A
male
age
30-35,
*hatoneguywhocares
writes:This is a long winded story but I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible. I've known my girlfriend for 4 yrs and we have been dating for about 2 months but we started really talking a month before that. Word around town was she was a easy girl to get something from and we had always messed around a little in those 4 years of knowing each other. After we finally got to seriously talking I found out I really cared for this girl and now I'm in love with this person. We have had alot of ups and downs and broke up a few times because of it which I know isn't good that early in a relationship. The thing is she was being promiscuous while we were talking and it angered me so I would dump her, then we started dating and I felt her promiscuity had stop but it hadn't. I don't believe she's a whore and I don't believe she doesn't care about me just because she has done this. She was raped when she was young and then again a second time by a boy her mother was seeing. The first time she had gotten rape there was a police report filed. The second time her mother didnt believe her and ignored the problem. She was also in a relationship for 2 yrs with a guy that beat her up on a daily basis. As a younger child her grandma would try to give her pinacillin which she's allergic to in order to kill her. Her grandpa beat on her and also her mother has held a knife to her throat on multiple occasion. She got hooked on taking xanex and trying coke a couple times and smoked weed like I do cigarettes. Her mother has always encouraged her bad behavior and thinks its cool for them to cover for each other. My girlfriend is the age of 17 going on 18 now. And I truely believe the reason she acts the way she does with me is because of her up bringing. Recently she has quit taking xanex and smoking weed, not for me because I didn't ask her to but because she said she wants to better her life. I have read alot of articles on rape and this girls fits everything almost to the T. I'm worried if I stay with her can she ever change and just be loyal to me? She's a compulsive lyer also, to this day she claims to have only been with 10 sexual partners but I know that's a lie for sure. It seems to me every guy she has eer encounters in her life has become a sexual partner. We spend just about every waking minute together and she assures me she would never cheat on me since we're dating now and assures me she would break up with me if she ever got in the possition of cheating, but she's lied about so much sometimes I feel she's just painting me a perfect picture so I don't worry. I know she's had a rough childhood and I can't fault her for the way she is because that's just an outcome of her upbringing, honestly I want nothing more then to help this girl get on the right track even if me and her don't last. Her mother is 100xs worse then she is but still I hate worrying about what she does when I'm not around because she can't seem to grasp the reason we've had so many problems is because of we constant lying but from everything I read in rape articles her behavior is actually normal of that in somebody with a bad childhood and rape. I really do love her an any other guy would have just called her a slut and left her where she is but I see hope and just don't know if I'm doing the right thig. I'm torn between getting hurt again because she has hurt me so much since all this started and put me under so much stress that it's tearing me up. On the other hand I do see a big improvement in her life since we started seriously talking and I don't want her going back to the lifestyle of substance abuse and letting guys just use her and she really doesn't care. I have no idea what to honestly think of this person or how to handle this situation. I don't wan to lose her and I don't want to see her 35 yrs old and acting like her mom. Somebody please help me...
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 February 2013):
 you need to get away from this girl. and you need to do it quick.
how do you even know all these awful stories she's telling you are true? you said she's a pathelogical liar. how can you trust what a liar is telling you?
i've known people like this girl. they prey on you and use you. she probably made all of these stories up for sympathy. and if not, you still need to get the hell away from her. and not just walk. RUN. for your own sanity's sake.
no one should ever sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of being with another.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 February 2013):
I know it's hard, but she needs to want to help herself before anyone else can help her, you can't stay with someone to babysit them.
If you leave her, do it in a compassionate way and make sure you let her know that you'll be there for her if she needs you.
She will need counseling and a lot of discipline to be a better person, and that's not something you can provide.
As you're probably aware, there are plenty of messed up adults in this world. These are people who never were able to rise above their bad upbringing. Staying with one of these people will only drag you down with them. Be her friend, not her boyfriend.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Thatoneguywhocares +, writes (27 February 2013):
Thatoneguywhocares is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I just leave her she will go back to xanex and smoking weed all the time to me I feel like if I CAN help her then I need to atleast try.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 February 2013):
I didn't bother to read anything you wrote because the bottom line is that you won't be able to change her. If you like the way she is, stay, if you don't, go. It's that simple. Yes, it's easy to say something like that as opposed to doing it, but the purpose of dating is to find BOTH love and compatibility. One is no good without the other.
I've been in your situation before and am thankful that I moved on from people who I wasn't compatible with.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 It's very typical, sadly. When girls are raped at a young age, the majority of them get "lose". It's a mental thing, because if they say "yes" to everyone they can't be raped again. Because if they said yes then they agreed to it (even though they actually didn't want it at all). Then they can say that it was consensual.
It's such a classic pattern, and so sad. But whenever I hear a story of a girl who is "easy" or says yes to everyone, or extremely sexual, or extremely promiscuous, 99% of the time it's a rape case. Although, that is just from the people I've talked to, and the women I have personally talked to that is. I used to be on several online forums for people who are sexually open and adventurous, and I was more often than not the only woman who hadn't been raped as a child or teenager. This is what first brought me to think that there is a close connection between their sexual advances, and the rape in the past. I've later read up on the topic and yes, it's a very common thing sadly.
They say yes because then no one can rape again. It's not rape if they said yes... And if they say no they risk being raped again.
If she's acting out in this manner then it's not because she enjoys sex so much. It's because she has big problems, and needs help in handling them. But she needs to come to these conclusions herself, it's a very hard thing to come face to face with. But she needs help, professional help. Unfortunately, it is near impossible to force or make someone get help if they're not interested in helping themselves. But encourage her to see her doctor, be honest about her life, and get referred to a psychologist.
Realize that she is not a slut, she is a victim. Her sexual behaviour is a result of the rape, and a way for her mind to protect itself. It is an unconscious way of self protection. She most likely is not aware, or will refuse to admit, that her actions are connected with the rapes. But they most likely are. So tread carefully around this one, but encourage her to seek help.
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