A
male
age
36-40,
*ravenfx
writes:Hi guys,I've got a issue that I would really appreciate others input on. A little background information first though. I'm a friendly, reasonably successful, mid-twenties guy. In February my previous relationship ended (was a very long relationship of seven years) for mutual reasons. That has been my only real experience of a serious relationship until now.I've been seeing my current girlfriend for around two months now. I knew before I started seeing her that she has had a very rough past, and had several personal issues to deal with. She was subjected to emotional abuse and later abandonment by her father, had a bad history of alcohol and drug abuse (and I am talking serious drug abuse), and a previous destructive (substance abuse, him cheating on her repeatedly) relationship of two years that sadly ended with her partner killing himself two years ago. To further twist the knife he killed himself in a manner which made it plain to her that he fully intended to do it and wanted her to know (whilst the cause of death was an drugs overdose, he had warned her never to mix three certain drugs of a certain quantity as it would kill you - he used those exact drugs and quantity to kill himself). Thus as a result of that relationship she also struggles with a sense of survivors guilt. All in all she was dealt an extremely bad hand in life, and has confessed that several times she considered suicide but couldn't do it as it would hurt her friends and family too much. She's also been prescribed anti-depressants for quite a long time and has sporadically taken them as she suffers from depression.Ok so that's her bad history out of the way. I knew this all when I started to get to know her, but what I see is this wonderfully smart, funny and gorgeous girl who despite all the odds being against her still kept on going. As I result I started to like her more the closer I got to her, and I could tell she similarly liked me.We've been going out for the aforementioned two months now and it has been an incredible ride. In many ways she is my perfect girl, and I could feel myself falling for her. I also know she really likes me, and she considers me totally different to anything she's experienced before (she even nearly told me she loved me, however I told her to keep hold onto the thought until she was absolutely sure bearing in mind this was only a few weeks into the relationship - I'm wary of admitting love before the 6 months mark for whatever reason). I'm different in that I'm totally loyal, patient, faithful, kind to her and am not involved in any substances. So everything has been going great until the last couple of weeks. She has seemed to totally withdraw inside herself, and cut off any emotional connection to me. To elaborate on that a bit, she seems to shy away from physical contact (indeed she initiates no physical contact and doesn't seem to welcome it), becomes shy and quiet, and doesn't seem to want to talk to me much when I'm with her. When we're apart she still phones and texts and things seem fine, but when we are together it's almost like a completely different person. It's almost like anything emotional inside her is completely removed (the only exception being towards her dog which she adores - perhaps a little too much as she got it after the previous boyfriend killed himself and threw all her emotions into the pup). She seems so totally removed to the way she was before.One point to note, is that the time frame of two weeks coincides with the time her abusive father has come back into her life (to an extent - just initial contact that she hasn't welcomed). She deeply resents her father for the way he treated her in the past, but I know she is extremely hurt by it all and feels totally abandoned by him. I've never met him, and don't know the whole story, but I'm certain this has contributed but don't think it's the sole reason.She did warn me earlier in the relationship that this happens occasionally, that whilst I've "woken" her up she still can fall into depression. However it's such a difficult feeling to explain, but it almost seems like a totally different person, who shows absolutely no affection towards me. Despite all my reasoning the little voice inside your head can't help but think that maybe it's myself that is the problem and she simply isn't interested in me anymore. I did query her on this when we had been drinking one night and she denied it strongly, saying that it's all her and she's thinking of therapy to try and get through it as she doesn't want to mess us up.I know therapy is the obvious answer here, but I'm firmly of the belief that she has to 'want' to go to it and make the decision for herself - not as a result of pressure from me. What has put her off so far is she knows she's got to face her demons in it and she doesn't think she is strong enough or can do it. I would happily support her, go with her if necessary, however thus far I feel pretty helpless to do anything. Additionally I don't know how we would go about getting this help. And so far she hasn't actually decided to do it.The easy answer is to walk away thinking that she's 'damaged goods' and beyond repair. However I just can't do it, I genuinely think I may be falling in love with this girl and really want to help her and be with her. However this emotional voidness that currently has her is absolutely tearing me to pieces. I'm starting to get very self conscious - doubting I'm good enough for her, fun enough, good enough looking - when naturally I would never consider this as I KNOW I am. But this lack of affection and emotion is playing absolute havoc with me as I'm starting to lose my own confidence. I would stand by her for the rest of my life, with all her flaws, to help her. However if the relationship continues in this one sided manner then I'm getting nothing out of it and going to end up hurting myself and basically subjecting myself to emotional abuse.There is no guarantee that this 'phase' will go on for long, but similarly I've no way of knowing that this is even a 'phase' and if it will ever end. So basically I'm looking for others thoughts, suggestions, ideas and experiences - anything that can help.Thank you very much for reading - sorry it turned into a short story! :-)
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male
reader, dravenfx +, writes (20 October 2010):
dravenfx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Thank you very much for your responses! It's always appreciated hearing others thoughts. It has made me feel somewhat better as your answers are quite consistent, and similarly match advice I've received from my friends.
