A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my fiance for over a year. We're engaged to be married in 5 months. I love her so much and she's warm and afffectionate 95% of the time. The problems is that when she gets stressed for frustrated, she snaps at me and gets bitchy with me for no reason. It usually takes me by surprise, as it usually happens when I'm in a great mood and we're spending the day togehter, and all of a sudden out of the blue, she snaps at me. It comes out of nowhere. It bursts my bubble, and the next thing I know she has killed my mood and turned a great day sour. This seems to happen about every other day or so and it's really bringing me down. When I point it out to her and ask her why she snaps at me, she gets completely defensive. She'll deny that she has done anything wrong, deny that she was rude or even dispute what she actually said to me. Or, sometimes, she turns the tables and blames me for saying something that pushed her buttons to make her snap at me, although she can't give me specifics. There's no point in trying to reason with her, because she gets even more angry and starts screaming if I bring it up to her that she has hurt my feelings by the way she talks to me. Before I know it, she has turned the tables and she's angry with me. We have already made wedding plans and told our friends and family. Is there any way to get past this and for us to learn how to communicate better?
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female
reader, Fee-Fee  +, writes (14 January 2009):
 Roadman has made some smashing suggestions there! The only thing I would add:
Is she in the same age bracket as you have specified - 41-50?
And is this a recent thing, or has it been going on since you started dating.
Do you think it could be hormonal, potentially even menopausal?
Was just a thought that popped into my head, as most women generally blame most outbursts on hormones :o)
I am a moody cow from time to time (but woman enough to admit it!)
When I'm in a temper and there is no justifiable reason (yes, we all do it!), my boyfriend just kisses me on the cheek, tells me he loves me and leaves the room. Not the house, just buggers off upstairs for a bit, or goes to make a coffee. It leaves me with nothing to rant at, and feeling a bit sheepish in all honesty!!
By the time he comes back, I am ready to talk about what was upsetting me, or make up for it veeeery nicely if it was just me being a moody cow for no good reason!
Good luck, I do hope it all goes peachy for you!
Fee
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (14 January 2009):
 Well, I once married a young lady (I was too young as well) who apparently loved to raise hell with me about every little trivial thing, much as you have described. While I think that "roadman" may be compatible with a screamer, and his advice is superb, my solution many years ago was to skiddadle to a friend's place one evening, and when I returned a couple hours later, the "problem" had moved out. Difficulty solved, in my case. End of marriage number one.
Thing is, I'm very much the easygoing type who abhors arguments and especially an hysterical woman. Life is too short for that, in my opinion. If you love your woman, however, and can deal with a lifetime of snapping, the suggestions by "roadman" may help. Tuck your tail and cower.
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (14 January 2009):
 another tip is just agree to everything..,just think at the end of the day you have to live and pay those bills so nothing whats ever said is going to matter to what has to happen each day...
If she starts snapng just reply i hear you honey and understand hey lets catch the new movie out or pop out for a drink at a nice bar with a flame grilled stake,but do your best to stay cool even if she picking bones at you,i know its easyer said then done but the key is you remain chilled and keep up what has to be done every day to be lived,some times you just have to let it go in one ear and out the other..
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (14 January 2009):
Well before I can even think to judge the matter,what in fact is she snapping at you about???Rather than shout back,listen to what ever her problem in fact is..She must have some point to what is her problem,she can't be in fact just making issues up out of thin air..She may be a little stressed about something thats not going any,in the mean time,try taking her out a bit more,on some relaxing day trips,walks in the country park,theme parks,gift shopping,eating out,movies etc etc,plan some weekends away vist some friends out of town and try to chill her out and mix up your day to day life with a bit of adventure.I've found sometimes when women fly off,they tent to be a bit bored with life,so keep up the loving but don't let her moods pull you in to a slanging match up as your both never going to agree and it will increase the bitterness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I've tried Roadman's advice and things are going well. The first few days, it worked great. She snapped at me several times and i just laughed, made light of it, gave her a kiss. She responded well and even laughed back. But her snapping continued day after day, at least once per day. Although I was "rolling with it", it was starting to build up inside me. Finally, yesterday, she snapped at me 4 times in one day. The first three times, I rode it out, but the 4th time really brought me down. By then she could tell that something was wrong, so she asked and I told her that she was snapping at me. And then it was just like all the other fights we've had. She got very defensive, started yelling, told me that i was wrong and that she did not snap at me. Next thing I know we're in a huge screaming fight. I don't know what to do. I can't even talk reasonably with her, as her defenses fly up and she starts screaming. She won't acknowledge that she snaps at me. I guess she seems to think that I'm just making it all up for some reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRoadman - that's the best advice I've heard yet. Thanks so much. It's counterintuitive, at least for my nature, but I will give it a shot. It will mean swallowing my ego when my pride gets bruised when she snaps at me. It's going to be tough, but worth a shot. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (4 January 2009):
Learn to enjoy the 5% of the woman you don't like..
You fight fire with water..So if she snaps then laugh and smile..
Then make love to her.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 While dating, most folks are on their best behavior. The dating relationship sets the bar for the marriage. The marriage NEVER gets better than that...when bills set in, when other relatives cause trouble, when normal problems arise, things get worse.
Think carefully: Do you want to deal with her bad moods when normal problems happen and as the romance slowly settles into daily life? Is she sane and sober minded? Is she an asset to your life? Will she make a good, solid partner 10, 20 years from now? Is she aware of her effect on you and on others?
Mama said, "Don't think 10 times, or 100 before getting married...think 1,000 times-marriage is for the rest of your life." Me? I'm married 25 years.
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A
female
reader, lovebs +, writes (4 January 2009):
Communication is the key to a successful relationship. You have to understand that women tend to be extremely emotional (thanks to that estrogen) and don't always mean what they say. When women get stressed out they tend to take it out on their significant other. What women don't understand is that men take what they say to heart. It starts to wear down on a relationship. You have to be willing to compromise. Women will talk about the bad day they have had, and Men "Generally" want to fix this. But women don't want you to fix their problems. They just need you to listen, hold them, and tell them that everything will be alright. Men feel like they have accomplished something when they can fix it. They want to be that person that everyone can go to that can help them in anyway they can and that they will have the answer for everything. Women don't want advice, they want someone to listen to their problems and help them feel like there is someone who cares. I am not saying that you are not or that you are doing this, but its a generalization. If you two truly love each other, talking about these things shouldn't be an issue. Sit down and talk with her. Tell her that you are here for her, you will listen to anything she has to say, and that if she ever needs anything, that you love her and will do anything to make her happy. That right there will help. But also, make sure that its not one sided. She has to be willing to listen to you too. Even if you go on a rampage about football, work, anything, she needs to be able to sit there and listen. Most women do this anyway. If she disagrees with you, hear her side. Just remember, women need a listener and someone who will understand. Not fix, understand.
I agree with the above answer. There are lots of good communication books that will help you get in touch with the female psyche. And she should read them too! Especially if you are going to be married. Also, premarital counseling is a totally healthy way to find better ways to communicate. You could just go to a few sessions. Just a suggestion.
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