A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very stressed over my current engagement situation. I am recently divorced after a 2 year long separation to my wife of many years. During that time, I met someone very special and have lived with her now for a little over a year. I love her very much, and we have agreed to marry, although unemployment and the fact the divorce wasn't final until a few weeks ago prevented me from proposing and buying a ring.My Fiancee'-to-be has been pressuring just a little, and she looks at brides magazines and we have visited a place (destination wedding) where we plan on marrying. The eagerness bothers me just a little, because the divorce wasn't final and I felt things needed to happen in a certain, realistic order. But with things final now, we are both excited to plan, and I have enough money for a modest ring.Well, now her sister is putting the pressure on me to actually propose...soon. I had a plan to do it in a very symbolic way in August, but she feels I should consider sooner because we have looked at a venue and set a date for next May, but she says it is difficult to plan until I actually propose. We made plans with the venue because where we are marrying gets booked YEARS in advance, and we had to sieze an opportunity.I know this is all backwards, and I know I want to marry, so that's not the problem. But I don't want to propose sooner just because my soon-to-be-sister-in-law and family say so and are eager to plan.Is this all screwy, or is it typical? I feel the engagement is MY call.
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female
reader, goofysassy +, writes (3 May 2011):
This is your call, and you need to stick up for yourself. If you continue to let her family push you around, they'll think you have no self respect and will continue to try to control you.
Divorce is not easy, and remarriage should be done on your timeline. Hopefully your fiancee understands this. If she doesn't, it's time to express to her that the speed is bothering you, not out of lack of commitment, but for the simple fact that you need to go at your own pace. If it's her first marriage, it's understandable that she might be eager. Communicating your feelings to her is VERY important to do at this stage; otherwise you risk sending her the message that you don't want to marry her.
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