I do give her her own space, and I am patient and have intimated to her that I'm in this for the long haul and not a quick thrill. I've never tried to play the therapist, all I've done is listen to her when she wants to talk and give my own unprofessional opinion where it's valid (and have never pretended to have the answers). I was very wary at the beginning of not falling into the trap of trying to provide therapy, as it's naturally a part of me to try and help people in need and would be instinct to do that. I'm wise enough (just! :-) ) to know that is not a good place to be and to avoid that no matter how hard (plus I'm no therapist!).
I must admit it's very difficult without that emotional connection, however I will persevere for now in the hope that it improves. It does make a lot of sense what you guys are saying about pushing people away, guess it's ironic that it's the one thing that is quite likely to make you lose people you care for if you're not careful.
I guess my doubt is partly due to my own past confidence issues, however once you realise that it's a lot easier to deal with that and 'man the hell up' so to speak! :-)
Thanks very much for taking the time to provide help. Hopefully I can reply to this later down the line saying that things are back to normal...
Cheers!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Hi
You sound very sensible and understanding, great qualities but you are in murky waters here and need to be careful that you do not get pulled into her shadows. You probably feel the need to help her heal, but only she can take steps to do this. She would do well to have professional help to deal with her past and you stay clear of it until she is emotionally ready to have a good relationship. You don't want to develop a role as her therapist because you will end up with the brunt of it, don't get too involved just be her boyfriend and share the 'moment' having good times. Support can come in many ways and you have the ability to help her in the moment and the future, let her and therapist heal her past.
spunky monkey.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): I agree. Right nw she needs one person to be there for her, nt because of what they get out of it bt bcus they really do care. Patients and undrstanding goes alonge way. she probley changed up the more she startd to love u and feel mre need 4u to b thr but bcause she cant trust or build faith n anyone anymre it caused her to distance herself now. If u prove to her over time that she can have a happy life and one dependable person, shell change 4 the better. Thats what she wants, she just dont kno how to tell whn shes got it. if u want someone to b loyal and devoted to u shes the kind of girl to have.. Shed do anythng for her othr half if she knew shed get it in return. Trust me on that!
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A
female
reader, Ms Me +, writes (18 October 2010):
I certainly think that in order to move forward with the rest of her life your girlfriend needs to address her past. My heart goes out to her. What I can say is this..people who have been abandoned, her father leaving, her partners death, can find it hard to get too close to somebody as they feel that losing them will cause them great pain that perhaps they don't feel equiped to deal with. I can only assume that her father returning may have churned up some feelings of hurt and this in itself has made her retreat into herself, simply as her way of self presevation. She has obviously fallen for you but in her knowing this, you are the one she doesn't want to lose therefore you are the one she will push away.
My advise to you is be patient, understanding and supporting.
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