A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Fell in love with a woman who has a child. We dated for a years and while dating her, she was still somewhat dependent on the ex because of the child. She gets offered a job opportunity in another state and due to the state of her financial situation and the fact that this opportunity could pay off for her and her child, she moves. So I help her move and support her mentally in her decision. I do all the things I feel a supportive person is suppose to do for a person he loves. So we agree on a long distance relationship. At first everything seems fine, but than things start to happen. The job doesn't pan out the way we had hoped for. Her communication breaks down with the ex, resulting in a costly custody battle, she begins to have daycare issues, having family near by she still has no support, work issues because of daycare and court appearances, she also begins having family problems. I found myself for the past year and a half giving her half of my income to help support her and keep her above water. I have always been an independent person. I have always been the type of person to help loved ones when they need it, but now I feel like my life has been put on hold and I am financially trapped helping loved ones. I feel like I lost my freedom, I love this girl but feel stuck. In the beginning, I wanted a life and family with this girl but didn't realize it would be this way. I had always told her she needed to be more independent, especially independent from the ex, but she always used the child as an excuse. If I walk away I lose her and her life could get worse. If I stay, I lose myself, my freedom, my goals. How do I deal with this? Am I being too soft, too concerned?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): You don't have to be unemployed and homeless to qualify for assistance (at least where I live). You can even get a discount of up to %50 on YMCA daycare.
If she can't qualify for anything she either makes enough money to afford it, isn't working enough, the forms were filled out wrong or they needed additional information.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): You need to stop intervening on her life and let her sink or swim on her own terms. You even filled out her paperwork for her? That's enabling in the extreme. No wonder she doesn't get back on her feet. Sue has a solution to stay financially afloat. That solution is to for you to keep her afloat.You need to not be trying to take charge of her life. I know its hard to see someone you care about flounder and suffer. But you're not really helping the situation by constantly intervening. All you are doing is perpetuating her helplessness because you remove the need for her to develop the necessary skills and motivation on her own. And you are frustrating yourself because nothing gets better long term since she hasn't gotten better. I know because I have been in your situation with a family member like her. You cannot run someone 's life for them it just doesn't work long term. If, as in the case of my family member, she will truly sink into long term poverty on her own without constant ongoing intervention from you then she needs professional help. She may have a mental disability that needs diagnosis so she can get treatment and become functional. This cannot happen of you mask the "truth" by intervening in her life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): You are codependent. You can google that term and find a ton of articles deceiving yourself and good advice for what you should do.Basically you need to set boundaries. Your current lack of boundaries is causing you to over extend yourself. If your partner was "normal" this wouldn't be a problem. But since she is not "normal" she is very dependent and wants to take more and more no matter how kuch you give therefore your lack of boundaries is now a problem for you because you don't know how to say no.Codependency requires two people who play their complentary roles. If you had a gf who was normal, there wouldn't be this situation even though you are still the same person. If your gf was with a different guy who wasn't as "nice" as you she wouldn't be enabled to keep taking more and more. But he combination of her being non-independent ame you being codependent makes this relationship have this characteristic pattern. Please do some googling on codependent relationships to educate yourself on how YOU have helped create this situation you are in and thus how YOU can get yourself out. It will require going against your natural instincts but that is to be expected since following your instincts is how you ended up on this unfortunate situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've known her for over 5 years , we spent a lot of time together face to face. She had a rough relationship with the ex who left her with bad credit, a car payment for a car he bought but made her cosign for, hospital bills from giving birth to his child. So when the friendship started I gave her advice on moving on in life and becoming independent. I thought she understood. So when the opportunity for a new job close to her family came, i was all for it. I didn't know she had issues with her family. I thought they would want to help as family, boy was I wrong. She found a different job that doesn't pay well but it's something. She applied for state help for daycare, food stamps, everything she could apply for. I know this because I filled out the paper work for her online. But she was denied. You basically have to be unemployed and homeless to get any help. She's a worker, she has always held down 2 jobs to live, up until she had a child, now its a little harder.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2013):
 The way this is worded suggests you didn't spend all that much time together in real life.
You dated for "a years", is that one year or more? How did you meet and how much time did you spend together, in real life, face to face. online doesn't count here.
I'm worried for you that you are being scammed. Half your income? And she has family nearby?
Something sounds very fishy. Run a background check on her and you may be sadly enlightened.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 Perhaps you are being too concerned for her life, because life obviously existed before you came along and it will continue to be thus…
Given you are caring by nature you have enhanced her life by making her struggles lighter with your support. Yet you have also enabled her to remain dependent on you by supporting her financially with your code of helping loved ones. So in actual fact she is no closer to learning or becoming independent when you and or her ex, enable her dependence.
Now if you have always been independent and she dependent, naturally after a while you’d start feeling stuck and disillusioned; not realising it would be this way… That’s how our energy gets drained when we allow ourselves to care for those loved ones in this way. Here we rob them of their thinking and independent standing on there two feet, whilst sacrificing our own freedom!
So for me, while I am similar to you,(but not the same), I’d get off this treadmill and explain to her your batteries have run dry and you now need her to step up to the plate and give you support by applying what CMMP has mentioned she can do in your country of origin.
Take Care CAA
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 September 2013):
She's the type that relies on people because she can. She won't step up to the plate until she has to. Tell her that you can't afford to continue supporting her.
There are subsidized options for people who can't afford daycare. She can get subsidized housing. She can get food stamps. She can apply for section 8 housing. She can get WIC. She can sometimes have her utilities subsidized.
Most people rely on those kinds of things when they're down, not their long distance boyfriends.
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