A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Curious for general perspective, and especially grateful to hear from anyone who is dating, or has dated, a guy, while you (the girl's) "ex" or old hookup buddy stayed around as friends to both sides. Assuming your new relationship is/was healthy, how did you feel towards your previous guy? Maybe a guy has been through this and has two cents too.I have a healthy, positive, exclusive relationship with a girl who I started seeing perhaps three months ago, after being introduced to her three months before that when she moved to NYC. She joined our great, fairly tight knit circle of friends right away. A few weeks before we started dating, she had been sleeping with and was somewhat involved with another guy in the group, also a friend of mine. Lasted a couple weeks, didn't go anywhere, but they were physically active and she liked him but just couldn't connect past a certain point. She ended it when she and I got involved. Perhaps a month after they had last slept, but had continued to text in the meantime.It's established my girlfriend and I like each other very much and there is no one else involved. But that guy is still around, he is my friend, he is her friend, and he is part of the group, and for the last several months I have been telling myself it doesn't bother me, but it does, a little bit. She has referred to him as "poor guy" when someone teased him about the fact I am now seeing her and "he is out". She knows too much about him, in my irrational opinion, shows sympathy too often, and just generally if you pay attention you can tell they are slightly warmer (but never inappropriately so) than normal friends. I haven't brought it up with her, because I'd like to have an idea of what she might be thinking before I ask her. I am sure that if I bring it up, she will be surprised, will assure me, be genuine, all the good stuff. And I think I can bring it up without damaging their relationship too much. They should of course be great friends, but it is obvious that, at least at some point, there was more than being friends and I find having that in front of me more difficult than if it was not. It is preventing me from exposing myself more, becoming more involved, and very rarely but occasionally I pick a small fight because I feel entitled to, leaving her thinking I was just moody. I am protective, and she is very sweet, and her sympathy for him hurts.I strive to be rational and for this reason have not discussed the topic, as I know beyond a doubt I have nothing to worry about. But since it's not going way, I turned to you guys. Thanks very much in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrilliant. Thanks.
A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (21 June 2014):
The problem will resolve as soon as he gets a girlfriend, so I would not worry too much. Until then get a bit of distance between he and you, spend time together without him around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot. I agree with both of you.In response to what I expected: I didn't know what to expect as this is a first for me, and it is more of an issue now as we are becoming more involved. Definitely didn't care at first when the relationship was less meaningful. As for what I would hope, I would like them to be colder to each other, as idiotic or unfair as it may sound. I know they are not involved now. The solution to this is to talk, as you suggest.On the other hand, methuselah 200% hits the nail on the head when she says: "The problem for you is that this is 'in your face.' You see him regularly. It is not his fault, he isn't a threat to your relationship, but the memory is in your face. Deep down you know what went on" Therefore "asking her will only upset you more" may be correct as well. This is helping me think, and I'm grateful you both took the time to post.
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (20 June 2014):
Hi,
The problem for you is that this is 'in your face.' You see him regularly. It is not his fault, he isn't a threat to your relationship, but the memory is in your face. Deep down you know what went on so asking her will only upset you more.
You have to find a way of living with this or ending the relationship. For me, I would end the relationship because I simply couldn't bare to keep thinking the thoughts and have them eat me up inside. I would simply cut my loses and break up with her. But that's me, not you. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): What did you expect when going into a relationship with her? You knew she had some sort of FWB arrangement with your friend before making her your girlfriend. "It is preventing me from exposing myself more, becoming more involved, and very rarely but occasionally I pick a small fight because I feel entitled to, leaving her thinking I was just moody." Picking a small fight because you feel entitle isn't going to win you any points. You say you want to wait before asking her straight out about her relationship with her ex, yet you're picking small fights? Just tell her how you feel. Tell you feel uneasy, but you still want her and her ex to be friends. If she tells you to rest easy and there's nothing going on, then trust her. If you can't trust her or she later proves she wasn't trustworthy to begin with, then the relationship is over.
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