses not to see her as I cannot stand him. Obviously I can’t keep avoiding seeing my friend but I can’t tell her “I can’t stand your fiancé -he talks so much rubbish, I don’t want to hang out with him!”How do I solve this?
View related questions:
flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2024): To a female anonymous and the question writer - if you are going to meet up with your mate and her guy is it just as quick to find time for all three of you together or does it take longer? What anonymous said resonates with me cause I've had same thing. I met two new friends, Beryl and Janet, they wanted to get together sometimes with me for coffee and a chat. Both were unreliable and kept changing their mind about when. If Beryl's daughter wanted to see her she would cancel, even though she could see her any day of the week easy - they lived in same road and neither works. Got sick of it. This was all to arrange a face to face chat. Not worth the long wait and all the rest of it. Question asker, when you meet up with your mate do you go somewhere nice or just talk? If it is just talk why bother? You can chat on phone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2024): To a female anonymous and the question writer - if you are going to meet up with your mate and her guy is it just as quick to find time for all three of you together or does it take longer? What anonymous said resonates with me cause I've had same thing. I met two new friends, Beryl and Janet, they wanted to get together sometimes with me for coffee and a chat. Both were unreliable and kept changing their mind about when. If Beryl's daughter wanted to see her she would cancel, even though she could see her any day of the week easy - they lived in same road and neither works. Got sick of it. This was all to arrange a face to face chat. Not worth the long wait and all the rest of it. Question asker, when you meet up with your mate do you go somewhere nice or just talk? If it is just talk why bother? You can chat on phone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2024): I am married and live hubby. We get on great but we spend a lot of time together and I need a break from him and vice versa. I get tired of meeting up with someone and them saying "oh, how come you did not bring hubby with you, it would have been nice if there were more of us etc". One of the reasons I am going out is to get a break from him!
Maybe your friend does not want a break from her guy, that is up to her. But you are able to say no if it he is coming along too.
As for the way they are at home etc it is none of your business. Maybe you are jealous. Maybe you should get a guy of your own instead of worrying about other people's stuff.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2024): Have you ever been assertive and honest with someone? I started going to groups and clubs, social events where there are lots of women, looking to make friends. I found that if I liked someone enough to suggest we go out for a meal and a chat they would either be too busy with all their family stuff or they would go out with anyone, no filter as to what type of person they are going out with etc, they just want to get out of their home and be with anyone, so they would say oh yeah we can go out for lunch, I will invite X and Y to come too.
That does not suit me, I am not into groups and clusters and talking about the weather and other such trivial stuff for hours. And I go to enough social does and groups already. I am very sensitive to who I am with, so if I have nothing in common with someone or don't like them it ruins my day.
Hence I invite this one or that one, not anyone who fancies it. And the idea was to do something different, not to be in a group again like most other days where I see the same people over and over again whether I like them or not!
So when I say P, would you like to go out for a meal I emphasise P and you. If they then talk about inviting X and Y I say no, just us, I saw X twice last week and she is not really my cup of tea or whatever. I am honest. After all it is up to me who I want to spend my time with, not them.
There is also another very practical reason I invite one person to go out together with. As soon as it becomes three or more it gets far too much hassle and complicated and time. Because P will ring and say I will invite Y. A few days later she tells you that she got hold of Y but Y cannot make the day that we had arranged so we have to change it to a day that suits her. So this sets it back by two weeks.
Another day is arranged, this means two or three long phone calls. And then when you get nearer to the day one of them says they have to cancel. I've had this sort of thing many times where after dozens of phone calls, which I am too busy for, the thing you had tried to arrange six months ago has still not happened. If you ask just one person it is so much quicker and simpler.
