A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This one is very complicated I could use some advice on how to proceed.I found pictures on an internet site of my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years having sex with her ex and this has created a tonne of problems.First off we haven't ever really discussed what she would think of me looking at porn so theres that. I'm always careful not to shove it in her face so it has never been anything we needed to talk about.Secondly at the beginning of our relationship she said that letting her boyfriend take pictures was the biggest mistake she has ever made, but she trusted him when he said he deleted them the next day. She is a very shy, reserved girl that is easily manipulated because she only see's the best in people. I know this would devastate her but the site is popular amongst my friends and someone will notice eventually, if they haven't already. The site has refused to remove the images as they don't break any copyright laws and it is up to the original uploader whether he wants to delete them or not. Now to me, I'm angry beyond belief, I am both jealous and furious he could do this to the woman I love but I can learn to deal with these feelings my main concern is how do I break the news to my girlfriend without destroying her faith in humans (she does have to find it out from me first)? How do I approach this guy without putting him in hospital (He's among her group of friends that she see's regularly)?
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her ex, jealous, porn, shy, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 You need to tell her. She needs to know pictures of her are on the internet. I would want to know. Both of you need to go to her ex together and she needs to tell him the pictures are going to be taken off the site or she will seek legal action. If that doesn't scare him into taking them off then do it for real. She has a right to not have herself plastered all over the internet. Take the bastard to court if it gets that far. Do not hurt him. He will then have charges against you and it's another battle you can easily avoid.
Make sure you are there for your girlfriend. Don't discuss any of this with your friends, it will only hurt your girlfriend. If they bring it up, dismiss it somehow, or say how much of an ass her ex is. I doubt you would because you seem like a good guy, don't let anyone say anything about her. Be on her side completely. She made a mistake. Everyone has. You just have to be there to comfort her. Let her know it isn't her fault. I can't imagine how I would feel in this situation but I know my boyfriend just being there, on my side, non-judgemental, would help immensly. You watching porn should be the last thing to discuss. Tell her the site isn't popular, whether it is true or not that is what she will want to hear, and that you doubt many people, if any, saw it at all. If your friends are real friends they wouldn't dare say anything to her about it. This is very tough and will probably crush her. She needs to know though. If not from you she would hear it somewhere else. Especially if this guy is in her group of friends. Feel free to email me if you want. Good luck with everything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): This is her problem and no matter how hurt she may be, she will want to know. How will she feel when she finds out that you approached him without informing her. She will be mad at him and you. How will she feel if one of your friends tells her before you - they surf the site. It is best the information comes from you and she has time to prepare herself emotionally and legally.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 dont tell her-leave a note up on the site asking him to take it down. or try to contact him and tell him where your coming from. the fact is that if he has any soul at all he will at least hear you out.
maybe as a participant she has copyright over her image? she could if she finds out try to get the images banned on invasion of privacy laws.
its a guess but try your best and dont be angry with him, just pragmatic and try to reason. i'm sure at some point he cared about her. the sex was only put on the net as he was pround of his "work". if he knew it had malicious undertones then maybe he wouldn't feel as proud. its your best and first bet to reason diplomatically with him.
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A
male
reader, Gabriel Love  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 Ok this is preety tough actually. I've heard of some girls having sex with guys that take pics n vids that ended up in the net. 1st of all I have to tell u violence doesnt solve anything n I'm glad ur thinking about that. Wat u hav 2 do ius u shud go hav a talk n ORDINARY TALK. U shud say to him that u want him to remove those pics since u dont want them to be in d net anymore but if he doesnt then u shud let it go. Yes ur family n friends might give u big headache but if u do love her, I suggest u stay with her no matter wat. Let me give u n example. Paris Hilton's sex tape, no 1 cares about it right now rite? So you hav to be patient to go trough this challage. If you really really love her then you must be patient of wats happening. Try talking to her it might help.
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