You must put your foot down with this friend if you don't want him coming along. Say you fancy a girly meet up, but if you say the kids can come but he cannot that is rude, very rude. After all whether you like it or not they are a family, as good as married. You are lucky she has not worked out (she is slow thinking) that when you say you don't want him coming you do not like him. Any woman who hears that someone does not like their partner turns against that person, they shoot the messenger. You are slow thinking too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (14 July 2024):
 So, I see that you are not a friend to the relationship. Go back and read your post with an out side perspective. Think about how you would feel if your friend was thinking things like this about your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2024): Yeah I agree with others in that he is trying far too hard to kill you with kindness having sensed you don't really like him.
I understand your discomfort but have you thought that a lot of your discomfort may be down to guilt for having inadvertantly let him know that you don't like him? I've been in your shoes and I can't stand the sucking up behaviour myself. It's much easier being around people who are comfortable in their own skin and don't need to brown-nose.
Ofcourse, it is also possible that he is just controlling and doesn't want the fiance and kids to be out of his site. Have you spoken to others to ascertain whether he tags along to their friend dates or is it only when you two meet?... as others have said, it's a very problematic scenario as her fiance isn't going anywhere.
You're right to back off though as you deserve to be comfortable with the people you spend time with. If she brings him along even after you have asked her not to then she is being inconsiderate and going out of her way to force you two to get along. It's unrealistic and she is losing you as a result. She needs to accept that you two just aren't going to be friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2024): They are as good as married with two kids.
But as you're recently figuring out, everything is presented in a slightly varying manner.
I think you should allow this friend to move on with her life as you do not enjoy being an annex to her family.
You could take her to one side and ask : 'Is the whole thing a sham?'
But unless you expect her to tearfully explain that it is then there is little point.
She has chosen her pathway.
She has the kids with him so I am assuming that she knows what she wants.
You are just the third wheel.
It isn't comfortable to see yourself in that light so please socialise elsewhere!
It's not your responsibility to be her friend and her social worker.
Just concentrate on setting your own life targets and goals.
And turn down a few offers from her as you are not obliged to service her life!
...............................
A
male
reader, Keen Fox +, writes (13 July 2024):
He’s engaged and he’s giving flowers and chocolates to another girl who is not his fiancée? And singing her a love song?
I would NOT be okay with my wife doing that.
You need to talk to his fiancée and warn her about what’s going on.
The other stuff could be innocent awkwardness but this one is inexcusable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 July 2024):
 Oh dear. Awkward. Unfortunately we cannot pick who our friends choose to be with. The fact that he keeps tagging along when you and your friend go out would seem to suggest he is either lonely and has no friends of his own, he considers you as a friend, he's controlling of your friend and doesn't want her going out on her own, or he is really going out of his way to impress you (he's not to know his efforts are having quite the opposite effect). He does sound insecure and as if he needs to make up stories to big himself up.
Have you asked your friend why he comes along every time? Does she perhaps want him there?
I suspect he realizes you don't really rate him and goes out of his way to try to "rectify" that issue, probably because you are close to his fiancee.
You can't control what he does but perhaps you could try to let his efforts go over your head and not get irritated by them? Just smile and nod and let him think he is who he is making out to be?
Sorry, no other suggestions. It's hard. I've been where you are and remember how irritating it was. (Luckily no longer friends with this couple so problem sorted itself.)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 July 2024):
 Yeah, he is cringe and corny for sure.
BUT!
And this is a BIG BUT....
Your friend loves him. Or she drank his "cool-aid" and has gotten so used to having a goofy partner.
If she can NOT meet up without him and the kids, then maybe you need to accept that this is a "family package" and if you want to hang out with a friend as two adults, SHE isn't that friend.
OR you ask her if HE is working that day (the day you all planned) and if he is, viola! you can meet up with her and her kids.
Have you FIRMLY told her I miss hanging out with JUST you (and the kids) because it seems whenever your fiancé is there he takes over. I just want to hang out with YOU (and the kids) not him. He is your man, not my friend.
Also, have you considered that he is actually "pulling" the strings and he doesn't "let" her hang out with others without him?
He might be cringy, corny and goofy, but he might also be VERY controlling.
...............................
|
